Now this is completely off topic to anything parenting, but here I go.
when I was 16-19, I was very promiscuous. Like very very promiscuous, I don’t know why, I think now being the age of 29 I feel like I deffo was having some sort of manic episodes as it all started at the age of 16, I lost my friendship group after I left school, I fell into a bit of depression I used to spend a lot of time alone just smoking weed. I used to meet different boys from social media, my intention was never to have sexual relations with them but when you’re 16/17, you don’t really see the clearer picture. Well i definitely didn’t. The more it happened the more i got used to it. I just want to add majority of them well older guys, 21+ some even late 20s the age I am now possibly a little bit older. Moving forward, I was approached by a guy who was 25 at the time when I was 17 in the street, we started talking I started sexual relations with him in the next week or so but I used to see him maybe once a week. One night he turned on and he wasn’t nice anymore, he declared he lost thousands gambling he took it out on me and demanded I had to help him make it back. I remember we was in a hotel and he threw one of the mugs at me and it hit me and I was quite scared. After that, he basically exploited me, I think it was around 10 different guys I gave oral sex to for money and him and his friend just kept the money for themselves. I again have no idea why I didn’t just walk away, as I really didn’t want to do it but I felt like I had to? Anyway, moving forward I remember one day I was with him and I didn’t want to do anything sexual with him and he raped and basically forced me to even though I kept telling him no and after that my mental health declined even more because got even more promiscuous, I felt like anyone who I was with who wanted to have sex felt like I couldn’t say no. I finally one day just decided to never meet him again and I get so angry at myself now because it was so easy never seeing him again, it’s like I was scared for nothing. Moving forward just a few months before my 18th. I met another boy who promised me he can help me make money, again stupid I know I went to meet him and turns out it was just a drugs house where he was selling from and he got me there just to help out without getting paid and again everytime he and even one of his friends asked I felt very pressured to give them oral sex. I don’t know what was wrong with me. You get the point now I wasn’t right in the head and even now the thought is sickening to me. Eventually after a while I stopped seeing them, and through 2015 nothing ever really crazy happened to me I was semi normal, I was just going out partying etc still a little promiscuous but I got a normal job etc and I was fine even went back to college that September and met a good bunch of girls and became normal the rest of the year I was again a little promiscuous but not a lot. 2016, I was again a little promiscuous not a lot.
but by June 2016, I met someone who I spent the last 9 years with I never went with anyone else. I think the whole point of why I’m writing this is, I feel so shameful now about what happened to me or even what I did. I don’t if I did the rest of it out of trauma I have no idea. Lately that’s all I can think of as it’s so far from the person I am now. As a 29yo now I actually look at 17/18 like children I cannot believe all those things happened.
anyway moving forward, the person who I was with for 9 years, we had a child he’s now 7, honestly since the age of 19 I haven’t done anything even like that ever. I just feel some ashamed and sick to my stomach thinking f it all I actually feel traumatised. Moving on, last year the father of my child actually passed away, we wasn’t together for a little bit before his passing, however since then I have met someone else and completely fell in love with him. But I somewhat can’t help but feel like I’m lying about the person who I am? If that makes sense. Even though all those things happened when I was still basically a child? I don’t know.
am I thinking too deep and hard into the situation? Should I just let it go??
this all started back in 2013/2014 btw, so it’s been like 12/13 years.