Need advice on whether I should try and reconnect with my dad

[HarveytheWhale]

I haven’t spoken to him in about ten years.

he wasn’t around when I was growing up. He got in contact when I was 16 and I was living with my mum and stepdad, being abused in every single way possible. Naively I thought my dad would rescue me.

we got to know each other over years of writing letters and then meeting up, and when I was 21 he decided to move hundreds of miles away for no reason other than wanting to be in that part of the country. I was crushed and it was hard to see each other. There were some instances of him being insensitive and aloof and it fell apart. I got in contact with him again when I was in my early 30s and we got on great but the distance still made things hard and I felt a bit picked up and put down as he wasn’t in regular contact.

so here we are now in my late 40s. I’m in contact with his dad and sister and have been for years. I wonder a lot about being in contact with him too. I would have to be brutally upfront with him about what I’d need to make this work and if he can’t do it then ok, I’ll walk away. But equally I don’t want to get my heart broken again.

any thought or advice would be appreciated.

I also have a 15 year old who would maybe welcome having an extended family beyond the 3 of us in our house.

I think it feels like a big decision but remember it’s not one-off decision. It’s something that’s always up for review.

It sounds like you feel there is something that re-connecting with your Dad might offer you and your family. If you reconnect and it didn’t offer you anything then you can let the relationship fall away.

I would also be honest with yourself how you are atm. If you are longing for your Dad because you are feeling vulnerable it would not be the best time to reconnect. But if you are generally feeling robust and that you are in a good place to handle it if reconnecting didn’t work out as you might hope, then those circumstances are better.

It's a gamble isn't it? Mainly due to his repeated actions or lack of action I should say.

There is no right or wrong answer. You need to do what you need to do - then at least you can be at peace with it to some extent.

If you heard tomorrow, that he'd passed away - what would your initial reaction be? There's your answer.

Perhaps another option would be to write him a letter saying everything you need to - but you've got to prepare yourself for no reply.

If I was in your situation (from the snapshot you've shared), I would give it one more attempt. If it doesn't work out this time, walk away for good.

Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for.

As someone who has/had rubbish disinterested parents, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Absolutely nothing would stand in the way of a relationship with my children. Lots of people live hundreds or thousands of miles from their parents as adults and still have warm, close relationships. You’ve given him many, many chances over nearly 50 years. I think if he wanted to be in your life and had the emotional capacity to do so, he would be. You can’t drag them kicking and screaming into being the sort of parent you want them to be.

Sure, by all means, reach out, but only if you’re okay with it being no more than it’s always been. If you need more than that, I’d leave it be. Presumably, he knows how to contact you via his family?

Thank you for this, I think I needed to hear it. I get the strong impression that he’s always liked the idea of having me around as a novelty, like ‘I’ve got a daughter’ but it always really pissed me off that he got to have all the good stuff- days out with me etc- without actually being around or being committed. And you’re right he is never going to become a constant loving presence in my life and I shouldn’t have to fight for him to be.