Do I go low/no contact with my mum?

[MrsDaveGrohl78]

I’m in a place where I’m not sure what to do about my mum.

We’ve had a turbulent relationship for most of my life but I’ve always tried to make it work. I’m 47 and she’s 62, I have a vivid memory of her trying to strangle me when I was 13/14 and had a fall out with her a few years ago - we didn’t speak for almost a year after she left me some pretty vile voicemail messages when my phone was switched off.

I moved 300 miles away from friends and family 7 years ago but try to go back as often as I can to visit, I visit my dad and stepmum and my mum always asks me to go visit her too, which I do. My mum has always had huge issues around alcohol and it seems to be me she always verbally abuses either over the phone. I feel she hates me but my sisters claim she looks forward to me visiting.

My last visit just a couple of days ago really took the biscuit and I’m wondering whether to just go no contact. I was preparing food for us as she was getting pretty drunk (drinking sherry) and I’d only been there about 3 hours. I asked her where the pork was so I could cook it, she got it out of the fridge and launched it across the kitchen at me, I thought oh great here we go again. I asked her (quite angrily) what she thought she was playing at and she shrugged, stepped towards me and put her finger in my face, before she had a chance to say whatever it was I told her “No, just stop this right now or I’m going to leave”. She told me to do whatever the hell I wanted to do, so I said fine and started putting my trainers on while she screamed at me that I was a coward. I went into the kitchen, drained the potatoes as I didn’t want her to do it and burn herself. Then she told me she had a message, I asked her what and she replied “your dad doesn’t want to know you, not (dad’s name), your real dad” I was shocked the conversation had taken this turn but upon further questioning she denied she’d even said it. I decided at this point to definitely get out of there so I left and headed back to my dad’s house. As I left she was shouting that I was just a princess (?).

When I got to my dad’s house I told him and my stepmum about it then my sisters and they were all shocked but it’s getting to be typical behaviour from her. She’s drunk every single day and destroys any family celebrations, my sister won’t even set a wedding date since she caused such a scene at her engagement party.

Every visit to her fills me with dread and always ends up with me being verbally abused in some way. Would I be wrong to go low/no contact with her or would I be being cruel to someone with serious alcohol issues? Sorry this is so long but I needed to get all context in and not drip feed. If you’ve made it to the end, thank you!

It's never an easy decision but for your peace of mind and well being, I would reduce contact significantly.

I agree with @Wecanbeheroes26 If you do decide to continue seeing her perhaps make it very clear that you won't be spending any time with her while she is drinking or if you can tell that she has been drinking before you arrive. Ad that includes phone conversations. Then do as you did when you were helping her cook, just leave, but as soon as the bottle comes out rathe than once she's started running her booze mouth.

She sounds vile. Do what you need to protect yourself.

Protect yourself OP, she sounds like a nightmare. In future when you visit the rest of your family l would not include her. Very low contact is the only solution for your peace of mind. Until she stops drinking sadly you can never count on any rational behaviour from her.

Yes it is completely understandable to go no contact from what you've described.

Was she 14 or 15 when she got pregnant with you? She sounds like a traumatised woman. How old is your dad?

You can't change her OP. Only she can change herself and it sounds as though whatever issues she has are long term and serious.

You must look after yourself and do what is best for you.

It's good that you live a distance away from her. Personally I think you should stop visiting her and have as little to do with her as possible.

Yes, go no contact.

She chooses this.

You're not obliged to endlessly put your head on her chopping block.

Yes absolutely go no contact with her. She is an abusive alcoholic and you do not need to put up with it any more.

No she was 24 when she had me, my dad has just turned 80 (there was 8 years between them).

Thanks for your replies, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t overreacting. It’s my mum but I just feel like I’m done with it all!

So sorry, there’s a typo, she’s 72 not 62!

You're not overreacting.
its healthy to want to protect yourself from harm. Just don’t visit her.

I was really struck by you going back to drain the potatoes. Next time get out and leave her to it.

Walk away. I was in a similar position to you and the day I cut contact with my mother I remember feeling like I could breathe properly for the first time. The fact that she strangled you is enough on its own.

Her only relationship is with alcohol.
Nothing else matters.
I have a friend your mum’s age who has been sober 20 years. I have known her for 10 so I’ve only known her sober.
When she describes the ‘drunk’ her it’s like an other person - violent and vicious. I know she goes to AA and it really helps.
She once thew a brick through her own sister’s window.
Unless your mum gets sober, I would leave her to it. She doesn’t care the damage she’s doing and she’s taking her pain out on you.
It will kill her and there is nothing you can do.
It is good you still have your dad around.
Tell your mum unless she’s sober you can’t be around her.
We all want a mother’s love but you will never find it in her.

Am I right that she was 15 when she had you? (Haven't slept, poor maths). She sounds like she needs therapy and alcoholism intervention.

But you need safety, respect and peace. She can almost certainly never give you that, she hasn't done yet. And you cannot be responsible for forcing another adult to seek help and change. It seldom works anyway even if we try, if they aren't completely willing.

It broke my heart to read the little kind act of you draining the potatoes before leaving, even in such an upsetting situation, to keep her safe.

That really echoed so many absurdly normal things I've done in extremely high stress situations. You are lovely. Those potatoes really, profoundly sum up the ridiculous pain caused by terrible parents... The normality clashing with the horror of how they are
We don't want to hurt them, we do our best, but they are still horribly flawed and actively choosing to be damaging to us. I'm so sorry.

I would go no contact, and get therapy for yourself, and salvage the rest of your time on this earth with (hopeful, eventual) peace.

I would absolutely put yourself first. She will never.

None of this is your fault. You were the child, she was the adult. You will never get the relationship you want or deserve from your mother, and that's really difficult to accept deep down, but if you can you'll be more free.

There are clearly lots of factors going on that are contributing to her behaviour, which may not be her fault, but they were and remain her responsibility to take accountability for and deal with in order to have a relationship with you.

She has not done this, and that has consequences. It sounds to me like you have given and given and now might realise that it will never be enough, and you'd be right.

Do what works for you. If that is not seeing her again, that's allowed. Nobody gets to reprimand you for that. You might decide to only see her on neutral ground, and if that works, you might feel safe enough to pop round for a half an hour cup of tea. You get to decide. At a minimum I'd be giving it a good few months break while you work out what you need.

I am NC with my mum. She is not a drunk and has not really been physically violent like yours has, but she lives a very dysfunctional life that put my dc in harm’s way. I cut contact between her and my dc to keep them safe, and she went around spreading lies about Dh and I (to the point that one of her friends got in touch with me to ask why I stole £250k from her? 🤣 I said, I’m sorry, what?! I contacted her and asked her what the hell she was playing at and her response was that her friend has brain fog because she has long COVID and just made that up. 🙄 Her friend forwarded me the email). Anything to deflect from what’s really going on apparently.

For me, I made the decision when it got to the point where if she was my partner I’d have broken up with her. A relationship is a relationship. It should be filled with kindness, respect and trust. It doesn’t matter if she’s my mum or a boyfriend. It’s not okay for anyone to treat me (or my dc or Dh) like that. I haven’t seen her in 6 years and haven’t spoken to her in 4. I cannot tell you the difference it’s made in my life. I have peace now.

You are definitely not over-reacting. Your mum is an abusive, violent alcholic and has never been a good mother to you.

Luckily, you have your dad and step-mother for support.

You are perfectly justified in cutting her off completely. She brings absolutely nothing positive to your life and you will better off without her.

Please protect yourself and go no contact. You don't owe her anything, not visits, phone calls or messages. You can just say to yourself I'm done, and free yourself. She has been abusive towards you your whole life and alcoholism isn't an excuse. I've known plenty of alcoholics who aren't nasty people.

You deserve to have some peace and you won't find that with her still in your life.