How to manage over-excited in-laws living opposite when baby arrives

[ProudPearlUser]

We’re currently living opposite my ILS & I’m pregnant with first child (only 7 weeks & haven’t told them yet). However, we are looking to move before the baby arrives to a different area nearer my parents (we aren’t moving because of ILs but where we live is in the middle of nowhere & I hate the remoteness).

There is the possibility that we won’t be able to get moved in time and we’ll have to stay living opposite ILs when the baby arrives. They are lovely people but completely obsessed with grandchildren. They would constantly ask me when we were having grandchildren for them and say other stuff like ‘ I can’t wait to have a little baby to take for walks etc’. Part of me thinks that they’ll be really supportive but at the same time, I think they’ll just be completely overbearing. Also, I know that I’ll want my mum to come & help during first few weeks as she was a midwife but I probably won’t want my ILs around much but will let them meet the baby.

I worry about my ILs feeling left out and they’ll know that my mum is with us as their house overlooks us. MIL has already mentioned that she’s jealous of her other DILs mother that sees her other grandchild much more often than she does.

I feel like I’m overthinking the whole thing but does anyone have any advice for how to navigate this situation & potentially have to live opposite ILs while having a baby?

Your DH needs to manage their expectations so be clear with him and make sure he’s on your side.

You may find however that you are grateful for the help once baby arrives.

I'd just get your DH to tell them what you need from them when baby arrives. For example, you'd like a few days to yourselves while you find your feet when baby first arrives but will invite them over as soon as you're ready. You do not want them to turn up unannounced or let themselves in as you could be nap trapped, sleeping and establishing feeding. You'll have lots of visitors wanting to come and meet the baby so they won't be able to come over every day but you'll obviously be happy to have them over some days. Also, let them know that's how you're feeling currently but obviously if anything changes or you want their support you will let them know (you may want them to watch the baby so you can sleep or shower or help with laundry).

My MIL wasn't impressed but my own parents didn't mind at all. I thought we wanted a week to ourselves to get settled but ended up inviting people over before the week was up as I wanted help and company.

It's quite normal for a new mother to have her mum stay and look after her postpartum. And it's lovely that your mum is coming to stay. But kindly, your DH will probably want his parents to spend time and get to know the baby too. Speak to him and get him to manage their expectations but don't shut them out - they are going to be the baby's grandparents and it's natural that your DH will want them to have a close relationship with his child.

It's ok to tell them you'd like them to pop over for an hour but then go home so you and baby can rest. It's ok to tell them you're not up to a visit that day if you don't feel like it. But it's also good if you can let them take baby for a walk in the pram so you can grab a nap, or ask them to make the odd meal for you etc.

Totally understand but why did you move so close to your in laws?

Make sure you've spoken to your husband first in that you're a team, so you'll be checking with each other about any visitors plans, including relatives. I'd also not just set up a dynamic whereas they are always asking to come over, but you make sure to invite them for a weekly visit. I'm sure they'll ask if you need anything, so your husband can tell them, "It'd be great if you could prepare an evening meal and bring it over on Thursday that we can all share together."

Also, ask your MIL what worked for her as a mother when her child/children had stomach aches, or how she got them to get on a good sleep plan. Even if you don't agree with or take the advice, just act as though you're happy to receive it. It will make her feel needed, since your mother will be the one around more at the beginning. It might stave off some jealousy. Make a big to-do of saying you want your husband to take photos of the in-laws with the baby. Perhaps quality can override quantity, so they'll be satisfied with fewer visits but do feel welcome and included on those visits.

Congrats on the upcoming new arrival.

Really regret this now, it made sense at the time (bigger house within budget near to DH work) did had doubts about moving opposite ILs, just wish I had listened to my gut. Also didn’t realise how obsessed they were with grandchildren at this point.

We were perfectly happy for both sets of parents t have equal visiting and helping there both as important. Just because my mum is close doesn't mean I would shut out the other and that was my dhs

You’ve had some good advice here, whether you move house or not. You and your husband need to be agreed on what your game plan is. And your ILs need to have a managed level of involvement. Understand you don’t want to be overwhelmed by them, but also it’s not unreasonable for them to want to be involved. Make sure they have a reasonable level of access and then you can always push back when they get overly demanding. But make sure you keep things fair.

Take control..
They will not over rule your routine.
Plan to have some rooms private for feeding etc and other rooms where parents can make a cup of tea or fold laundry etc.

Your midwife mother will be a practical help.
Your inlaws won't feel jealous if they are helping in other ways.
Just don't ignore them.

You will wecome them wheeling an unsettled baby around the block while you sleep. You will welcome being able to nip down to buy milk while your baby is asleep and minded by MIL.

Your dread seems illogical.
Always be in charge of baby and be kind.

Your inlaws will learn their place quickly.

“Your inlaws will learn their place quickly.”

Wow. 😕

Congratulations op. Hope if it’s a boy you remember how your in-laws felt when they had a son.

Big sign on the door saying “don’t knock, mum and baby asleep”.

Oh , so nice of you that you will let them meet the baby .