He admitted cheating on an ex, should I be wary now?

[Caranicat]

I’m in a relatively fresh relationship (5 months), and things are going really well and I feel really happy.
There haven’t been any issues but he mentioned something which made me wonder now, and I think it’s mainly because I can’t understand why he told me.

He said that he did cheat on an ex and that he had admittedly been a dick back then (late 20s). I did ask some more questions and he said that the person he had cheated with is his now ex wife. He said it was the only time he had cheated on someone.

On the one hand I appreciate the honesty but I’m also wondering (maybe unfairly) why he disclosed it because it would seem unlikely that I would ever have found out about it. I admit that I’m probably a bit paranoid at times because I got betrayed in the past and I’m worried about getting hurt again, and he might have just been trying to be honest.

I just feel a bit uneasy now but I know that I’m also a bit prone to overthinking, but I am wondering how much trust to give to someone who cheated before.

I wouldn’t be - people say once a cheater always a cheater, but I think once they’ve cheated in one relationship they will do again in the same relationship. But not necessarily in a different relationship. Every relationship is different, and people grow/mature.

Of course if he’s still in touch with his ex wife then yes be wary!

Thank you!
They are still in touch but I’m not worried about that. I just wondered if I was being naive but totally accept that I am sometimes unreasonable.

Well your gut may be telling you something here. He may be telling you so that if he cheats he can turn round and say “well, you knew what I was like”.

Could that be the feeling you have?

I would ask him

1. What led to those choices and what work have you done to ensure that this would never happen again in future?
2. What would you do differently now, looking back?
3. If you ever feel like you want to cheat on me, what should you do?

You need to see if he has grown, if he can take accountability for his choices back then etc…

Oh and ask him also

1. What were the consequences of your actions ( use the word YOUR and see how he takes the fact that it was purely his choice to cheat).

and listen to see if he talks about only the implications for him and his life. Or if he actually mentions the hurt he caused the other person. Listen to see if it’s all me me me.

How old is he now?

It is possible for people to change but I understand being wary. You’d expect someone to have their morals together by their late twenties.

How did he speak about cheating? Was he remorseful or was it just casually mentioned? I once cheated when i was around 20 and i felt awful. It made me never want to be that person again.

He’s telling you before someone else does 🚩

I think he obviously wasn’t happy in that relationship by the sounds of it, there are serial cheaters and people that cheat because they’re not happy and are more attracted to the person they meet.

How is the later any better?

If anything that’s worse. It shows they’re a loser who instead of taking control of their own life, and ending a relationship that doesn’t work for them, think it’s ok to shag other people and cheat just because they aren’t happy with what they have.

At least serial cheats are technically just being true to their natures.

Jim the serial shagger is a hound and chances are, everyone knows it. They like sex. And monogamy isn’t their vibe. They’re a dick (the community dick, infact) but you’ll probably know it.

But cheating because you “aren’t happy” shows a lack of character. A wet blanket who can’t end what they should. Probably a coward. Or a leach who stays sucking the life out of you until they can find “something better”.

How long was single after his marriage ended? Why did that end?
Id be wary he's the kind of person who needs another relationship to leave the one he's in.

I don’t think it’s a deal breaker but you know to be wary if needs be. He was young and it was foolish but ultimately he went on the marry that person, however if he said he went on to cheat on ex wife as well then I think it would be sensible to get out of it now.

RAN! Cut the loss!

Indeed!

As you say he didn't have to tell you but he has chosen too.

I'd ask more questions but I'd take it as a sign he was getting serious about you (green flag). Everyone has stuff that they are less proud of and he did marry the person he was unfaithful with.

Every relationship is different and whilst there are serial cheaters out there, there are also people that do it once in an unhappy relationship and call themselves out on it. Which he has.

But ask more questions as this will make you more or less comfortable about it.

People change over time, I am a totally different person in my 50s as I was in mid 20s. What I would do then v no can be quite different.

Also, people make mistakes in all sorts of things from driving, work or relationships. There are mistakes I made in a relationship some 30 years ago that I have never repeated, I learnt from them and moved on.