My friend has so many failed relationships!

[anotherone11]

I’m looking for some advice about a friend I care about very much.

I’ve known her for around 20 years. She has two children and currently lives with her parents after her relationship with her youngest child’s father broke down. Over the past year, she’s had several relationships that have moved very quickly. Since last September, she’s been on holidays with two different partners, introduced her children to them after only a few weeks of dating, and then the relationships have ended shortly after. She often seems to get swept up in new relationships, with gifts, expensive treats and holidays involved, but the pattern keeps repeating. The latest breakup has left her feeling very depressed, and I’m worried about her. I genuinely want to help, but I don’t know how to say, kindly and supportively, that she may need to take some time for herself and break this cycle rather than jumping straight into another relationship. Summer last year she met someone who was already in a relationship and within 2 weeks of meeting was telling him she has feeling for him. Has anyone been in a similar situation, either personally or with a friend? How would you approach this conversation without sounding critical or judgmental?

In this situation right now with a friend, in the 7 years ive known her she’s been in eight relationships, introduced all them to her children, had 3 of them move in, even put on facebook “happy step-fathers day.”
None last. Thought we finally got through to her last time to take time to herself & her children, lasted 4 months of her being a really good parent and now in another relationship and the cycle is repeating again where she’s putting a new man above her children.
Already on about him moving in after 4 weeks together. 🥴
unfortunately some people are just lost causes, ive given up. Suggest you to do the same.

I suspect if you say anything it won't be received well and you'll be given a verbal bollocking and defriended. Seen it before.

I agree with the comments above. I mean if this has been going on all her life, and she has never come to a moment of insight and looked critically at the way she approaches her life and her relationships, then thats an active choice she makes. She is deliberately blinding herself to the pattern that plays out because she doesnt want to change it. Shes either very immature emotionally, or hooked on the dopamine high and limerance that searching for 'the One' gives her. Either way, you holding up a mirror won't end well.

I dread when they end because we have this period where she is down and then she has to explain to the kids what’s has happened. When she met someone last year who was in a relationship I did tell her it was very wrong. But I think that lasted a couple of weeks. She hates living with her mum and dad and her 2 kids and I feel she is seeing these relationships as an escape route to moving out and getting a place with these men. Both of the children’s fathers are involved in the kids lives so the days she is free she takes random holidays with these people.

How does she even find so many people she’s interested in? Not really the point here, but I’ve always found that baffling.

But as per the other comments, I don’t really think there’s much you can do. If she hasn’t had a ‘lightbulb moment’ so far, anything you say is unlikely to make any difference at all.

She needs to do the work. Get some therapy and read/follow some self help relationship style creators and really understand herself. It won't be a magic bullet but it's necessary to stop repeating the same mistakes over and over. I have a dear friend who is similar. She has anxious attachment style and has had more 'the ones' than I can remember. She's stopped chasing the high of a new relationship and is taking an extended break from dating. There is no happy ever after at this point but she's not breaking her heart over three different men a year any longer.

She’s good looking and I think at first they think she is amazing. Goes the gym, plays for a football team and very outgoing. But I have a feeling she sees what she can get out of them; designer bags, holidays etc. and when they get tired of it they finish things. I just wish she wouldn’t introduce her kids to them so soon. The one in Sept last year she introduced the kids after 4 weeks

Not much you can do really, some women just cannot be alone. I know of a woman with many failed relationships behind her, many fathers to her kids, youngest baby is 3 weeks old and she is on dating websites. It does baffle me beyond all comprehension but it takes all sorts. Her best friend has had that many 'loves of her life' in the past 2 years that every time she crops up on my social media shes 'forever grateful' for yet another new man in her and her kids lives. It is an insecurity thing and has to be hard on the kids but honestly as she is a grown adult there really is nothing you can do.

It's a numbers game. If a woman is relatively attractive and willing to put the hours in on dating apps there are always time wasting mediocre future faking men available to mess her around.

Her wants are more important to her than her kids' wellbeing unfortunately. Some people are like that.

The introducing to the kids is the problem.
She can cycle through men to her heart's content in her own free time without it being anyone else's business.
But it's awful to be introducing them to the family. If you can intervene at all, that's where you should focus.

I really think you can say what you like but she may or may not listen but will have no self reflection on her part in it.

I knew someone who was similar to this. I(M) had a contract in a school and one of the teachers (F) was behaving in a similar manner. Almost as soon as I had started she had begin to flirt and she was very good at it. I checked her out on social media and there was a picture of a bloke draped round her (you had to see the picture to understand the description) She got engaged in New York during one of the school holidays. She however described New York as being Nice and did not mention that she had got engaged. She had known him less than 7 months and was planning to get married to him within 5 months. The fliting continued.

The last day I mentioned the mixed messages to one of my colleagues and I found out that she had had 4 different partners in the 5 years before she met her fiancé.

There were a number of people at work who were concerned about her at work as was one member of her family.

So this is a comparison to your friend. She could not see that she was in a destructive pattern and would not accept advice

All I can suggest is that be there to help pick up the pieces and only offer advice if it is asked for. However she as the cycle repeats then maybe she will never change. Maybe your friend wants to be loved and needed and wants validation and as you said maybe an escape route.

There are some similarities. Her instagram is full of pictures of trips away of just her and the places she had gone too. But none of the man who was with her at the time of the holiday. It just looks like she goes on all these lovely holidays by herself when in reality it’s the man that’s taken her away. Just hope she has some sense to not introduce the next man too soon to her kids because there will be someone waiting in the wings 🙈

I wouldn’t underestimate the impact of saying something, but you have to accept that the friendship might end.

There are many, many parents who put having a partner, any partner, ahead of the really obvious needs of their children. I can’t claim to be perfect in this regard myself as I introduced dp to ds when we had only been dating 3 months. I knew it was serious but tbh with hindsight I wouldn’t have done it.

The simplest thing you can do is to withdraw attention from anything she says or posts about relationships, and to bring up the children’s wellbeing if she says anything about her latest bloke. Ie to be audibly judgemental. She will justify it to you but at least having to do that will bring them to mind.

I wouldn't go into any detail with her, as if you've been monitoring things in her life - she probably won't welcome a barrage of unsolicited "if I were you" style advice - but as a friend you could make the suggestion about her taking some time out for herself, and looking after herself.

It doesn’t seem like her children are in danger and you don’t seem to like her. She is enacting very old wounds and patterns and a few words from you will do nothing but confirm what she already knows. Do you have friends that aren’t so needy? Do you have a history of having people you sort out?

I wouldn't, concentrate on your own life unless she asks you for help. If you don't want to keep her as a friend of course. Go ahead

Aside from introducing men quickly to her kids, what’s the problem? She’s dating. She’s allowed to meet men.

not everyone is lucky enough to meet a partner and be with them for life

The problem is her mental health after the relationship has finished. I want to say to her it seems like a vicious circle she is in. And she seems to have got worse each time the relationship finishes

What happens to her mental health after the break ups? Nobody is happy after a break up, that’s quite normal.

Some people just can't be single and have to be in a relationship

She becomes withdrawn and not her self, even the kids are affected as she won’t take them out anywhere because she will be in a depression. Which like you say is normal. But I think given the feedback on here I’ll just leave her to hopefully figure it out for herself. And hoping the next one is a good relationship for her.