Considering ending a good relationship over years of sex problems?

[dontknowwhattodo18]

I don’t know what to do.

I think some people will say I’m being ridiculous but I need opinions/advice. I don’t know whether to break up with my partner.

Context - been together 5 years and have a little girl who is nearly a year old. Own our house. My partner is amazing, the best dad ever and generally fantastic all round. However, our sex life is awful and practically non existent. I don’t want to go into too many personal details but it’s an ED problem from him. We/he have tried to sort this out in different ways, but it’s just not improving and it’s been years now.

I’m not even 30 yet and I have no sex life and I just can’t see it getting better. Maybe I’m being unreasonable? I just don’t want to carry on in a sexless relationship, it makes me feel awful and so unattractive and I’m sick of being frustrated and disappointed (from a selfish view). It’s become such a point of contention in our relationship and it’s literally been years this has been going on for.

I really really don’t want to break up because in every other way he is a brilliant partner.

Just looking for words of advice and support really.

I really feel for you both.

Is there a formal diagnosis of why this is happening? (You obviously don’t have to share that here - just wondered if there is one).

I have seen posts here and read about relationships where penetrative sex has to stop very early in life, and it does sound incredibly difficult. Unfortunately it seems to mean that all sex stops. Are there alternatives to penetrative sex that would be meaningful for you? Has there been any real discussion of whether that could work?

You’re not being ridiculous at all OP .
God you are so young to be in a sexless relationship, far too young .
What age is he ?, you mention it’s going on for years & you guys are only together 5 years .
What about a sex therapist?

What does he put the issue down to?

Sex is far from just PIV. Are you also doing other things ie him to you? If not, he’s not as caring as you think he is, I feel…

This.is too simplistic to say if he doesn't offer other stuff he isn't caring - when there are issues with PIV sex, particularly if it causes pain, any sex can become quite difficult, embarrassing and awkward and it can end up becoming too complicated as a whole.so avoidance kicks in.

I would recommend speaking to a relationship counsellor or therapist. If you love each other it's worth trying to see if you can come to an understanding. But you both need to be willing talk about it really honestly and put the work in to maintain the agreement.

It's so hard and unfair when it's nobody's fault - but neither are you unreasonable to want a full and satisfying sex life - he should understand that and accept that it's a valid reason for splitting if you remain unhappy.

I wouldn't end the relationship as he sounds lovely otherwise but I would want to find out the cause. Doctors, therapists, medication, procedures etc. I'm a problem solver so I tend to believe there's a fix for most things. I'm sure I've seen things on Embarrassing Bodies about ED where the situation can be improved.

Offering my solidarity as I have the same problem but I'm nearly 50.

I’d sit him fine and explain that this needs addressed. Obviously without details we don’t know what has been done so far but you’ve managed to conceive a child so I guess things are possible?!

I’m 50 too , sure we’re only young ones 🙌 😂 🤗

I would say a healthy relationship is a combination or collection of different things. If there is anything missing, and you don't get what you want from it, then it is dysfunctional. There are of course different levels of that, you have examples where it's a clear "run run run". This, I believe is not such an example. If he is lovely, good person, good dad, otherwise a lovely partner, then it's worth trying to mend what is broken. You don't have to jump ship immediately - not yet at least. It is not on you entirely, what you need is strong open communication, he needs to want to improve things just as much. He needs to acknowledge the lack of sex, and willing to talk about and find solutions to the reasons. If he does not want to address this, or find solutions, that's when you have to consider leaving.. At that point, be concise and transparent - you need a partner who cares enough to try and fix this aspect of your relationship, and if he is not willing to do so, you cannot stay. But that is a step down the line, first, get his thoughts, see how he feels and what he's willing to do in order to make it better for both of you.

It's hard to answer properly without more information. There are lots of different causes of ED but many of them aren't the relationship-death-sentence they used to be.

Having ED likely isn't his fault, but he should still be making efforts to keep the relationship healthy, especially if it's as good as it sounds. Especially if (all forms of) sex are being withdrawn.

Whether that's medication, therapy, communication or just focussing on other parts/kinds of sex. It should be a solvable problem.

It depends on whether he wants a solution to the problem, doesn't it? If he doesn't then there's no point continuing.

You say he has made an effort to sort things out. Even if that hasn’t worked, it shows commitment on his part. Has he also made an effort to satisfy you in other ways? Toys etc? There is much more to sex than just piv and you could explore together. What does he want in terms of sex at the moment? If you can keep communicating, things could work. But if you start living as flatmates not husband and wife, the outlook is less good.

You would have to weigh up whether the other option will fix things either. Divorce, financial and emotional cost of it, probably lose the house, be a single mother to a young child, have no time to meet someone else, battle in a competitive dating market etc. There's no guarantee to good sex with that option too.

He can not be able to have sex and you can still be satisfied in many other ways - you both need to work out how or it’s going to break you.