How do you know someone is ‘in love with you’ when the signals aren’t there?

[OMGDidYouSayThat]

Here is a question for all of you, now when someone ‘loves you’ the signs are quite obvious, the little things they do are fairly easy to spot, when someone is ‘in love with you’ how do you know they are when intimacy no longer exists? Those physical signs that they crave you. When i’m in love with someone i crave them in every way, i find it difficult to understand that someone can say they are ‘in love with you’ and not display those kind of signals. Lots of things may be to blame such as post menopausal issues, medical conditions, stress, life taking it’s toll etc, apart from the first 2 things i also have a lot to deal with but still maintain that overwhelming sense of being ‘in love’. Maybe it’s the difference between men and women and how they age differently i don’t know but i’d be interesting in knowing what you think?

The truth is you just can't know sometimes. I loved someone but I did not let on at all. The more time that passes since I lost them from my life the more I realize how important they are to me.

I only ‘crave’ someone in the early days of the relationship. As time goes on and the relationship matures, I am absolutely in love with him as a person and show that love by doing things for him and saying things to express love and being affectionate physically but it’s not really a sexual craving. It’s more about all the things I love about him and being with him and how he makes me feel safe, makes me laugh, looks nice all dressed up, knows me well, does nice things for me. Sorry, I think that may be how a lot of women feel too. Not all but a lot.

My DH and I do have regular sex but in those times of life when I really didn’t want to, I also avoided being affectionate in other ways because it felt unfair to get his hopes up or to start a ball rolling that I couldn’t stop (so to speak). If you want to know you’re loved, you could make it very clear that she’s safe to express affection with no expectation of sex.

I personally feel that if you’re in a stage of not wanting sex you should make an extra effort to express love in other ways because it’s completely valid that you should feel loved by your partner.

Also, it’s a cliche but carrying the mental load for a whole family and/or household/partnership is the world’s biggest mood killer.

It doesn't matter. My XH said he loved me when I decided to separate. But he didn't act like he did, so there was no point. What goes inside someone's head is immaterial. What matters is how they act.

@ThatFairy first of all i’m sorry for your loss, what you said got me thinking, so the lonely feelings that come from the not knowing could result in someone making the decision to leave and find someone who does show them affection, when actually you may have already been ‘in love’ without knowing it as the signs weren’t there, that would be tragic.

It's maybe the hardest part of it. There were a couple of occasions where he acted in a way that made me think he cared too. Regardless there were recurring outside conflicts in the way which I won't go into for privacy reasons. I knew him for a long time but it's been years now since I saw him.The other hard part is that I don't truly know how he felt/ feels or if he ever thinks about me. I've never felt this way about anyone else and I've been in a long term relationship with kids and I don't even care about my ex anymore yet I still care about him. Thanks for giving me a space to talk about it as I'm usually dismissed as having "limerance" because there was never an actual romantic relationship. I cut him off after a fall out but it wasn't really his fault. It was just a series of unfortunate events in life and he didn't understand what was going on with me. I wanted to protect my heart and allow myself to move on and it's only in hindsight I can see how immature and reckless I was.

ı am Turkish. In our country, men generally have a very masculine nature. In my opinion, if a man is in love or likes you, he will definitely make all kinds of sacrifices for you. For instance, I was flirting with a European guy and going through a very, very difficult time. When I asked him for a loan, he completely stopped talking to me. But a man who is genuinely interested and in love would have at least given a proper explanation. This was the most important thing I learned from a fling: IF A MAN IS IN LOVE, HE MAKES SACRIFICES. Just ask him for something, test him, and see for yourself."

Anyone can say anything to you. You are only in love if you are best friends, can't imagine life without them and they enhance your life.

I think sadly for you, you enhance their life by being available.

Sacked him off.

You ask them. Although people can lie having sex doesn’t mean they’re in love with you either. It means they’re attracted to you.

Gestures and actions that prove they think of you. Sacrifice for your gain. Remember the things that mean a lot to you.

You were flirting with him and wanted a loan? He probably thought you were a scam artist. This isn’t love… you can’t be in love with someone you’re not even in a relationship with yet.

“In love with you” is very passive.

Love is a verb.

So, if I felt loved by them, then I would consider them in love with me.

What matters is how you feel about them, and how safe you feel with them. If you’re not feeling something from them then tell them how you feel. Be vulnerable. “I feel lonely/insecure/confused about our relationship. I need you to reassure/hug/kiss/talk to me”. Then listen to your own internal cues based on their response.

Love and sexual lust are two different things. It’s very possible to not be able to have sexual intimacy in a relationship (I have cancer and can’t for health reasons at the moment), Dh and I don’t love each other any less. He does extra around the house so I can rest when I don’t feel well. He takes the kids out so I can have an afternoon nap. He asks what biscuits I want before heading to the shop to get something because he knows biscuits and tea are a real comfort to me. He works hard and pays me the equivalent of my old salary every month even though I haven’t been able to work in 2 years because he doesn’t ever want me to be without or worry about money. That’s love.

You can have sexual lust with anyone (well, not anyone! But the bar is a lot lower), but it’s rare to find a person who will love you like that or that you will love that much. In a long relationship, we’ve been together 18 years, sexual intimacy ebbs and flows and changes over time. But proper love is someone having your back no matter what, even through the really dark times.