Friend keeps cancelling at the last minute and wasting my time

[Floraltie]

I have a friend who is unreliable. She cancels 50% of the time. At 4pm today she says can I meet her at 7pm instead of 6pm as she is at work. She then messages at 6pm saying she had a bad day at work and hassle with her sister and to cancel meeting. She wanted to rearrange another date and said she is on holiday on 29th June but I haven’t confirmed as I know she is a timewaster. I understand she doesn’t want to meet feeling rubbish but it’s a habit this cancelling an hour before meeting.

I have replied and said sorry to hear about her bad day and sister but next time we can meet when she is not at work because I have had to hang around and not been able to do much as we were meeting. I don’t want to be nasty but I can’t keep being walked over. I say this as I have been stopping at my partner’s who is a 45 minute drive away and we could have gone out for the day. She also cancelled on her sister’s birthday the once and then when her sister did it back to her she didn’t like it.

I know she wanted to meet up to talk about her problems. She is a nice enough person but it’s all about her and her problems, just an energy vampire. She has no respect for others time when cancelling at the last minute. Mutual friends get fed up with her doing the same thing.

It’s really annoying me this disrespect.

I have a couple of friends like that. I used to go out of my way to accommodate them, because I wanted to
see them. Then realised that they weren’t showing me or my time any respect at all. The final straw was when I was doing them
a huge favour, and he was 90 minutes late. Which then had a knock on effect on someone else. I was so embarrassed. And that was the end of that.

Is she really a friend ?

I'd recommend a gradual fade.

I agree that she is disrespectful, and would add that - from the information you provIde - she is not a friend but a user. An energy vampire who lines you up for a transfusion, and dumps you when she's not feeling the need for one.

You know what you've got to do - unless there's a back story where you feel obligated to carry her.

Former friend in time. You deserve better, and in a way by not accepting unreliability you could possibly be helping.

A friend is someone you have a nice time with and, once you’ve seen them, feel good about yourself and the world around you. This isn’t that person.

I assume she is healthy but a lot on? She does not suffer from health issues. I would just start to not put yourself out for her. There is two things you mentioned about one is the cancelling last minute but then you said it is all about her and her problems. I find friends who are super stressed or on the edge can be super selfish and it all about them, human nature - I think we all can do it, however, it is your choice now if you want to keep that on or not. It does sound she drains your energy, If you do decide to meet again, take control, invite her to the house on a day your not going out or let her do all the arranging / running / messaging - if you got 'busy' would she message you? . I personally had a friend who always met but it was all about her , all the time every meet up, never asked how i was. I had to end the friendship as it was always one sided no matter what. Very draining.

I had a friend like this and decided that I would only do things with her if she was the one organising and it was at her house (so that I didn't have to put myself out if she cancelled). Gradually faded out. Not worth the annoyance.

So she’s very unreliable and uses you to dump her problems on.
why do you want to see her? What do you get out of this as it doesn’t sound like a friendship?

I used to have a friend like this - she was also always late and I’d be sat looking like a dick on my own in a bar or whatever. I told her how shit it made me feel, and she said along the lines of “I knew what she was like”. I phased her out after that.

@Floraltie I have had friends like this. Had. I value my time too much that I can't stand flaky people.

Gradual fade from view. You can’t continue to make arrangements with someone who does not value your time.

I am doing the same with a friend too. Except she’s being really weird and telling people it is me cancelling on her!

I will just disappear from her life without drama. It’s the best way.

Then you need to disengage. Some people do have very busy lives, but often, if you feel like your social time with another person is very much on their terms, chances are they're a user or you're simply not enough of a priority for them.

The times they will meet up with you are when they want something, when they're bored or could do with some entertainment or someone to listen to them. It's all about them and their needs, and if they don't have any, they'll just cancel not thinking that you actually might have needs.

Leave her to organise the next event and I bet you never see her again.

This. A friend let me down twice this year. Once forgetting an event that was planned all around her. I will go to her 60th. I will not issue the next invitation otherwise, wonder how long it will take her to notice.

A former friend did this to me last year, a coffee on my 54th. I waited, never showed up, they forgot.

Another friend cancelled numerous times. 16 years ago... notseen them since.

We know a couple who cancel a lot, often at the last minute.

We only invite them to meet-ups or to our house IF there are going to be a lot of other people there as well. So it doesn't matter (or mess up the catering) so much if they cancel. Over the years we've found this is the least frustrating way to keep in touch with them.

Mind you, they are nice people and good company. If they were more like your "friend" then I don't think I'd bother.

Imo when she asked to meet later she had already decided she wasnt coming.

I wouldn't have a lot of time for this. Its disrespectful and I have very little spare time so I would be furious it was wasted.

I would call it out a bit
"Hi xx. You've cancelled quite a few times last minute now so you must be busy/have a lot going on.
Let me know when in the future you have a free day and perhaps we can arrange to meet earlier so if plans change i have time to make alternatives"

After that I wouldnt bother again and wait for her to suggest a day. That would be the last of it though if she messed around again.

See I wouldn’t invite them to anything. They are rude. Not worthy of time.

I have had to do this with a friend too. I like her but she is too unreliable and unless she has organised it, plans don’t hold much weight in her mind.

I wouldn’t bother contacting her again.

When/if she contacts you, I wouldn’t waste my time replying, because that’s what it would be, a waste of your time.

I have a friend like this , an ex colleague. She's a lovely person but always has a last minute emergency when she's meant to be somewhere , she's very disorganised. After two attempts to meet up I just gave up. We text occasionally now , I just say I'm busy if she asks to go out.

Just let it fade out OP. I’m going through it now with someone I used to be very close to when we were neighbours. She has moved away and today was the third time she has let me down because ‘something else came up’. There won’t be a fourth.

Just be honest with her and show her this. If she is a decnt person, she will apologise and change. If not, is she worth it anyway?
A lot of us have friends like this because of the days we used to go out in big groups, and it didn't really matter if one person was flaky. As you all get older lives change.

I have two old friends who are flighty. I’ve stopped suggesting meet ups as they usually cancel and made my peace with a WhatsApp friendship. I don’t rely on them for company so if we do meet I see it as a bonus rather than a part of my social set up. When one of them suggests a meet up I don’t rearrange/cancel anything for it and I fully expect it to not go ahead. If it dies great and if it doesn’t I get a chill day.

I have friends who bail a lot of the time. I’m at the point where I stop organising get togethers.
It’s hurtful when they tell you that you’re really not that important (with their actions).