I’m not a fucking charity

[AllTheSuzyCreamcheeses]

I know if it’s me, or this week, or my line of work, or my friend choices, maybe a bit of all of these things but fuck me, so many instances of take take take.

I explained my line of research to someone at à mutual an mugual work event. immediately get an email, “come and talk to my [insert interest] group at x club.” I have a smallish group of followers on social media, and this week I’ve had about 15 people asking for this advice, that advice, to meet over Zoom. When I did try to meet one, it was “let me just check my diary”. Ummmm, isn’t it ME doing YOU the favour?

A good friend has confided with me for the best part of a year with something shes been doing. I’ve listened to her, helped her with checking things, patiently being available… the project fell through & she’s “too wrecked” to talk about progression, just sends me weird titbits. You weren’t wrecked when you asked “are you there for a chat?”, were you?

And then theres people I work with. I TOLD you, look out for when this project gets going. The photocopiers might not work, the rooms may be double booked, pkease look out for obstacles which will make you late.. What happens? “Ohhhhhh! I’m running late because the copier is out of toner”. Nooooo! Really?!

Being invited to work events, parties isn’t pleasurable for me. It is overtime. I am not paid to be there. And it’s a chance for you to showcase my work as your own. So don’t be surprised when I say I’m too busy to attend your king prawn buffet.

SOME PEOPLE. Ffs.
RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE’S TIME.

Practice saying no in front of a mirror.. Remember YOUR time is as important as theirs.

You can say no, you know.

Yes I’ve said NO. In fact, the charity club man “I won’t take no for an answer”, I just said - well you will have to this time. And refrained from any further correspondence. Fuckhead. I’m sick of having to repeat my NO, I think it’s that. But also of being shortchanged and getting shit returns on my efforts.

When anyone asks you to do something for them tell them you will think about it and give them a price. Great conversation ender for cf folks who want free favours.

It just sounds like life, to be honest.

Tell him your reduced rate fee for charities is £300. That should shut him up.

Good advice. I do this and it works very well!!

Thank you, this is brilliant!!! You have really cheered me up. I will def do this from now on. Why didn’t I think of that before? Hopefully it will make them realise that there’s a price on my time.

This is inspired! Must do something like this. Idk why I didn’t take this tack before. I’m so fed up with beibg taken for granted.

My late mother put me right about this, way back in the early 90s, when I was in my late 20s, early 30s, and the advice was: don't do anything you don't want to do or feel uncomfortable about, because your time's as valuable as anybody else's. This was because I had a pushy friend who was always pushing me to do things with him, go places like pubs and clubs I didn't really fancy, and generally always do things that suited him better. I eventually took a stand and said no more. I began to put myself first and stopped being a people pleaser. To this day, it's the best piece of advice I've ever received.

Charities are businesses when you get down to the nitty gritty

Their ceo wouldnt work for free i bet.

I love your mother! Wow, thank you for sharing this, needed to hear that. Hits the nail on the head. All my life I’ve felt that my time isn’t worth the same as everyone else’s, that I’m inferior. A colleague once told me he noticed I’m generous with my time. I pulled back after that but I realise why it makes me so angry. My parents didn’t want me and I grew up with enormous neglect and abuse. A household of servitude. Your dear mum stuck up for you & showed you how precious you are. Enormous thanks for sharing, I will print that off to remind myself.

Yes exactly. I was so upset by this man’s forceful nature - like he was doing ME the favour. The charity is a front for tax write offs anyway, I think.

Are you surrounded by people who work in Sales? Being too generous with one's time or advice can happen anyway, but pushy, brass-neck, cheeky fuckery behaviour seems inherent in people who are into Sales as a living.

You are ovely stressed with whatever you are stressed with and everything has become a HUGE issue.

The research quetion is a no.

The friend can come back if she needs to. Whether you decide to take her back is a question for another day.

Work - you do not have to control eveything. You are not the epi centre of work. People learn when they fk up. Let them.

It’s good that you’re getting some good advice on here.

You will find it so liberating when you put it into practice.

Thanks. Yes, it is good. I posted to offload, but it’s great to have supportive posts and to understand part of why this has been happening.

no, although I can see why there are similarities!

I am stressed by this itself. It is irritating to be taken for granted all the time. That is the huge issue. You’re right, I can’t control everything. It’s just such a shame that they listened, nodded, assured me they wouldn’t let that happen, and then continued to do the very tiring I warned them about. But also how they went about telling me afterwards, as if I could drop everything in that moment to help them.

And, can you believe, this was just a small selection of a rubbish week! Everyone thinks it’s just them doing it (or they don’t think at all). I will have to talk to some (not mentioned here) about the value of other people’s time.

I belong to a specialist horticultural club and £300 is about the going rate for knowledgeable speakers at our club meetings.

I'm glad it's given you some strength. I drew a line in the sand and said no more. I stopped enduring rotten nights in questionable places with people I didn't know or care about one way or the other, and at long last started pleasing myself. All it took was the wise words from my dear old mum to prompt me along.

I've said this before, but it bears repeating. I have skills which I can offer, and have been known to do so gratis in a good cause, or for "mate's rates". However, I expect to be appreciated. The phrase I find useful is "Well I'm pretty busy at the moment, but with Christmas/holidays/similar good reason coming up, the extra cash would be handy"
This may result in deafening silence or grateful thanks; oddly, some folks value your efforts more if you make it clear that you place some value on them yourself.

Set some boundaries OP.
As others have said, stop giving free time and advice and maybe have a fixed fee meeting you can offer people. Eg £150 for 30 minutes advice. Future work chargeable at x rate per hour.
Don’t problem spot for incompetant colleagues and don’t over function.