Have I done the right thing?

[Snard4]

My teenager is involved in some risky behaviour at the moment and is generally being completely awful.

my husband can’t cope with him and loses his shit. He’s called him horrible names in the past etc. teenager does not have a good relationship with him. Lastnight felt like the peak of this.

i told him to leave and he did but now i feel sick with worry. Husband’s mental health is in the toilet and I’ve told him to go and see a doctor but he just won’t.

we have other kids.

help

Who did you tell to leave? The teenager? How old is he (difference between a 13 to 16 year old vs 17 to 19)?

More detail needed here - is your husband’s behaviour is a contributing factor to the teen’s behaviour? Is he his dad? What is the teen up to? Is there a better way to manage the situation?

I’m sorry, I asked husband to leave.

teen is 14.

Is there a better way to manage the situation?

well yes, I think there might be, but dear God, I wish I knew what/how 😢

He is his dad

Oh dear. That’s awful. Are they exacerbating each other’s behaviour? I do think you’ve done the wrong thing, but I’m not sure what the right is. I’ve been to hell and back (actually we’re still in hell) with one of our sons and the effects this can have are enormous. It is not unreasonable that your DH is struggling and has made mistakes. There must be underlying issues / more to this than meets the eye. Message your DH at least. You need to support each other, not just your son. Your son needs to see a united front also and see limits.

If your husband was yelling at your son (again), you did the right thing asking him to leave. Prioritising and protecting your 14 year old is the right thing to do. What is he up to, how are you tackling that?

Your husband is a grown up and responsible for his own behaviour. When he is calm, meet up and talk through what is the best way you can jointly support your son.

I feel like their relationship is very badly damaged 😭

If it was bad enough that you asked him to leave then you did the right thing. You have to protect your child and not prioritise a grown man who is abusive to your child. You’ve done the right thing and your son will be glad you did.

Where has he gone to? I think that is def the wrong move asking him to leave. What is the behaviour he is engaged with? Teenagers are awful. Really awful but pushing them away will set a lifetime of upset for them. You need to be there. Your husband needs to buck up.

Thank you. I told him (husband) it was abuse and also of our other kids who had to witness it.

what a mess 😭

Are you getting mixed up with who was asked to leave? Husband, not son.

What age is the teen and what are the risky behaviours?

Can you give us an outline of exactly what happened and was said prior to asking him to leave?

Is your husband getting help for his mental health?

Edited to add, what was their relationship like prior to the risky behaviour. Did they get on well?

Ah phew…yes I was ha ha..sorry. Good call then.

hes 14. Risky behaviours- he’s breaking the law.

i don’t want to give too much detail but swearing, shouting, throwing something at a wall that broke

i wish he was, but he won’t and I’ve been asking him for months

What are the main issues, with your son? Did he calm down after your husband left? It's hard to say if you've done the right thing without more info, was it physical between them or a shouting /swearing? Where did your husband go, do you know?

Sorry l just saw your update. If your son is breaking the law then that's serious and ideally you and your husband need to present a united front. Do you think family therapy /counselling might help ?

So your husband is struggling to deal with the behaviour of your son who breaks the law and he then loses his temper, shouts at him and calls him names? So he’s now left. I’m guessing the relationship has deteriorated with your sons increasingly challenging behaviour?

If it has reached this point, I would ask the school safeguarding team for a referral to support you both in parenting your boy (parenting support, family therapy?). I don’t think what you’re describing is that uncommon, and your husband sounds like he needs some strategies to deal with clearly very challenging behaviour from your son. I think a lot of men go in alpha man shouting and think their child will respond the way they did when they were children and kids are just not like that anymore, they will shout back and then some.

You both need support and to work on a united front in front of your child.

I think you've done exactly the right thing safeguarding your children. When teens engage in reckless risky behaviour, it's incumbent on us as adults to stay calm and deal with the situation. Your husband didn't do that, he escalated the situation and made it worse. He needs to understand that. I hope that once things have calmed down, you'll be able to have a sensible conversation about your son and also about your husband getting some help if he's struggling with his mental health.

If your son is behaving criminally are the police and other agencies involved?

Thank you. I’m at work now but will reply in a bit.

There may genuinely be no "good" option right now, but I think you probably did the closest to "the right thing" that you could under the circumstances. Your son has nowhere else to go and needs his parents' guidance and care at 14 no matter what trouble he may be in. Your husband's an adult; if he is having serious MH issues and refusing to even try to get help then his being away from the household when he can't control his anger is probably necessary.

Ultimately, though, you're going to run out of road if your husband really can't bring himself to get help, at the very least to channel his anger and remain (or appear) calm when lashing out does so much damage. If he can't communicate, he can't be a good partner or a good parent. Do you know WHY he won't seek help? It sounds pretty clear that there IS something wrong, and it's impacting the whole family negatively and taking up a lot of your mental energy at an already tense and difficult time.

You’ve got two issues unless you think the DS is playing up solely because of the dad’s mental health. What do you have any control over? Your son is involved in criminality to some extent - that’s obviously a spectrum isn’t it from graffiti or shoplifting through to selling drugs / county lines. I would definitely be flagging that behaviour up for help via the school. There might be some kind of local youth offending diversion programme but speaking to the school might help you on a path for help.

Do you think your DHs mental health issues are caused solely by the DS or is this a broader issue exacerbated by his behaviour?