Relationship advice

[menmenmen]

On a relationship that isn’t one… I’ve NC as this is very outing
I met someone a decade ago, we’ve been friends a long time but he turned into a knob and we lost contact
turns out he was an alcoholic, he’s in AA now and actually not a knob now he’s sober
we’ve been hanging out together, and sleeping together. Not like a one night stand, we share takeaways, cook, watch films, chat, hold hands, cuddle etc
Sorry this is long!
he is adamant he doesn’t want a relationship, which is fine by me. I do really like him but I’m cautious after an awful breakup a couple of years ago and I’m happily single, however he does add to my life which is nice and I’m happy he’s in it

saw him the other day and it felt very different, sex was a lot more..romantic? I honestly wondered if he was going to blurt out he loved me as it felt so different. I’m happy whatever, I’m pretty chilled and not bothered about labelling stuff, he is an anxious guy who hid anxiety with booze

then after that day I get a text

you know Ill always ask... Do you want more. Because it hasn't changed with me you know that. Worries me you really do want the whole thing. Sorry 😔 Yeah. Because I'm not a one night stand guy. And I haven't don't anything like this before. Plus Im anxious that you might want more. That's why I'm being honest and transparent I guess. It's important

is he panicking over how we are? I have told him numerous times that I am happy without a relationship

To add we aren’t 16, although it feels like it sometimes. I really haven’t been in many relationships and they’ve been short, he’s had a couple of very long term ones
i am early 40s, he’s mid thirties

If he’s reasonably newly sober the advice would be to not get into a relationship for at least a year.
This sounds far more than a FWB though. In fact it sounds like a pretty standard relationship.
I can’t say what his motives are - maybe he is anxious. He may be keeping his options open.
I would go with how you feel. But I do think there seems to be an age and experience gap here. He was only mid 20s when you met.
How stable is he in general?
Does he work?
Attending AA regularly is usually a positive in these situations.
Be led by yourself, not by him.

He’s been sober 4 years. There is a gap definitely but he is more experienced in actual relationships, I’ve always been the FWB type person - for example he’s lived with women, had a shared mortgage etc, I’ve always lived alone
he works now after quite some time off (he worked regularly before it all came to a head)
attends meetings regularly and I never interfere or ask him to change times etc

He's managing your expectations.

At the time he probably was feeling romantic and connected.

In the cold light of day, he wants to shove you back in your box.

I'd advise you to not let yourself run away with the warm fuzzies.

Yeah no warm fuzzies here, I’m a cynical woman
he initiates the lovey dovey stuff like hand holding, and often wants more affection than me
I’m very much “we’ve had sex and you’re still here?”

connection wise we text/talk daily, equally initiated
I see him twice a week depending on work, sometimes once if I’m busy

Should add he is very anxious around sex, as the majority of it has been while drinking so sober sex is a huge new thing for him
he’s been drinking heavily in every relationship as well