Constant self-praise from relative

[WhyArePeopleAnnoying]

Whenever I see a particular relative, she seems to have some kind of story or anecdote that she'll use to say how great/skilled/talented she is in some way. She is a high achiever, it's not like she's lying about things. I usually just nod along but it can get a bit draining. Anyone been in a similar boat or got any tips on how to handle it?

If she's doing well, that's nice. Better than stories of doom & gloom. Let her get it off her chest and then change the subject.

Tell her your news or talk about your dcs' latest.

I’d buy a sheet of stickers and start handing them out to her every time she does it.

Ha I guess so. Maybe the problem is there's not much balance - everything is all roses all the time. It's a bit surface level/superficial maybe? Or even if it's something negative like work stresses for example she would use this as an opportunity to show how good she was at handling it. Also she can be quite judgemental of others.

Haha not sure I have the nerve! Maybe I can mentally imagine it though!

Why is it draining?

Is she an interviewer in the civil service and expecting every personal anecdote to be framed in STAR?? 😅

Is it part of a conversation, or just she just launch into how great she is?

Oh god - boring! How often do you see her?

Just be over flattering in return - ‘ oh my gosh, you are just so amazing, and I just love how confident you are to keep sharing with me’
After a while she will get the hint…

Alcohol

I have a friend who does this. But shes not a high achiever, her life is a bit chaotic really. So I put it down to low self esteem and try to feel sorry for her rather than be annoyed. Its hard though as she talks about herself all the time!

I had a close relative like that and it’s pretty awful, conversation becomes a draining non-event and I reached the point where I just wouldn’t see them with anyone else there. I could see at the time that it was due to appallingly low self esteem and abandonment fears but tbh not really fixable, or at least I had no idea how. No advice as basically our relationship became non functioning and I haven’t grieved them.

I suppose if you were very brave you could tackle it, but if it’s very deep seated I don’t see it changing, or if you’re kinder than me just endure it and change the subject.

Do they get recognition and praise elsewhere? I had to start talking myself up because I live in a household where I am the only encourager. So I started encouraging myself. Oh this dinner worked really well! I like the dill in the coleslaw, I must remember that for next time!

Make the right noises and move on. I’ve a family member who’s retired and she’s surprised when she asks me about life and mine revolves around limited subjects, much of which is work. I try now to just same ‘same old same old’ when I’m asked because I know I’m boring her. But I don’t have much more to talk about (and she doesn’t know what I do at work anyway so there’s no point telling her).

Keep convos minimal and positive, and keep contact minimal.

Haha sometimes it can seem like that!

She is a talker, she seems to subtly lead the conversation that way.

She is a close relative so fairly often. Maybe I should do as others suggest and try to lower contact.

Yeah I would say she does get recognition and praise. And definitely brings it up when she does!

I hope talking yourself up helps the others in the household appreciate you. I think saying you'll need to remember a particular thing because it worked is a good way to mark your achievement without being arrogant. My relative would probably say she was just so naturally talented at picking coleslaw ingredients, everyone always loves her coleslaw so much, she would make the next coleslaw etc.... irritating but difficult to handle without coming across as churlish!

I would give this relative a wide berth. This person is basically saying enough about you, let’s talk about me and how wonderful I am. Such people are self obsessed narcissistic bores.

Is she interested in you and your life/achievements or does she always ensure that the conversations comes back to her and her triumphs?

If she's does take an interest in you and what you've been doing, I'd cut her some slack, but if it's always just about her, I'd start giving her a pretty wide berth and seeing her much less often.

I think if I was doing this I would want someone close to tell me. So I would ask, Gemma - do you want me to point out something you do when talking which you might not be aware of? If she says yes, tell her, as gently as you can and from the point of view of assuming she's just doing it by mistake rather than because she is full of it! I think that although this approach is tough, it's ultimately kinder than just seeing her less because she annoys you but not giving her a chance to fix it. She will never realise why all her friends and family are avoiding her.

I would prefer someone told me if I was doing this, because I would want to fix it and retain their friendship. I'd hope most people would! If she is the type of person who would prefer not to know how self obsessed she is, then at least you can step back without any guilt!