When the contempt of parents for one sibling causes another sib.........

[Levanna]

That heading could have run on and on!
Really I would appreciate any help at all with this.
Briefly (as I've mentioned it before!) my stepdad used to beat the sh!te out of me between the ages of 7 and 16 (yes, I said 16). Fractured jaw and kneecap, knocked out, force fed, blahdeblah.
Okay, I have a brother who's 18 months younger than me, he was hit on the odd occasion. My sister is five years younger than me, she was hit once. (Please do not mistake this for some sort of point system, I am just trying to give background to this particular problem....bear with me!) In fact I was beaten up at 16 for standing between my stepdad and brother. No martyrdom intended, but I would much rather be beaten than watch either of them be (kind of selfish if anything!).
Right, since an early age therefore, my sister saw me treated at all times with contempt, disgust, as a failure etc. I was treated as such because I have a learning disorder (dyscalculia) though only recently diagnosed, I was always a bit 'dizzy', this was seen as stupidity or intentional reluctance to get things right when in fact I would try my damn hardest and still not 'get it'.
The current problem is that I honestly feel that through no fault of her own my sister feels contemptuous towards me, looks down on me. Basically, if I make any mistake (social/verbal) she basically becomes furious (as she has so often sen me treated by others) and ignores me for yonks. I love her deeply, I changed her nappies FFS! She was everything to me throughout the times everything else fell apart. But I can't stand the way things keep going between us. She jibes me in front of other people regarding my lack of education (she's at college), and belittles me but doesn't see what she is doing. We are close in ways as we have no contact with our 'parents' now, our children are close.
I'm so sorry for all this rambling, I don't know what else to write, or what to do, do you?

Your sister is possibly reacting as a learned response from what she saw as a child. Unless she has insight into her behaviour she will not improve. Any chance you could go to a counsellor together? You may both (all) benefit from talking through your abusive childhood. Sounds as though there are demons there that need released.

Levanna, you shoudn't stand back or apologise or feel like anythint, you have full human rights to feel crap with this situation, compitition or not, you obviously have been through the mill. From a selfish point of view, looking it from my perspective, what the hell is going on with these step dad that are in my opinion pieces of shit doing in mothers houses????????
I'm a single mum and i just dont get any of it, im sorry for you though

Levanna, i am really angry on your behalf i think you sister m,ust see you a 'scapegoat' to offload all her shitty feeling and take it out on you You will have to tell her this has to stop, you dont need this at all. i think mears is right - it will most probably do you good to talk about the past. But the next time she talks to you or treats you like dirt TELL HER WHAT YOU THINK

Sorry you had such an abusive childhood Levanna. I agree, I think you should try going to a counsellor together because an impartial 3rd party really might help you to resolve this. Take a deep breath and tell her before the next time it happens I think.

Agree .. I will bet that your sister adores you and this reaction is so inate (and learned) that she doesn't realise she's doing it

find a counselor, get advise on how best to raise the subject with sister then confront her, then if she's willing take her along to counselor

how does your brother treat you?

Levanna, I am sorry that I don't have any helpful advice for you but just wanted to say how impressed I am by the tolerance and insight you have already shown towards your sister's behaviour. I hope she changes her bevaviour soon as you certainly deserve more respect than she seem to show.

I agree with those who suspect that mistakes you make provoke an unconcious panic reaction in your sister, which she learned from a very young age - ie when you make a mistake, horrible, bad, dangerous and terrifying things happen, so you mustn't make a mistake. I suspect that she doesn't even realise that her panic and revulsion are a/obvious and b/related to your childhood experiences. That's not to say you need to put up with it. I think getting these things out in the open can be cathartic - eg saying, "Sometimes I feel sad by the angry way you react when I make a simple mistake" or " I feel hurt when you belittle my lack of education like this." and go on to talk about your childhoods. And yes, counselling might help too. I am so sorry you had such a terrible childhood. What an evil man your stepfather was.

Levanna that has moved me to tears, I am so sorry for what you have been through and that you are still suffering in this way.
Is it possible for you to get some help with self esteem and emotional protection?
Does your sister ever talk about the issues in a sympathetic way towards you, would she perhaps try counselling for you as a family?
I don't know what to suggest I sincerely hope you get some peace petal.

Thanks so much for all your advice. I read this earlier then sent my sister an email. I explained as accurately as I could all that I felt I needed to say, I also suggested joint counselling further down the line. She hasn't replied yet (she wasn't talking to me anyway, so no surprise there!). Thanks for helping me .

Levanna, I hope you get a positive response from your sister and can work this out. X

Levanna, this is awful, but i'e had a lot of red wine tonight and can't think straight, though just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and will look at this again tomorrow. Didn't want to ignore your post really cos you make me usually. Sorry - will look in on 'theads I'm on' tomorrow and might be more useful!!

V v sorry I'm not all there tonight!!!

Hugs, Levanna hun - I was really sad to read this post. I hope your sister responds positively - fwiw surely she can't like the way she treats you and I hope it makes her see that it's not on. If she responds cattily or in a defensive way, reassure her that you love her, but that you would like to get to the bottom of the situation surrounding your childhood and the way she acts towards you now. More hugs, bigger ones this time xxxxxx

Levanna, I felt sick reading what you have been through. I cannot imagine how awful it must have been and I agree with what the other MumsNetters have said - all good advice. Hope you get it sorted out.
PS Have posted again on your Fucidin post. Hope you read it.

TBH I keep getting the odd head wobble, and popping back here for reassurance. You lot really do know how to soothe a girls soul! Thank you so, so much xx

Hi Sobernow and thanks . I haven't heard from her yet, maybe she's just taking time to digest all I wrote, maybe she's still just not talking to me. I had a lovely chat with my brother this evening though, so that was comforting. It is difficult for him as he is still in touch with our parents and seems to have blocked what happened from his mind. It means that we can't discuss this sort of thing at the moment, but in time, maybe we will. He needs time to heal from a pain he hasn't yet realised IYSWIM. I'm worried for him as he recently rang me mid crisis (he harms himself though I didn't realise until this recent call ). I'm not sure what to do to help him.
He is sounding quite well ATM, he even found our 'missing' (natural) father recently after he (father) went AWOL, so that's something to be happy about. Thank you for your message .

Still nothing!

An update...........

Nothing!

....I mean "nothing, not a word back so far".

Thanks Sobernow, I was thinking along the same lines. I had to pick something belonging to one of my friends from her, so I called her thinking it would be an ideal opportunity to start to talk. She said she'd leave the item at reception, then turned her phone off. So, as you say, she's probably taking time to think this through. She's gone on holiday now so I don't suppose I'll hear from her for a bit anyway. I suppose I'd hoped we might talk before she went.
Thanks for looking in!

My jaw dropped with disbelief at your message... how terrible a time you had!! How absolutely horrific!! It must have been such an emotional time for you both!

Could it be that your sister may feel emabarassed in someway because she knows what happened - because your "parents" were ignorant of your problem, and when she sees you having difficulties, this brings it all back to her?

Perhaps it is something she is unable to express to you and she does so in the only way she knows how? Anger/frustration as was shown to her by the parents. Perhaps b/c of the way she has been brought up, she feels that she cannot show any "sympathy".

Are you in a position to speak to her about her behaviour? These memories will not go away for you, or for her perhaps... maybe it is time to get all these feelings of your pasts out in the open? Time to find each other again?

I am sure your sister loves you dearly and is not embarassed by you as a person, but by her limited ability to show you just how much she loves you. Try picking up the phone and saying something like - "hey sis - just calling to say I love you...we haven't got together in a while, how about meeting up for a coffee/shopping/kids tea... "

What ever happens, I wish you luck. Siblings relationships are never easy. Took me a while to get my brother on side, but in the end, it was worth the slog. We still have our moments but in the end we clear the air and start again.

((((Huge hugs)))) for you and your sister. Best of luck.