Partner masturbating beside me on a work trip has left me hurt

[Florence009]

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my partner for 14 months. We’re in our 50s. I see him at weekends as he lives 100 miles away. There’s something I can’t get out of my mind. We went on a work event recently that spanned 2 days and was mostly leisure and one team meeting on the last day. He showed me no sexual attention when we were together but the thing that hurt me was that he woke me up masturbating in bed on the last day. I’m not naive enough to think he doesn’t masturbate but I feel rejected and I think it’s around the context around this happening – that we were away and that would be the only time I see him in 2 weeks. I did confront him when I was up and dressed and he blamed it on being lazy. He has erectile dysfunction so I wondered if this made a difference. We still enjoy intimacy despite this. How can I work through my negative thoughts and feelings of rejection?

Hi OP,

what was he masturbating to? Depending on whether it was porn, pictures of you or him using his imagination my thought process would be different on all 3.

However, having had ED myself, I can tell you without hesitation that sometimes I found sorting myself out was easier both mentally and physically than sex/intimacy for fear of disappoint for both parties and feeling like a let down.

It really depends on how active/good your sex life is with his ED, and whether or not you are both satisfied.

How do you react if/when he can’t get a proper erection for PIV?

I think a lot of women under estimate the mental impact ED has on a man, certainly for me, as a man in my early 30’s it was soul destroying and I was in a very dark place.

Is he doing anything about his ED? Has he seen a urologist, does he use PDE5’s like Viagra or cialis?

It’s very unlikely that it is him rejecting you, more likely embarrassment on his part , if he does it again even though you have told him how it makes you feel then that’s a whole new issue.

You can work through your negative feelings of rejection by deciding if this is something you are willing to tolerate in your relationship or if you think a relationship that leaves you feeling rejected and humiliated is not worth your investment and ending it.

I think I'd feel the same as you OP. I'd be humiliated I think if i found my partner wanking right next to me. It's just rude.

Whilst I do accept the first posters comment - that for men with ED it can be easier and I imagine a relief to masturbate themselves. However he can quite easily have done that privately in the bathroom and you would of been blissfully unaware.

I think the fact he did it while lying next to you in bed is potentially emotionally coercive.

You need to decide if you're willing to accept this behaviour. personally (and I'm sure many others) wouldn't.

Could it be fear of failure making him hesitant to initiate intimacy? He may have felt that the situation, going away on a trip, meant that you would be expecting a romantic interlude and the pressure of performance felt too much for him.

Having said that, masturbating in the bed beside you wasn't exactly tactful! He could have gone to the bathroom to sort himself out or just waited until he was alone! I understand how it could feel like a rejection, even if it wasn't meant that way.

Time for a proper discussion with him about your expectations/needs/wants going forward in the relationship if he wants it to continue.

I don't know what he was masturbating to as I was asleep and he appeared to stop when I woke up. I've never bothered or reacted when he didn't get an erection as penetration can be a problem to me. He's very reluctant to seek help for the ED.

Why is your immediate thought to work through your feelings/sense of rejection as if it's a you problem, rather than reconsider the relationship?

Maybe he's a wonderful man, but if it's long-distance and you see each other infrequently, but he'd rather have a wank when you are together - aren't those feelings of rejection perfectly valid? It seems disrespectful to wank beside you.

If he's not prepared to seek help with his ED as well, it just seems like you're having to settle a lot.