Is anyone else going through a very upsetting breakup at the moment?

[dailyconniptions]

I'm missing him so much and regret calling a day on our relationship. I just don't know what to do with myself. I wish more than anything I could turn back time.

Please tell me I'm not alone. I feel it and it's just unbearable. I've made such a mistake. 😞

There is no right answer here?
MN absolutely rips to bits a man going for someone 20 years younger.
The thing is, it’s clear you couldn’t go on the way you were.
However, ages aside, what do you have in common? Interests? Hobbies? Do you make each other laugh?
Have you met his friends and family?
Does he have his own career?
It seems to me that while you say you are holding him back, it’s actually the issue of your children which is at the crux of everything.
I am sure at first they wouldn’t approve. But it’s not like an affair has broken up a marriage here. It’s clear that getting married/having kids is not a big thing for this guy.,So I don’t think you are holding him back in that way.
I did think about Juliet Mills before who married Maxwell Caulfield 46 years ago and he was just 20. They are still together. She had two children when they met.
And also about the friends I’ve lost in the last few years all around my age.,They have no more choices to make.
Life is very fleeting, isn’t it?
So I’ve changed my mind to - maybe talk to him? I know your children could be upset but if it doesn’t affect things like inheritance, maybe in time they’d just want their mum to be happy?

Well he’s older than them so that’s something! I might initially think ‘eww’ or something (as the child) but as long as my mum was happy and being treated well I wouldn’t mind to be honest.

Surely they’d just like to see you happy. If he’s that into you and you are him seems a bit sad to throw it away!

He doesn't want kids. He's very hurt and would definitely continue but he's said only if we come clean and fully disclose to my children and everyone else who has been kept in the dark. Which is absolutely understandable and fair enough.

So is the main reason you don't want to tell your children? I thought you said you'd split up with him as you wanted to 'set him free' but is it actually telling people?

The thing is, to start with, your children may not be happy. Adult children are like young children, they don't like change, they perceive these things as a threat to the family and would prefer you to be sitting at home waiting around for them to visit!

Over time, though, they may change their perspective and see a happy mum is better than an unhappy one.

I think your partner is correct, you either have a proper relationship, he doesn't want to be your dirty secret any more and he's spent years of his life investing in this.

I would not guess what your adult children would say, and I wouldn't take their first response as the end to the matter. If you are calm, and allow them to be upset/dislike it/wish things were different for a while, they will likely accept it over time and if they didn't, I would not be happy with them either, because sacrificing your life for them when they are mid-twenties adults moved away and not in your daily life is silly.

I think you need to perhaps let one of them in on what's been going on and gently introduce the idea. If they kick off, they will calm down. I've been through this and it does get better over time, especially if you make plenty of time to see them.

I’m now in the mind of speak to him and go for it.
You are breaking your own heart and his.

None of us know your kids, but I do maintain, I’d not want my mum to feel she couldn’t come to me in that situation. You might get backlash as twenties is still a young age, I know at that age I was full of feistiness. But once I simmer, I become more understanding. Pushing the age to one side, this is two consenting adults, it is both of your lives.

If you do go to talk to your children, I would talk to them separately, and be firm what your own bottom line is. Mine is that they can be upset, they can dislike the person, they can have their own views on my life, but I'm an adult, and it's fine for me to have a relationship like they do, as they are adults. I also understand their need for a mum and family time too and prioritse that whilst having a relationship. It is difficult though, as they won't be as happy as you are, that's natural.

I think this isn't a lost cause, but I don't know if that's what you want to hear! I think you've built this up into a huge thing, and have backed yourself into a corner without hearing what your children even have to say and how they may respond over time.

If your partner does not want children, then what are you setting him free for? Many men do not these days and after four years, I'd think he wasn't around just for a quick fling.

Me!
Its so so hard. Sending you big hugs.

Ive been journalling and have popped my thoughts into chatgpt which has helped a lot!
My friends have been great and have their own things to cope with, chatty g never gets fed up with me!

One thing that im focusing on in my situation is that just because you may both love each other deeply, that doesn't mean you are compatible.

Im a week in and each day has gotten a bit easier overall, as my nervous system is starting to regulate, but there are obviously times where im distraught and bereft still.

Keep on keeping on, youve got this xxx

I think it’s the right decision I’m sorry, it was always time limited, the gap is too big, I think look on it fondly, this is the hard bit, but time to make an elegant exit. You’d be 70 and him still in his forties.

There is 24 years between DP and I. He’s now in his seventies. Over the years we have weathered unpleasantly judgemental people (it shows us quickly what type of person someone is) and his daughter not talking to me. I have always said I would rather have one day with him than with anyone else - and we’ve already been blessed with years together, which couples decades younger than us sometimes don’t get. We’re lucky. I would truly be heartbroken if he got it in to his head to “set me free” - it’s patronising and almost as if you think you’re more of an adult and more capable of deciding what’s best for him than he is. How much of it was actually your fear of judgement or gossip? These people pipe down once you’re old news, they don’t actually care about you.
I can’t imagine not wanting the world to know we are a couple - I’m really happy I’m his.

Unwanted break ups are incredibly hard, I hope you gradually find peace.

I think the one that would get hurt if you continue is you.
Can you live with that? If you’ve been together for years why has this only just dawned on you both?!

Presumably he is aware that although you may be fit and healthy now, that can change dramatically and he could end up as a carer (or walk away/split at that point). Yes he could grown old alone, have years of caring for you which you may not want, he could get hit by a bus and also need care. Life is fragile, uncertain.

It sounds like you both love eachother very much and true love is so hard to come by. I don’t see the problem sorry, he’s a grown man and can make his own decisions. I think it’s the wrong decision and needs another conversation.
I’d be devastated if DM threw love away because she thought I’d judge her or be cross. Yes, I’d be shocked by an age gap for a few days- then be glad she was so happy. Fuck other people, they’ll judge you anyway OP!

Of course you’ll get comments you are old enough to be his mum (he might look older than he is and you might look younger) who cares!! They’ll get used of it at the end of the day.

Do you have kids @Heraldry? Any shared kids with your DP?

@Woofster1 yes, why?

Yes. We broke up on Monday.

about a month ago he told me he doesn’t know if he wants kids. Not something you can fix, so it took me 3 weeks to tell him I can’t do it anymore. We were just fundamentally different people.

He’s coming to collect his stuff tomorrow and I am devastated. I’ll be at work when he comes. I’ve told him I’m obsessing over stuff and I’ll be blocking him for a few months to get over it.

I said some hurtful things in the heat of the moment. I’m not proud of it but being with him was actively hurting me. It was hurting him that I was hurting. It just wasn’t a good place for either of us to be.

I feel awful for being a bit overbearing on texts last night but I had to block him. He agreed it is for the best and I said goodbye, but he didn’t say anything back before I blocked him. I’m so gutted and I miss him so much because neither of us did anything wrong. Just different people who want different things. Such a sad situation. :(

I'm so sorry to hear that but what a courageous decision. All will be well in time. How long were you together?