Ending 'relationship' with Mother

[MissSkate]

Has anyone in here completely cut contact with their Mother? How have you found it? Did/do you ever regret it?

I've decided after my Mother didn't bother to send a birthday card for a 'big' it's the last straw. She's treat me appallingly all my life, lied to me about my dad, brought me up thinking an abusive, alcoholic, heroin user was my father. She was also physically and emotionally abusive, I mean who tells their child they wished they'd never been born and that by being born they ruined her life. She's always chosen men over her children. She never visits, or calls. My children don't even know who she is as I refuse to always be the one that travels over 2 hours to see her with 2 travel sick children.

So I'm done. I'm going to do what my phycologist told me to do years ago, I'm going to write down all the thoughts, feelings and bubbling resentment that's built up and send it to her, telling her never to contact me again. No Dad on scene as he died before I found him, so no issue in cutting her out.

My mum used to tell me similar. She now wants to move in with me and for me to subsidise her existence and be her caregiver. Ha!

Yes I did cut mine out of my life. The urge over the years (until she died) was really strong to write down everything I felt and everything she had done and send it to her, especially as she pretended to anyone who would listen that she just did not understand why I wasn't speaking to her, but the best advice I have is not to send a letter or anything. You can't have the last word with people like that, they won't let you. The best way to keep control of your life and boundaries is to just go full NC and leave it at that. The other thing is, it's very important to not get drawn into the drama cycle that she might have primed you for your whole life, where you get caught up checking on her, wondering what she's doing, predicting what she'll do next etc. That way lies madness. Life has been completely quiet and peaceful since I cut her out of it.

I wouldn't necessarily give her your thoughts and feelings, unless it's particularly important to you that she reads it. It may be helpful to you to write the letter though - up to you if you send it. I cut contact via a brief text. I never regretted it. I never had any response and I did block, but there was no attempt to contact via any method open to her. I wish you the peace you deserve x

Going no contact with a parent isn't the cold, clean thing it can sound like from the outside. It's grief — not for the mother you had, but for the one you needed and never got. That sorrow is allowed to sit right next to the relief, and feeling both doesn't mean you're getting it wrong.

The letter is the part I'd be most curious about before it leaves your hands. Writing it all down is powerful — your psychologist was right about that. But it's worth asking what you're hoping it does once she reads it. If it's to finally be understood, the hard thing is that a mother who could take those words in and really feel them probably isn't the same one who's hurt you all these years. People like that tend to find a way to keep the last word.

So maybe write every bit of it, for you. Then see whether sending it actually gives you anything she hasn't already shown she won't give. The peace you're reaching for might live more in the leaving than in the letter landing.
You deserve that peace either way.

I am not sure cutting contact always provides peace but it sounds like a very emotionally difficult situation and much more relevant than some of these ridiculous people who cut contact just for not getting their own way or for when their parent makes a decision that they don’t like etc. I agree with others here that writing the letter is the cathartic part here. Revisiting this with a therapist again if it’s been a long time since you’ve done this might be useful.

Yes I am completely NC with my abusive mother. Best thing I ever did for myself.

I didn’t bother writing her a letter. In my case I simply stood up to her (asked her to stop shouting abuse at me in my own home) and she stormed out.

She thought I would make the first move but I never did. I was no use to her from there on as if I was strong enough to stand up to her she couldn’t enjoy abusing me any more. Therefore no point in maintaining a relationship.

I guess she went NC with me really 😆

She went NC with her own mother, her sister and so many friends over the years. She’s just vile.

Protect yourself. 💐

Hi MissSkate

Have you ever seen this long-running thread in relationships? Might be of interest.😊

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3902065-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-May-2020-onwards-thread