Uneasy about my husband's female friends when our lives are so separate

[wotsistpopsit]

I'm married and the 24/7 carer for a disabled child. Child is currently unable to have anyone apart from me looking after them, is unable to tolerate any activities involving non-family members and is unable to cope with anyone visiting our house. This means I get no in-person social opportunities apart from seeing family.

For various reasons including my caring responsibilities, I have lost all my friends, though I have an online support group and a couple of friends I've reconnected with remotely.

DH is very sociable and has lots of friends, both men and women, from every stage of life, plus work and others he knows from hobbies. Quite a few of these are people I've never met. I guess I feel a bit uncomfortable about friendships with women I've never even met. We have literally zero friends in common and apart from family, no-one who knows both of us, apart from people I've had no contact with for several years.

Is there anything I can do in this situation? Getting someone else to look after my child is absolutely not an option at the moment unfortunately.

Not sure what you are asking DH to do?

Why is your DH not sharing the caring responsibilities? He's not working 24/7? Any care outside of working hours should be split surely?

Your husband needs to step up and build a relationship with his child for a start. What if you dropped dead or became ill tomorrow. One sole carer is unrealistic for you OP, you need to cut the apron strings and let your husband parent your child. Then you build a bit of a life for yourself.

Hey OP 👋.
How come only you alone can look after your child , what I mean is how come your husband can’t help , evenings , weekends whatever?.
You need to have a life too outside of your home as your husband is doing .

Dh needs to be giving you an opportunity to get out of the house and meeting people.

Why is it only your world that's been shrunk to the home and your child?

You need to have time out of the house, and he's a parent too.

Is your DH the father of the child? If so, he needs to step up so the child is equally as comfortable around him as they are with you

I'm not wanting him to do anything. I'm wondering if there's anything I can do.

Yes, DH is the father. It's complicated but the child's condition is one where it's very common not to be able to be cared for by anyone except the primary caregiving parent. It's sadly quite common for parents to end up in my situation. Child needs intense coregulation from an adult they feel very emotionally safe with, and who is really attuned to variations in the child's demeanour and body language. DH can't do this for a number of reasons including historically not being very involved in parenting (yes, absolutely a DH problem) and being autistic so he can't properly read the child's body language.

To be fair to him, he has been working on improving his relationship with the child, but knowing their two personalities, there is probably no amount of effort he could make which would result in child being willing to be looked after by him. We also have another high needs disabled child who's more flexible, so DH does things with them while I care for the one who's less flexible. We used to have some people the less flexible child could cope with, but relational breakdown means they're no longer an option.

I can't advise on your husband's friendships, but I really empathise with your circumstances.

What would happen if you became ill or otherwise incapacitated for a while? Would your child just suffer because his dad has rendered himself incompetent?
I hope this work he's doing to improve is being done most urgently.

So your husband needs to chop the time he’s spending enjoying himself forging deep friendships and drill that into forging a relationship with his child. You are (kindly but bluntly) being a doormat accepting this OP, I know in the thick of it, it probably feels like you’ve no choice but that’s not the case. Your husband has chosen to be a parent and needs to learn how to be one to both children, autism or not, this is weaponised incompetence. It’s not an excuse. You also no doubt feel fierce loyalty to provide the highest quality care for your child but you’re doing them no favours making them so reliant on only you, it will be distressing when it’s not you. They need to be very well cared for, they don’t need to be cared for to their exact specific preferences 24/7. It’s not realistic and you’ll burn out eventually. Sounds like it’s starting now.

I’ve been there with an autistic husband, looking back I gave him WAY too many allowances to my detriment. Funnily enough now we’re separated he manages fine.

OP You must see that what others have advised is the only way forward. You cannot be the only designated carer for your child as at any time circumstances could disrupt that.
You owe it to yourself to have some time away from the home and you urgently need to get your husband involved more so that he is just as able as you to interact and care for your child. In case of an emergency if nothing else!
At the very least you need to swap caring roles so you spend time with your other child. This sounds utterly suffocating and your mental health will suffer if you don't make some changes.

That’s very worrying if not even the child’s own father can care for them. What would happen if you were unwell in hospital or if you died suddenly? Whilst we hope nothing like that happens, as parents we have a responsibility to make sure our children feel safe with other trusted adults.

I’d be heartbroken if I wasn’t allowed to spend time alone with my own child. How is your husband feeling about it? He needs to develop that bond as a father.

The current situation isn’t healthy for your child, you, your husband, or your marriage.

He doesn't really like parenting and is counting the days till the DC leave home so he is happy not to spend a lot of time with this child (though he finds him easier than the other child who he spends a lot more time with).

If I were unwell or we had an emergency, the disabled child would cope because it was an emergency, but at the expense of their longer term mental health. They wouldn't be able to do the same in a non-emergency situation. I know it sounds nuts to say there's no way to help them accept care from others, but sadly this is a super common part of their disability. I have years of interacting with others with similar hidden and the same problem comes up over and over again, without any easy solutions. It's because some of the care needed is physical, but a lot of what they need is emotional support. It used to be easier because he used to manage without me as long as his sibling was there with him, but they're not so close now and wind each other up more than helping each other emotionally.

He doesn't really like parenting and is counting the days till the DC leave home

How will that be possible?

If you child is disabled enough that no one apart from you can look after them, will they ever be able to leave home?

Sad situation. Looks like you get fulfilment being a 24/7 carer and giving your whole life over to your child and he gets fulfilment from friendships, hobbies and social situations. Not sure what you have in common tbh

I have no idea whether the child will be able to leave home when they are older. The disability is one where the symptoms usually abate to some degree when they reach adulthood, but it doesn't go away. I think they are likely always to need some degree of supported living. My instinct would be for that to be done by us, but DH would prefer to farm out the job to the state.

Things do generally get easier once the child is able to be left alone for periods, though we're a fair way off that yet.

I don't think this is sustainable for you (or your marriage).

I don't think it's healthy for your child either. It may be their preference, but there needs to be progress for them and you. What good will all this do them if your marriage falls apart or you crack up?

Respite for your mental health and wellbeing is an emergency. You need to have something outside of caring for them.

I agree, this is an emergency OP. You need respite for your mental health and your wellbeing. If you break down what then? How can you sustain a normal life if you are tied to the house 24/7? At the very least you need help and advice so that your child can be left for short periods with your husband or a carer they trust. They are ruling your life otherwise which is not good for either of you.
How old are your children and what has the younger been diagnosed with that they can only accept you as their carer?