No sex drive nine months after baby and unsure how to restart

[MillyS84]

Hi,

I had a baby 9 months ago and still haven't had sex with my husband. I love him but I have no sex drive and also he hasn't asked since. I don't know how to start discussing about it because I really don't feel like I want sex. My baby is still breastfeeding often, and I feel over touched all the time. On the other hand I feel a bit sad that my husband hasn't asked for it until now. I would also like to try for another baby soonish... But I don't want to have sex as a duty. Before the baby we had a nice sexual life. Anyone with the same experience? Where do I start again?

Thank you in advance of you want to share your experiences 😊

Babies are exhausting - I imagine your dh is also in shock and tired, but 90% will be not wanting to put pressure on you. I can guarantee he has thought about it! He sounds like a good guy.

It’s hard to feel in the mood when you’re worried you’ve got a short window of four hours before the baby’s next feed. Sleep is usually priority over sex.

Physically how do you feel? Good or bad birth experience? How do you feel about your body and general attractiveness?

I wouldn’t leap straight into “right, next task sex.” Start with simple things. Put on nice clothes and a non-feeding bra. Do your hair or shave your legs or whatever makes you feel like a woman/wife not a mum/feeding machine. Get some sleep.

You’re just out of the habit and it will all come back to normal given time. Some flirting, a cuddle that gets a bit steamy, whatever - it won’t take long before your dh realises the game is back on and once you are both reciprocating you’ll get back on track.

It is normal hormonally when you are breastfeeding and the general emotional constraints and being touched out are very normal too. That said, sometimes you do have to just force yourself.

try having some 1:1 time, connect physically in other ways first. Hopefully it feels more natural that way.

Breastfeeding destroyed my sex drive too! I think that's normal.

I did still initiate sex though, but less often than before as generally we were both busier and more tired too. I was never 'in the mood' but I knew it was just hormonal and I did miss the emotional closeness. It's important in a marriage and therefore it's important to make an effort (actual health conditions aside). I found that once we got started I became enthusiastic and always ended up enjoying it, so yes it was an effort to start but always worth it. If you don't try, how will you know?
Your husband is probably just being respectful and waiting for you to say you're ready, rather than that he doesn't want you. Either talk about it, or just initiate sex and see what happens.

This for me too. Both times I extended breastfed, and had really limited sex drive. However from 2-3 months I made an effort to even though I could have taken it or left it (probably left it to be honest!) and it did kids of kick start things a bit. I think otherwise it would have built up to be some huge thing by for me if I’d had a really long gap of not having sex. It’s also important for our relationship.

However it wasn’t til I stopped breastfeeding that it really came back. And to be honest juggling kids and jobs means it’s probably not as frequent as my partner would like

@MillyS84 as a man i may not be qualified to comment on this, but, it might be that he's genuinely a caring person, knows you're not feeling it and is quietly sitting back and hoping the spark comes back, it might be affecting him but he's not showing it out of respect for you, or he may feel it's an awkward conversation to bring up, not everyone feels comfortable talking about that kind of stuff, rather than have the awkward conversation maybe just do something subtle to see how he responds first, cuddle up to him in bed and see if it feels right for both of you, if it does try to touch each other a bit more intimately, you might find it just needs a push. Obviously if you do that and you aren't feeling it then i'm not really sure where you go from there. Best of luck though.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It makes me feel better that I am not alone in this. I will try to find sometime for me and my husband alone and see where we go from there

Thank you, I will try to get some 1:1 time and see where we go from there. It might work or it might just be that we end up watching our son's pictures while he is away😅

So it's ruined your sex life, which may continue indefinitely, especially if you have another baby...and you...want to have another baby? With a husband who you can't even vocalise all this to?

Make it make sense.

I'd be surprised if the relationship survived that. You want to probably be a single mum to one kid, or definately be a single mum to two?

Sorry if that's harsh but you have to weigh that up.

Would not rush to have another baby yet. You need to get back to being yourself and also getting back to normal with your husband. If you only want to have sex with him to have a baby, that isn’t going to be good for your relationship and you may simply drift apart / fall apart. Even if things are not like they were before the baby, there needs to be an increase in intimacy. Do you and your husband hold hand, cuddle in bed, kiss?