Was I wrong to expect more support from my brother?

[Vickla]

I just want to get the mumsnet barometer on this. I have just been through the breast cancer mill - seven rounds of chemo, surgery, radiotherapy, immunotherapy and am now a few months in to 5 years of hormone blockers. It has been pretty gruelling but I feel like I coped well - managed to keep working and keep life ticking along at home - three teens.
During this time, my older brother, who I thought I had a good relationship with, messaged me a few times - text messages. I have been upset about this. I think, given the circumstances, he should have visited or at least phoned. He lives a two-hour drive away. I didn't feel like I could convey all the nuance of my circumstances by messenger. I felt like he didn't really care enough to give me any of his time other than tap out quick messages - 'how are you doing?'
I told him this in a message and we haven't had any contact since. This was November. He didn't send a xmas card.
My parents are now pressuring me to sort it out as they're upset we're not speaking. But I don't think I should be the one to make contact. Have I overreacted? Were his actions acceptable? Should I be holding out the olive branch? It's his birthday and I am under pressure to send him a card next week. My gut instinct is that I don't really want to.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through that OP.

Is there a long history of you being expected to fix his poor behaviour? Or to suck it up?

I think if it was me I’d be sitting back and doing fuck all. It’s not your job to fix his shitty behaviour and definitely not for someone else’s comfort. If your parents care so much about your relationship perhaps they could tell him to apologise to you…

You weren't wrong OP, this is the minimum you should be able to expect from your brother, but maybe he isn't able to give you what you want. My older brother is exactly the same, and has been completely unsupportive through some terrible times. It doesn't make it any less painful, but I've come to accept that I'm never going to get that from him. He has a history of poor mental health and has great difficulty expressing emotion. Could this be a factor in your brother's piss poor response?

On your specific point, I don't think you should have to offer the olive branch if you don't want to, but I guess you may have to accept that you may remain estranged from your brother forever if you don't.

I mean you could send him a card saying:

To X, happy birthday,
From Y

that might placate your parents a bit. It’s pretty meaningless but ticks the box.

However, the facts are that your brother has behaved pretty monstrously. Me and my brothers would feel cut to our soul if one of the others got cancer (our mum died from it). My mum’s brothers were and are extremely upset about it. That said, there existed the possibility that he thought his texts were enough/caring. But that possibility was extinguished when he showed a total lack of sorrow or accountability for his actions when you told him so. He should have profusely apologised and perhaps explained. His actions after being pulled up are almost worse than the lack of contact whilst you were in treatment. I mean, the hormone blockers can also be far from a walk in the park. I think a person would have to be pretty stupid and self obsessed not to know that cancer diagnosis and treatment is gruelling.

It’s difficult - if your parents were dead, I’d say simply cut your brother off. But they aren’t dead, they are upset that their offspring aren’t speaking. That’s why I’d send the card.

Parents are pressuring you to sort it out.
That's outrageous considering what you've been through.
Best wishes in your recovery.

I totally understand how you feel. So many people stepped up when I was going through treatment and I didn’t expect them to. Conversely, others didn’t. I don’t keep score, but I do know who was there and who wasn’t.
For your brother to be so unsupportive is difficult.

Do not set yourself on fire to keep others, in this case your parents, warm. I would not send a card to him.

I would readily assume they have never spoken to their son about his conduct towards you.

Personally, I wouldn't expect a sibling to get involved if I was unwell - and I'm not sure I'd want anyone fussing over me.
But then, I don't think that being related makes any difference - you're either close to someone or you're not.
What harm would it do to revert to how things were previously, ie an amicable if distant relationship, with just occasional contact?

The fact that your parents are pressurising you to sort it out rather than berating him suggests that you've had a lifetime of training to be the peacemaker. If there was ever a time to put yourself first it's now. You're no longer a little girl who needs to be told how to behave. You've had some of the worst experiences and this is their reaction? It's shocking.

I love my brothers dearly, but have always wondered what it would be like to have a sister...

I’n so sorry you’ve been through this ordeal and your brother has been such a shower. Am I understanding this right? When you told him you were hurt, he cut off contact? That’s just .. awful.

If your parents are extremely elderly and unlikely to live much longer, then it may make sense to do the bare minimum to appear to mend relations as a kindness to them.

If they are hale and hearty I’d be pushing back hard and asking why this was your problem to solve. It’s very sad, but lots of people think women are solely responsible for solving relationship issues, by making all the compromises, concessions and effort. It’s misogyny in action.

Wishing you a nice summer after your awful experience, it sounds really difficult, you’ve gone through the mill treatment-wise.

Thanks all. Reading your responses, I am erring on the side of don't send the card. My brother has no mental health issues and can express his emotions. Although now I am wondering if he does have some sort of empathy issue and I never realised because I have never really needed any support from him until now.
He has always let me down on big birthdays - 40th and 50th and missed a lot of my kids' birthdays over the years when we always visited for his kids' birthdays. My kids noticed this and are not that complimentary about him.
He did lose his job and car about halfway through my treatment which I understand was hard for him. He's replaced both now.
I don't know - I am struggling to muster any semblance of goodwill.
Some other people were so unexpectedly kind and that makes it seem even worse.

@Vickla

The hardest thing about cancer for me was how people treated me. People who weren’t there for me at all expecting me to go back to how things were pre diagnosis. That’s impossible when you’ve seen them for who they really are.

Your mother is totally out of order by trying to guilt trip you into sending your brother a birthday card. I doubt that she put pressure on him to be more supportive and present during your gruelling cancer journey. It sounds as though he is the 'golden child' and you are the 'scapegoat' where he can do no wrong and any rift is your fault and up to you to fix.

He obviously lacks empathy and couldn't be bothered to show any concern and support when you were so ill.

Bin him off without a qualm and ignore your mother.

It’s sad when family can’t offer us the meaningful relationships we are looking for. Unfortunately society still installs this entirely fantastic narrative that dna means love, it never did. Luckily there are many people around who can offer you the sense of connection you are looking for. Other people, many people like you who have found themselves with room for richer relationships.

as for your brother, can you take what there is on offer, you haven't mentioned if he is verbally abusive or anything. Your mum should not be talking about it with you, that is a boundary problem there. Your mum and your brother may be different ends of the same spectrum. Is there a pattern in your family of keeping up appearances and only one persons feelings being taken into account?

YADNBU
Yet another self-centred bath-tub.
There are lots of them around unfortunately 😐
I wouldn’t send him a card.
At the very most I would just text him and give him a taste of his own inadequate medicine.

Childhood dynamics and family patterns are hard to step out of. But, I think if you want things to change you will have to. You can't always be the one fixing or stepping up to sort things out. Your brother can't be given a free ride for his lack of empathy, consideration because your parents always let him do that. Your brother is the one who hasn't written back to you. Why should you be the one to fix it? I have a challenging relationship with my sibling and parent - because they always expect me to play my role of fixer/stabilizer/be the good one. I have to put boundaries in place in these relationships. It did mean I had to sit with the discomfort of doing that for a while, but it is a relief honestly to let go.

I've sent the card!! But just kept it completely neutral.
I've learned that he is not there for me and as a poster said, when that has happened, you can't really go back.
I've written him off to an extent in my mind but I'll do the overt gestures like sending a card on birthdays and xmas.

Does he send a card to you on your birthday?

The OP says he didn't send one on her last birthday.

I’m on your side op . It’s so upsetting that he didn’t go and see you through all this . You’ve sent the card . Now put him out of your mind and don’t feel you need to obligate your parents .

No, the OP said that he didn't send her a Christmas card. A later post mentioned that he has missed some children's birthdays and other milestones. There was nothing about whether he usually sends a card for OP's birthday and whether or not OP has had a birthday since their disagreement before Christmas.