Living together after divorce - ex texting dates

[MrsSuu]

Need virtual hugs and advice please.
My divorce has just finalised this week. We are still living in the same house while the sale is completing. My issue is my ex (who isn’t currently working) is at home all day actively messaging other women and openly in front of me when I’m home. He is going on dates, coming back sad if there isn’t a ‘spark’ whilst I’m working full time, cooking for the family (including him) and cleaning.

I genuinely want him to move on and be happy because he is nothing more than a friend now, however I just feel it’s a little disrespected after a 20 year marriage and surely just waiting until completion in July isn’t that long? I think I’m resentful that he isn’t considering my feeling and just seems hell bend on replacing me as soon as possible. It feels like a huge kick in the teeth as I now feel I could have been anyone and was instantly replaceable. I sadly can’t move out until the sale is complete as I don’t have family near by so stuck in this horrible situation currently.

This is how he wants you to feel, I would play him at his own game. Tell him he's looking after the kids a certain night next week, get yourself all dolled up , kiss the kids goodnight and even if you have to go sit in Costa til they shut then go read a book in the car til an acceptable time to go home then go back, looking all happy and give him a taste of his own medicine.
🤣

What the previous poster said. I would also not be doing any cooking or other jobs for him.

What they said.
Plus he can take on most of the cleaning, childcare & cooking if he isn't working.
He's massively taking the piss.

Thank you for your feedback, I’ve tried to speak to him this morning and he cannot see the problem. I just want to navigate the next month calmly, am I wishing for too much?

I mean he obviously knows your a pushover if you are cooking and cleaning for him.

What an arse. The reality is that he isn’t about to start considering your feelings sadly, so you can only change your reaction to it.

I would feel sorry for him - he is panicking that he will be on his own as he realises he needs a woman to help him survive and maybe look after his kids. Sad.

He will be worrying who will be cooking and cleaning for him from July onwards

“cooking for the family (including him) and cleaning”

Why? You’re now housemates, so he can go out with other women if he chooses, and you are equally free to go out with other men. You are not, however, his unpaid housekeeper, so stop acting like one. Do you have DC? If so, he should be responsible for them as he will be when you live separately, If not, then you have even less reason to cook and clean up after him - I’d be going out rather a lot, even if finances mean it’s actually a sandwich from M and S and a cup of coffee for dinner. You’re not his servant and you’re no longer his wife - you’re letting him have everything on his terms at the moment, including shoving other women under your nose. You need to withdraw and stop with the housekeeping - and maybe sign up on a dating site (preferably when he can see) and start chatting to a few new men online, even if you have no intention of taking things further. Don’t let yourself be ground down by him.

What is your agreement re: childcare for after the house sale has completed?

if it’s 50/50 than I would definitely be looking to ‘enforce’ that now… to at least give you nights off and opportunity to go out.

Stop pandering to him OP. Of course he will take advantage of you if you let him! As he's not working l would expect him to look after himself and also take on more than his equal share re cooking and cleaning. Certainly don't cook for him.
I would also tell him to do his online dating in private as its just not appropriate for you to see and hear what he's up to and shows compete disrespect towards you and your family.

This. He’s literally just looking for a ‘do for’. Be happy it’s no longer you and sad for those women.

Stop letting him get away with being an ass op

tell him
ypur only cooking and cleaning and sorting the kids out now until
he leaves.

don’t show any emotion towards him at all

hes just a lodger that’s you won’t have to live with soon

i would be going out a lot in the evenings and not telling him where seeing as you owe him nothing

play him at his own game mow

Just ignore him. Stop cooking for him too!

if he comes in saying “no spark” - just reply “I’m not interested”

I posted something similar to this a few years ago, it just felt odd and disrespectful to me. Mumsnetters told me quite firmly it was none of my business anymore, what he did had nothing to do with me, he was a free agent etc. I think the difference here is that you're still looking after him so that's where these responses are focused. I completely understand how you feel, it is not nice!

Very disrespectful OP. I would suggest politely that his dating is his business and should be discrete and you don’t want to hear about it. As mentioned above stop all wife work now.
Also insists he be at home to have the kids so you can go out.

Thank you for your kind feedback x

At least you'll be shot of him soon. What a loser!

This

Men nearly always move on to another partner quicker than women. They just can't manage to stand on their own two feet.
Even the so called "family men" will move on in a heartbeat. Don't waste your time on him, it's behind you now. Don't engage, put headphones in if need be for the next month and ignore him. Tell him sharing meals is no longer appropriate and you will just be cooking for you and the kids now. If he wants a meal with the kids he can cook it.
If he keeps going on about dates, just firmly say "I'm really not interested". I do understand you want to make it as smooth as possible for the rest of the family but you need to put boundaries in place 💐

I agree. Treat him as an older lodger. Polite conversation and chit chat about the necfesaties- bills, milk running out etc. And the kids if needed. Other than that a serene smile plastered on your face and minimal interaction.

Stop doing his washing. Do not cook for him unless he’s explicitly said he’s joining you for dinner and is contributing to the making of it or the preparation in some way. Same as you would your lodger.

Next time he tells you about his date tell him that no decent woman will want to date a man who lives with his wife. That'll shut him up.

Thank you all for your kind messages, I’m so pleased I posted here. I’ve honestly felt like I’m going nuts. I have no family close by so have no space away from him which is made harder as he is always in the house.

Stop being his mum. You don't have to do his catering and washing. I remember my first husband walking through the kitchen trying to read a washing powder box saying how do you work this thing? Why would he want to move on? Talk to him and inform him that normal service had stopped and is not going to be resumed. Ever.