Is This A Red Flag? Not Met His Family Or Friends

[IHeartDancing]

Me (F54) and DP (M57) Met on a dating app just over a year ago and have been dating and exclusive for 10 months now. Sorry this is going to be a bit long........

We have a great relationship even though he lives 2hrs away, we see each other maybe twice a month, text and facetime every day and I feel there is a genuine love between us. But there is this one thing niggling at me, I've not met any of his friends or family. For context, I'm widowed with 3 adult children, one of whom still lives at home with me. I had a very short term relationship and a few dates with other guys (nothing serious) before I got with DP and he's the only man whom I have introduced to my children and some of my wider circle of friends.

For reasons he's explained to me, he's N/C with his surviving parent and has been for a very long time. He has an adult child and one grandchild whom he has a good relationship with and sees them both occasionally.

One time he said to me that a previous girlfriend had asked about meeting his child (I have never asked this) and he told her that it was up to the child which I thought ok, fair comment at the time it wasn't massively important to me as we hadn't been seeing each other that long. A couple of months ago, we went to a theatre show and he said "I'm not going to tell Cath (not her real name) as she will want to come too" - Cath is an older lady friend of his who mixes in the same social groups as DP. There's absolutely nothing going on there, she's in her 80s.

I said I wouldn't mind if Cath joined us but he was adamant he didn't want her 'tagging along' So now I'm wondering is this normal or am I overthinking things? We have a destination holiday together booked later this year and have been on a couple of mini breaks so in my mind, it's serious between us and I know he's committed to our relationship. How do I broach the subject of meeting his friends and at some point his family? I know he's showed colleagues my pic and they know we're a couple, his child and friends know that we are together too so it's not like he's keeping me as a secret. Any advice would be much appreciated!

How do you know that his colleagues know you’re a couple?
How do you know that his son knows you’re a couple?
Have you spoken to any of them?

Because he's turned down overtime at work when I've been staying at his (and told them why) in general conversations he refers to me as his girlfriend and he showed my pic to his colleague who asked. His child knows we're together as he tells them when we're going away. No, I have never spoken to any of them and I've no reason to disbelieve him.

How come he is estranged from his parent and only sees his child and grandchild occasionally? Do you know for sure that Cath is in her 80s or is that just what he has told you? Same question about his kids and colleagues knowing about you. Maybe he is just saying that.

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In my experience, when it’s right and you’re the only one, boyfriends can’t wait to introduce you to their circles. Sounds like he isn’t sure yet. 10 months is not a super long period of time but nor is it short. I would have expected to meet at least a few of his friends by now, if not his family

Have you seen a photo of Cath? Or is his wife called Cath and he's told you it's his friend in case he slips up?
Have you been to his house?

He’s hiding something

Where do you actually meet? Have you been to his house? Do you go to pubs, restaurants, shops etc where he lives?

Just another man sneaking around. Half-truths and omissions,.. Listen to your instincts OP. They’re never wrong.

Yes, I've seen photos of her and the other people in the group he's in. I stay at his when I visit and yes we go out and about locally. He holds my hand, kisses me in public (not OTT PDA though! 😂) We did bump into a couple that he knows and he introduced me as his girlfriend.

I was thinking of saying to him while we're on holiday "Hey, I'd really like to meet X & Y" (child & grandchild) "What do you reckon?" and see what his response is. I don't want to pressurise him into facilitating this but on the other hand I don't want to be compartmentalised neatly into his life.

I could be wrong but I'm not getting any red flags other than a need to compartmentalise his life. And that could be an issue. I think having an open chat about the next steps and meeting his child and grandchild is a fair and appropriate thing to do. That chat will lead you forward in your concerns.

I would bring up meeting his family.

After one year of dating express that you hope that, in the next few months, he will be happy to introduce you to his adult child.

It sounds suspect to me.

Does he have a close group of friends he meets regularly? Where do they meet? How about going along and meeting the friends? And yes to raising meeting his child and his response will enlighten you in some way.

Is he a bit of a loner I wonder?

Was it ever discussed, that you would blend family and friends? I personally don't blend. I prefer the "just us" type of relationship and everything else is outside of that.

I hope it’s not Scottish Gordon from Norfolk!
He sounds similar to someone I had the misfortune of having in my life for some time

I have been in a long distance relationship for 5 years, both in our early fifties. At ten months I had met one of his siblings and a few of his friends, naturally at social events - not as a deliberate introduction. It took me about 15 months to meet his adult son, parent, grandchild.

I would have felt strange at 10 months in if I had met no one. It's an important way to put someone in context and understand them better, to see their friends and how they all interact. My partner is very sociable though. As pp said, is yours a bit of a loner? Do his family live a distance away?

Do you stay at his house? I'm not sure why he wouldn't just invite you along to meet his friends in the pub or doing whatever he usually does on the weekends you are not there.

Some interesting replies. Not drip feeding but in answer to some questions:

He's N/C with parent due to a really crappy childhood (neglect) Not going into full details but we've spoken about it and I understand.

Child lives in a different town to him and is very career oriented, they are close and he buys gifts for grandchild when we're away. My daughter did say that not everyone has the same family dynamic as we do - I'm very tight knit with my 3.

I stay at his home when I visit him and vice versa. Our relationship otherwise is really nice, he's very loving and affectionate and is generally a good man, very kind and my children like him.

He can be a loner but not in a weird way. From what he's told me of his past (he's been very open) I think it's more of a self preservation thing. He socialises within local groups - coach trips, lunches, bowling that sort of thing. They seem to be mostly older and retired. I don't want to encroach on this as it's his free time and not really my bag anyway!

On the weekends we're not seeing each other, it's usually because he's working.

No, definitely not Gordon from Norfolk!! 😂

OP your thread is about not meeting family or friends and now you say you don’t want to meet his friend and have made excuses for his child.

How do you see this relationship progressing and in 5 years time? If current status is great then what is it you really want?

Thanks for your reply. I haven't made excuses for his child, someone further up in the thread asked why he only sees them occasionally, it was in response to that question. I would love to meet his child/grandchild but I don't want to push the issue at this point in time, that's why I'm thinking of bringing it up while we're away on holiday. It does need addressing though but I'm mindful of the comment he made about an ex which I think was aimed at me and was in the very early stages of us seeing each other. I meant I don't want to get involved in going out with a bunch of people from his social group. They're not close friends as such and the time we spend together I'd prefer for it to be just us. I did say I wouldn't have minded his friend coming to the theatre with us so I'm quite open to meeting his individual friends.

Who knows where any of us will be in 5yrs time? I didn't expect to be widowed at 51 so I have no expectations for the future. I'd love to be settled and in a good relationship, but life throws curve balls and so I've learned not to build up a picture of a 'perfect future' that may or may not happen 🙃