How can I manage contact with my mum for family reasons?

[difficultrelationtime]

Bit of a long story but I will try to keep it short

I have always had a difficult relationship with my mum.
She favor my older sister over me and my other siblings and expected me to look after my younger siblings while she went out either with her latest boyfriend or my older sister.

We got on ok I stayed at home for university mostly due to cost. I had a girlfriend while I was there and when I told my mum she threw me out because her boyfriend at the time was homophobic.

It was an awful time I had nowhere to go and she refused to let me back home even when I offered to take it back and say I was wrong.
In the end I worked it out with the university and I cut contact with my mum.

A couple of years later she contacted me through another relative saying that she was sorry. I agreed to meet her and she apologised but then a few weeks later kept asking for favours like could I borrow her money.

So I stopped replying to her messages and eventually she took the hint and stopped messaging me.

Fast forward to now I have a good job met my DP and worked hard to make a good life for myself.
I send my mum and the siblings who live with her a card on birthdays and Christmas but that has been it

Till a couple of months ago when my sister was arrested and they needed someone to take her kids. So they moved in with me and DP. But to get updates on what was happening with my sister and the kids I had to be in contact with my mum. Plus the eldest DN wanted to go back and live with my mum and my mum wanted them with her so we were trying to sort that with SS.

I'm finding it really hard talking to her again after all this time apart. Some of her updates are useful and I need them. But a lot of the time shes just judging and giving her opinion constantly.

For example in half term DPs parents helped use sort out a paddling pool and slide. The kids had a great time. But all my mum could do was judge. That we shouldn't have let DPs parents help us out. That the kids would get bored of it etc. The most annoying part of this is that she would never do anything fun like this for us as kids, and she barely cared what the younger siblings and I were up to. I learned to was our uniforms and cook dinner because she wasn't bothered.

I thought this would improve when my eldest DN when to live with her beacuse she would have less reason to contact me. But its still bad and I'm struggling being in touch with her. But I still need to be in contact because I won't know whats happening with my sister.

So does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this or how to mentally checkout when dealing with her.
I know I shouldn't let it get to me and sometimes I don't. But sometimes its hard and I just want to cut contact but I can't.

that is a lot for one person. And admirable that you have taken responsibility for your DS children.

Your mum will always find fault with you. Its not who you are, but perhaps more to do where your DM is at in her life. She will continue for as long as you will have contact. The only thing you are in control over is how you react to it. If you allow your DM to impact you with the things she says at every opportunity, it will impact everything you do now, and in future. So perhaps imagine this shield that protects you when your mum is on one, and imagine it bouncing off. I know it sounds odd but dont own what she says, just dont own it.

Also, you may want to read up on dysfunctional families, and learn about the role you play in yours. I gather you are the scapegoat. I am in mine, or was. I had a lot of therapy to learn how to deal with my DM and meet her where she is at rather than where I want her to be.

Your mother will not stop doing what she is doing, so change the way it impacts you. She is manipulating you and its all an attempt to erode your confidence in some odd way. It will probably never change either, regardless of what you say to her, how you talk to her, whether that be soft, harsh, frank, or by expecting her to understand your feelings, she wont understand. So dont waste that time.

And a pook and slide sound awesome, and you seem like you got this, and be proud of that, really effin proud. They are lucky to have you on their side, and so is your DS. SS would never have handed over your DS children if you were not capable or loving. So remember that. You are doing great.

thank you for the kind words.
Your right I've always felt like the scapegoat.
For years I was so good at building a wall and I thought I was over all the negative emotions my family brought up.
But maybe that was just wishful thinking and the benefits of keeping my mum at arms length.

You are likely right OP - you had the benefits of keeping your mum at arms length which meant she couldn’t do as much damage. I suspect she enjoys belittling you and you may be trying to gain reassurance or recognition from her. She will enjoy putting you down so it’s no win for you. One technique for this is ‘grey rock’ google it to learn more but basically try your hardest to give no real reaction to her when she is in the attack. Learn a few stock phrases like ‘interesting viewpoint mum’, ‘noted’, ‘what a funny way of looking at it’, ‘I’ll bear that in mind’, ‘hmm’…then once you’ve said your stock phrases, go silent. Don’t ever show that she has rattled you. Act bored. Try to detach and think of it as a game.

But, sounds as though you are best to reduce contact as much as you can. She is bad news for you. If you have to have contact keep it short and perfunctory. Perhaps tell her you’re only really interested in updates re your sister and DN, no need to discuss anything else.

Its just so amazes me how some people are just able to slide in that one remark that just hits hard and you think that remark over in your head constantly. You are self aware enough to realise what your mum is doing. There is a Dr Ramani on Youtube who is great at explaining this tactic and I highly recommend her channel. It helped me see beyone what was being said and why it was so manipulate and meant to hurt.

I'm not sure why you need DM to update you about your sister and her family, especially if most of the children are living with you. Can SS not tell you everything you need to know?
I advise trying to go back to minimal contact. Ss could facilitate contact between the siblings/grandma.

Is there not a social worker who can update you?