Relationship advice

Original poster

menmenmen · 08/06/2026 17:57

To add we aren’t 16, although it feels like it sometimes. I really haven’t been in many relationships and they’ve been short, he’s had a couple of very long term ones
i am early 40s, he’s mid thirties

OP posts:

PetulaGordeno · 08/06/2026 18:25

If he’s reasonably newly sober the advice would be to not get into a relationship for at least a year.
This sounds far more than a FWB though. In fact it sounds like a pretty standard relationship.
I can’t say what his motives are - maybe he is anxious. He may be keeping his options open.
I would go with how you feel. But I do think there seems to be an age and experience gap here. He was only mid 20s when you met.
How stable is he in general?
Does he work?
Attending AA regularly is usually a positive in these situations.
Be led by yourself, not by him.

Original poster

menmenmen · 08/06/2026 18:39

PetulaGordeno · 08/06/2026 18:25

If he’s reasonably newly sober the advice would be to not get into a relationship for at least a year.
This sounds far more than a FWB though. In fact it sounds like a pretty standard relationship.
I can’t say what his motives are - maybe he is anxious. He may be keeping his options open.
I would go with how you feel. But I do think there seems to be an age and experience gap here. He was only mid 20s when you met.
How stable is he in general?
Does he work?
Attending AA regularly is usually a positive in these situations.
Be led by yourself, not by him.

He’s been sober 4 years. There is a gap definitely but he is more experienced in actual relationships, I’ve always been the FWB type person - for example he’s lived with women, had a shared mortgage etc, I’ve always lived alone
he works now after quite some time off (he worked regularly before it all came to a head)
attends meetings regularly and I never interfere or ask him to change times etc

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category12 · 08/06/2026 18:41

He's managing your expectations.

At the time he probably was feeling romantic and connected.

In the cold light of day, he wants to shove you back in your box.

I'd advise you to not let yourself run away with the warm fuzzies.

Original poster

menmenmen · 08/06/2026 18:44

category12 · 08/06/2026 18:41

He's managing your expectations.

At the time he probably was feeling romantic and connected.

In the cold light of day, he wants to shove you back in your box.

I'd advise you to not let yourself run away with the warm fuzzies.

Yeah no warm fuzzies here, I’m a cynical woman
he initiates the lovey dovey stuff like hand holding, and often wants more affection than me
I’m very much “we’ve had sex and you’re still here?”

connection wise we text/talk daily, equally initiated
I see him twice a week depending on work, sometimes once if I’m busy

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Original poster

menmenmen · 08/06/2026 18:47

Should add he is very anxious around sex, as the majority of it has been while drinking so sober sex is a huge new thing for him
he’s been drinking heavily in every relationship as well

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Awkwardisfunny · 20/07/2026 23:01

menmenmen · 08/06/2026 17:56

On a relationship that isn’t one… I’ve NC as this is very outing
I met someone a decade ago, we’ve been friends a long time but he turned into a knob and we lost contact
turns out he was an alcoholic, he’s in AA now and actually not a knob now he’s sober
we’ve been hanging out together, and sleeping together. Not like a one night stand, we share takeaways, cook, watch films, chat, hold hands, cuddle etc
Sorry this is long!
he is adamant he doesn’t want a relationship, which is fine by me. I do really like him but I’m cautious after an awful breakup a couple of years ago and I’m happily single, however he does add to my life which is nice and I’m happy he’s in it

saw him the other day and it felt very different, sex was a lot more..romantic? I honestly wondered if he was going to blurt out he loved me as it felt so different. I’m happy whatever, I’m pretty chilled and not bothered about labelling stuff, he is an anxious guy who hid anxiety with booze

then after that day I get a text

you know Ill always ask... Do you want more. Because it hasn't changed with me you know that. Worries me you really do want the whole thing. Sorry 😔 Yeah. Because I'm not a one night stand guy. And I haven't don't anything like this before. Plus Im anxious that you might want more. That's why I'm being honest and transparent I guess. It's important

is he panicking over how we are? I have told him numerous times that I am happy without a relationship

I don't understand these posts. What do you mean by 'no relationship'. You described a relationship. All I hear is: 'I wanna be free to sleep with other people'. So, you're in an open relationship. Otherwise, you're both single people who only sleep with each other, spend all your time together but don't have a relationship? Makes no sense.

The label and/or using the word, isn't what makes it a relationship, it's the actions and behaviour. Personally, I would ask for clarity on what perks he gets by not using the word 'relationship'. Ask him directly if he would have sex with someone else. Or is it that he doesn't have to meet your parents?

How does it work with family get togethers, friends' birthdays, when you need a significant other, hospital visits (touch wood)..

At what point will you become frustrated that you have someone who is only there for the fun times and not the tough ones.

It's your choice, just food for thought.

Original poster

menmenmen · 21/07/2026 07:53

Awkwardisfunny · 20/07/2026 23:01

I don't understand these posts. What do you mean by 'no relationship'. You described a relationship. All I hear is: 'I wanna be free to sleep with other people'. So, you're in an open relationship. Otherwise, you're both single people who only sleep with each other, spend all your time together but don't have a relationship? Makes no sense.

The label and/or using the word, isn't what makes it a relationship, it's the actions and behaviour. Personally, I would ask for clarity on what perks he gets by not using the word 'relationship'. Ask him directly if he would have sex with someone else. Or is it that he doesn't have to meet your parents?

How does it work with family get togethers, friends' birthdays, when you need a significant other, hospital visits (touch wood)..

At what point will you become frustrated that you have someone who is only there for the fun times and not the tough ones.

It's your choice, just food for thought.

Show quote history

no parents so that isn’t a thing
he says he doesn’t want to sleep with anyone else or be in a relationship with anyone, I have asked him directly

I had a hospital trip last year for surgery and he came over when I got home to see if I needed anything

his relationships previously have been not good, a couple abusive (her to him). I’m just taking it for what it is for now

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TepidBathwater · 21/07/2026 08:07

You’re giving what he might be thinking or feeling or wanting way too much headspace— focus entirely on what you want, whether this is still working for you, whether your ‘cynicism’ is actually self-protection. The guy is a longtime alcoholic with a history of bad relationships and was a ‘knob’ to you in the past even before you got into a relationship. Because that’s what this is, regardless of what you do or don’t call it.

Personally I agree with a pp that’s he’s playing a blinder in terms of of managing your expectations. I think you’re both getting some mileage out of the ‘this is not a relationship’ stuff, but you sound quite vulnerable and far less experienced.

Original poster

menmenmen · 21/07/2026 08:17

TepidBathwater · 21/07/2026 08:07

You’re giving what he might be thinking or feeling or wanting way too much headspace— focus entirely on what you want, whether this is still working for you, whether your ‘cynicism’ is actually self-protection. The guy is a longtime alcoholic with a history of bad relationships and was a ‘knob’ to you in the past even before you got into a relationship. Because that’s what this is, regardless of what you do or don’t call it.

Personally I agree with a pp that’s he’s playing a blinder in terms of of managing your expectations. I think you’re both getting some mileage out of the ‘this is not a relationship’ stuff, but you sound quite vulnerable and far less experienced.

I would definitely say less experienced in relationships but I’m not vulnerable in the slightest - I’ve ditched men for stuff others would have put up with and work in the area of domestic abuse so I’m possibly more.. hyper focused which is why I over think
yes, he was a knob when not sober. Constantly pestering me to come over and see him
alcohol definitely covered up his anxiety, he is very very anxious (I can tell as he has a tremor that worsens when he is)

self protection is a huge thing for me definitely, my mum was abusive and I don’t like giving away my feelings. More avoidant or disorganised attachment. I tend to shove people away if I think they might not care

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ViperHalliwell · 21/07/2026 08:21

It sounds like he wants to have or likes the idea of an FWB relationship but doesn't know how to actually have one. Part of the point is that you DON'T have to keep asking each other "do you want more?" because you've already both agreed that you don't want or at least won't pursue "more". I don't fully understand his text but it seems like he's moving the goalposts in order to accuse YOU of (possibly) moving the goal posts? It may be worth discussing it next time you see each other just to clear the air and reset things, but my guess would be that HE felt something "more" or thought he might and it either scared him or he's over-emphasising boundaries because he knows he can't and shouldn't be in a relationship now. Which is OK - he can feel feelings and not act on them, but if he's only ever had sex within serious relationships he may not have broken those associations no matter how much he wants to or thinks he should. If YOU want FWB, he may turn out to be too much work.

Original poster

menmenmen · 21/07/2026 08:48

ViperHalliwell · 21/07/2026 08:21

It sounds like he wants to have or likes the idea of an FWB relationship but doesn't know how to actually have one. Part of the point is that you DON'T have to keep asking each other "do you want more?" because you've already both agreed that you don't want or at least won't pursue "more". I don't fully understand his text but it seems like he's moving the goalposts in order to accuse YOU of (possibly) moving the goal posts? It may be worth discussing it next time you see each other just to clear the air and reset things, but my guess would be that HE felt something "more" or thought he might and it either scared him or he's over-emphasising boundaries because he knows he can't and shouldn't be in a relationship now. Which is OK - he can feel feelings and not act on them, but if he's only ever had sex within serious relationships he may not have broken those associations no matter how much he wants to or thinks he should. If YOU want FWB, he may turn out to be too much work.

Yes he’s never done one night stands or FWB
i have told him I don’t want to marry him, I don’t want to live with him and that does seem to have reassured him
i know he’s anxious and he needs the reassurance but I get frustrated when he keeps asking if I want more

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