Restarting your life

[muststopscrolling]

I’m in my 60s. I haven’t retired yet as I cannot afford to. I have a partner, we don’t live together and that suits me fine. I’m not unhappy with him but not happy.

My adult DS has, for the past 3 years had a drug addiction. My life has been hell and I’ve distanced myself from ‘friends’. Looking back I thought they were friends but it seems only acquaintances due to their lack of support. My self esteem/worth is shot to pieces.

Apart from my DP I have very little in my life. I have a DD/SIL and 2 small GC.

I am longing for a life I see so many people have (I’m not FB naive). How do you start a new life? How do you nurture relationships when you mistrust.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say here, I guess I want ‘normal’ and I just don’t feel ‘normal’.

Left field here but some years ago I read "The Artists Way." What I took from it -- some exercises to really think about what refills your cup and gives you joy and helps you find yourself in life again. Give yourself permission to do things you like doing for you. If you can't remember what you like, think back to when you were a child. What did you like doing then? What were you interested in? Wanted to be a tap dancer? Go to a tap class. Wanted to be an astronaut? Visit the space centre in Leicester. Learn new things. Remember what used to bring you joy.

Sounds like you have had a tough time. Sending support.

It is all about balance so get some exercise, do some things that are social, do something a bit creative, eat well, have a clear out and try new things so you have some novelty in your life.

When you find this hard imagine you are helping someone else make a change and so you would insist on something being different and also celebrate little steps towards this on the way.

Can you nurture your relationships with your GC? That relationshop can bring great joy. Also re your partner what would enhance things between you and can you think of anything new you could do together?
You sound quite low OP, how old are you and could it be menopause as that can have a big impact on your wellbeing. If you could choose how would you like your life to look?

Could you afford to retire somewhere overseas? Start a new life somewhere else. A big move and maybe not for you but just an idea

The issue with your son sounds very stressful indeed but I dont understand why you say you have little in your life? You have a partner, a job, two grandchildren whom I presume you love and spend time with and you say you distanced yourself from previous friends so you had them at one point.

I suppose I am not understanding what you actually want?- if it's more friendships then they will take effort and time to develop. Ive had good friends distance themselves in the past for personal reasons (not to do with me) and unfortunately those friendships drifted permanently. it certainly wasn't because I didn't care, I did, very much but there is only so much effort you can make for friends when you are getting very little or nothing in return. Even if it's not intentional, you just get used to not having those people in your life and then it feels incredibly jarring for them to suddenly want to return after years of no or little contact. Just explaining it from the other side as it can be quite hurtful.

@DeQuinI will take a look at that book thank you.

@GOODCATThey are things I’ve considered for sure.

@SeaoftroublesI am in my 60s so way past menopause. I should definitely look at how I would want my life to be.

@redboxer321I couldn't leave my DGC so overseas retirement is out of the question, though a lovely thought.

@houseofvelvet When I wrote those words ‘little in my life’ I actually questioned whether I should state that, as it comes across as that is not enough and they are not important, so I appreciate what you say. I ‘expected’ a level of regular communication re my DS (believe me I don’t mean that regular either) but it all seemed a duty so I realised very quickly they were only acquaintances. To be fair to them they have absolutely no idea of how I feel or my experience, but I have enough empathy to put myself in others shoes and support, even morally which I have done many many times. My distancing may be (or have been) irrational but it has been due to their lack of communication. I guess I expect the same level I would give and it hasn’t been. And no, I am a far from demanding friend. I guess it’s made me feel more alone, which to be honest, is quite normal when going through the trauma I am currently experiencing. Just to say also I have not blocked or deleted, I don’t do that, so I am very contactable and at no stage has there been any ‘words’ with anyone.

What do I want though? I will have to explore fully.

Appreciate your post @houseofvelvetI had considered most of those points even when I posted.

OP, if your mood is very flat you may find some counselling helps you cope with feelings around your son and the trauma of his addiction. It sounds like it really taken its toll on you.
Don't forget too that as women we are in menopause for the rest of our lives and sometimes it can affect mood generally so don't dismiss the impact that hormonal changes can bring. It might be worth having a chat with your GP?
Re friends can you try to gently reconnect? You say they had no idea though about what you were going through so maybe you could open up to one or two of them? It's worth a try.