Unsure on my feelings

[fredandphe]

thank you to anyone who reads this.

Hi. I’m 23, I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years with my partner and we have 2 children together. I was 18 when I first got with him, 6 months later I was pregnant. Then 2 years later we had another baby. Our relationship has had its ups and downs as any relationship does, but now I’m truly questioning whether we are compatible anymore. I literally have no idea what to do. I feel like my romantic feelings towards him have gone, we constantly don’t see eye to eye and it just feels like we are more like roommates.

i think i do want to leave, but im so so scared because what if im making the wrong choice and its just resentment? What if we can work it out? But what if i stay and we never work it out and i regret everything when im older? Im scared of hurting him and our kids. It makes me feel physically ill the thought of upsetting him because I do still care. But then its also not fair to stay just to avoid the all this pain because he also deserves someone to love him like he loves them.

i have so many fears about everything. How will i parent alone, i cant drive i live 40 mins away from my family. Where would he even go? Will i be forever alone? I dont look like most women my age because of my stretch marks and loose skin. How can I ever trust anyone around my kids? I feel like im losing my mind and I know nobody can give me the answers but myself.

please be gentle if you do reply to this because im sensitive :( sorry if this whole post is just a jumbled mess i just cant think straight right now

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355044-i-dont-feel-attracted-to-my-partner-anymore?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

this is a post i made last year that i completely forgot that i wrote. Makes a lot more sense than what i was just typing here. Is it normal to feel this way for so long? Is that telling?

Op what are the reasons you want to leave, is it simply that the romance has left and you feel like roommates or is there more to it than that? Not judging or dismissing just trying to understand.

If that's the only reason and he is otherwise a good partner, would it be worth looking at couples counselling? You've been together through very formative years and have also been in the trenches with a young family for a lot of that. I think most couples struggle a bit at that stage and need some help to reconnect with each other in that way outside of just being mum and dad all the time. Do you get much time together/ individually? Do you go on dates etc? Do you have much support?

That being said if you feel it's finished and you just can't see any way forward or if he's not being a good partner to you then you're allowed to walk away if you need to. You could learn to drive? Being a single parent is really hard, but lots of women your age have had kids. Any man worth having won't give a hoot about that. Similarly if you're sharing custody with their dad you'll have some nights to yourself which is when you could date when you feel ready so that person wouldn't need to come into contact with your kids for a long time. I think that's much easier than trying to date as a lone mother.

The tough bit is being apart from your kids so often and the transition plus trying to preserve a co parent relationship in the middle of a seperation is hard , especially if not mutually agreed.

Have you spoken to your partner about how you've been feeling and what does he feel about where you're both at in your relationship?

If you've been unhappy for so long and nothing is getting better, then leave. Or tell him to leave.

Do you have some friends or family who can help you with the children?

I haven’t spoken to him about me being unsure about my feelings. We go out when we can, but it honestly feels like we are just friends. Like I don’t want to hold his hand, or kiss him or anything like that anymore. As for support I have as much as I can from my mom but she is also a carer for my dad who had a stroke so it’s hard for her.

Well no matter who you settle with, the shine will wear off them after a while.. so maybe can you just go for a quiet pint together and see if you can get along outside the home? Are you working? What interests hobbies do you have?

OP, having read your previous post there are plenty of reasons why you are no longer attracted to him and if nothing has changed then l would be looking to separate. If he hasn't addressed them yet then his anger issues and poor hygiene would be enough for me to want to leave him. Please consider moving back near your Mum for family support and also make learning to drive a priority so you have some independence.

@fredandphe do you know when you started to feel that way about him, was there a defining moment when you stopped wanting to be close to him, like after childbirth or did he do something that caused resentment or something, there is likely a reason why you lost your sparkle for him, not saying it's always obvious, could be hormone changes after having children or any number of things. If you can work out when and why you stopped feeling that way about him maybe it will help you decide whether the relationship can be fixed or not.

Just read your previous post.
You are far too young to be stuck with a partner with anger issues who can’t even be bothered to brush his teeth.
In your world, you sound very anxious and turning everything into a catastrophe. Stop worrying about your body shape after 2 kids. Stop worrying if you will ever meet anyone else. You will. You are only 23.
Stop worrying about him and his feelings - he’s a grown man.
You sound like you would benefit from some counselling. If you were my daughter and came to me this I would want you to move. Staying with someone out of fear is never a good idea.

It’s so difficult to stop thinking of these things though because I’m a chronic over-thinker. I am getting counselling and it is helpful but I just feel like it’s one thing after another. My mom hates the way he speaks to me and I think she does secretly want me to leave

There hasn’t been a specific moment I just think it’s a mix of situations that have lead me to feel this way unfortunately