Posting to vent

[clearlyy]

about a month ago exDP told me he doesn’t know if he wants kids. He can’t see a future where he has them. He KNEW how badly I wanted babies after losing my first child three years ago. For a bit of background, I’m very social, outgoing, have lots of hobbies, lots of friends, I like being outside. He is the complete opposite. So he thought being with me (his first girlfriend in 10 years) that it’s a new start for him, we’ll get married etc etc. but it just turns out that because we are so fundamentally different, he realised he doesn’t want that life anymore. That’s fine but I wish he didn’t try to be someone he’s not, for me.

So anyway for the last month I’ve been crying all the time. exDP had no idea how to comfort me, we couldn’t fix it, so I was building the courage to leave him. I hated having to do that. I told him he put me in an awful situation where I’ve got to make a decision whether we stay together or not.

this brought up other fundamental differences. I’m a very emotionally intelligent person, he isn’t. I want to live in a countryside house he wants a flat in the city. I want to go out on dates and see the world he’s not bothered for it and just likes to stay in. I didn’t feel like I had a boyfriend at all because I’m really affectionate he wasn’t. He COULD be. But naturally that’s just not who he is. He doesn’t think of doing stuff like that. And before you say it we are both neurodivergent.

It got to the point on Monday where I got my first period in a year (because of birth control) and it was HURTING. he didn’t offer to rub my back, nothing. So I just snapped. I said “This is done, isn’t it. We can’t fix this can we?” He agreed with me, but I pulled the trigger and said this is done. No arguments. A kiss and a cuddle and he left for his mums. Probably the most adult breakup I’ve ever had. No bad blood.

he’s coming to get his things and move back to his mums (he’s 28, I’m 30 with my own place). I was very overbearing over texts and now I feel really guilty because we wanted to keep everything friendly but the whole thing has really devastated me.

im trying to tell myself that we were too different. You’ll be fine. But god I really miss him. We were only together 10 months. I’ve not had a relationship last more than a year in about 10 years. They change their minds or don’t know what they want, or cheat, or lose feelings and leave. Always. I don’t know why this keeps happening. They’re always so lovely at the start and then they get lazy and stop trying when I try so so hard. I love too hard and too much and I just want it back that’s all. I know this man loved me for me and I him, we had fun and he’s my best friend.

now he’s blocked for the foreseeable. I hope to be able to talk sometime in the future because he really is a lovely man. Just not the man for me.

gutted.

so I’m going to run a 10k, book a holiday to Japan, and save up to buy my countryside house to have babies in one day. He will continue sitting in his room… whatever floats your boat is suppose. How do I make this hurt less?

We really were. I just wish I could stop crying about it. I made the choice. I just hated that it came to this! Need to keep reminding myself this x

Op

I mean this kindly.

Stay away from relationships for a while and when you do go back to them go slowly, have fun and just try to not get so heavy so quickly.

Talking about marriage, kids and already moved in and broken up after 10 months. God I would find all that claustrophobic. You should still be in the honeymoon phase where you're getting to know each other, not making life decisions.

Well I just made him aware of what I wanted out of life, and he said he wanted the same thing so we made a go of it. I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t believe in marriage etc so I find out quickly if that is on the cards. We didn’t talk about it. I said we would revisit the kids talk like 3-4 years, let’s just have loads of holidays and have a good time. We weren’t making any life decisions. HE was the one who told me we’d be engaged this year. In my head I was taking it slow as I wouldn’t have made a go with him at all if he told me he doesn’t see a future where he has kids.

i know you’re right, but I genuinely thought that I was doing the right thing… :(

God what was wrong with the replies?? 🤣

@clearlyy he said he wanted the same thing, so he either lied to get you into bed or he changed his mind? They say opposites attract and that might be true, but if your big dreams are different i can’t see how that would ever work as one of you would be forced to make one or more life altering decisions that you would likely regret in the future. I’d concentrate on you for a while, build your foundations and when you’re ready find a man that want’s to be a part of your dreams.

But you had made life decisions - you moved in together - I wouldn't move in and move out of somewhere where someone else in under 10 months. And you said that HE said about getting engaged - well it takes two do get engaged. Presumably you said: "No that's far too soon to get engaged this year? We've not known each other long enough."?

You're mourning what might have been and seem to think he's sent you up the garden path, but from all that you've shared it seems that you've been fundamentally incompatible from the start. The having children issue is a big refrain throughout your postings and that's not something I would ever expect to raise it's head so much within 10 month relationship, it's just too much, too fast.

I agree with @PaperMachePanda - take some time out to focus on you. I think the running and the holiday sound like a good plan. Buying a country home to raise multiple kids sounds like you are getting ahead of yourself, once again.

Full disclosure: I'm building Our Alcove, a tool around guided relationship conversations, so I tend to look for what's underneath — and the breakup might be the smaller part of what you're carrying here.

This really hurts, and it makes sense that it does. You didn't just lose him — you lost the future you'd let yourself picture with him.

There are a couple of tender things underneath, if you feel able to look at them. The fear you named yourself: that you love too hard, that people always leave. And how much you needed this one to be the one, after everything you've already lost.

Here's the gentle bit. He was real, and you loved him. But the things you're actually aching for — being chosen, a home, a life with babies in it — those were never only his to give. He was one person you hoped to find them with. Not the only place they exist.

Missing him is allowed. Just try to hold it next to that, when you can.

Ofer

I agree with pp you've moved way too fast and it sounds like there was a bit of love bombing going on. How many months did you actually date before living together? You hardly knew each other!

Yes you can talk to find out life goals such as marriage or children but you were too far apart in who you were or want you wanted from life in general. Opposites might attract but they very rarely survive purely because they are too different.

Try the Freedom Programme OP, it's not just for abused women it's also for those who might need more help around noticing love bombing or red flags over who move in too soon.

It doesn't sound like you were compatible at all but break ups are hard, it's ok to be upset and cry and vent to your friends! You've just got to give it time, you will be ok.

I did think when I read you post, that maybe you do come across as a bit too much and this might be the reason relationships haven't worked out so far. You say you 'love hard' and want that in return - that sounds a little clostrophobic! Maybe in your next relationship, hold back a little, try and be a bit more laid back and 'see how it goes' - let him do the chasing. Try not to get too serious too quickly.

Op if you fall in love hard and they always end up leaving have a look into anxious attachment styles. I’d recommend the book ‘attached’ to fully understand this and how it triggers you, how to find and keep relationships.

Thank you everyone. Given me a lot to think about for the future. I think it just felt “right” for both of us and we just did what was making us happy - him moving in with me for example. We had lots of fun together. I’m just really upset. I never mean to be a lot, I am AuDHD and I just do what feels the right thing to do at the time. He never told me I was too much, he really loved me but it’s just incompatibility. Hate that it’s ended like this.