Is it reasonable to expect phone transparency after an emotional affair?

[WonderingWhyThisTime]

Husband had an emotional affair with a work colleague for ~9 months. He is adamant that it was emotional only and I have seen all the (many, many) messages between them and there is no hint that it was more than emotional. She (mostly) initiated it.

It fell apart spectacularly when he told her he wanted to stay married to me, she decided she'd had enough and got (properly) involved with another man who left his wife for her. She has a history of being obsessed with people / projects, then getting bored, dumping them and never returning. There is no danger of the relationship with my DH continuing as they fell out so acrimoniously (think sueing each other). DH changed employer as soon as the relationship fell apart.

Over the course of 1-1.5 years while this was happening, DH was telling his mother lots of inappropriate details about our marriage and family life, including by messaging on his phone. I've read the messages. She spent this time urging him to leave me (he didn't, but he also didn't draw any real boundaries with his DM about talking to him about it). After me getting quite upset about this, he tells me he no longer tells them details about our relationship and I believe him.

DH and I are still together and working through the issues involved. Is it reasonable for me to expect that he would give me access to his phone in the interests of transparency and honesty?

If he decides to have another affair, surely he will just get a second phone?

??
emotional affair does not = loyal

I think the thing that would bother me about all this is that is he not on your side. You should be a team, a partnership, you and him against the world sort of thing but he doesn't seem to have any loyalty to you and is happy to forge allegiances with others to the detriment of your relationship. You should be his main priority and you're not and checking his phone is not going to change that.

Sorry why would you want to be with this man? He had a 9-month emotional affair with a colleague and spent 1.5 years badmouthing you to his family. Also OP, it is not relevant in the slightest who “initiated” the affair. All that matters is that your husband, who made vows to be faithful to you, was a willing and active participant in that affair.

I can’t for the life of me understand how there’s anything to salvage here. Why would you want to continue a relationship with a man who has so little respect for you and your marriage?

i could see why you would want to do this but in honesty how you gonna learn to trust him if you keep having to check - he needs some privacy as do you and I don’t see how tormenting yourself is going to help you . I don’t agree with the emotional affair and that just have hurt you, but I can see how it’s happening - he needs something from you which he isn’t getting - yes it was wrong for him to look other places - however people make mistakes and sounds like you need to decide if your prepared to work with him and move past it , couppe counselling can be really good for things like this and understanding yourself , hope you both sort it together and get through it if that’s what you both want 🫶🏻

I completely disagree that an affair means that there is something the partner is not giving the person cheating. Or rather - it is usually something the partner can’t give, such as being shiny and new and outside the daily grind.

But i don’t think checking his phone is the way to go. The problem is bigger than this affair. He doesn’t have your back with regard to his parents and has thrown you under the bus with them. I second the suggestion of counselling to see if there’s a way of getting back on track.

Then you say no I trust you and don’t look. If he can’t trust himself then he shouldn’t be messaging anyone. What sort of man needs his girlfriend to check his messages to keep him in line?

TBH I'm not sure why you want to stay married to him. He is deceitful and disloyal and his mum is a toxic nightmare. He should be defending you to his mother but obvously isn't.

You obviously have children if your MIL's problem with you is about a parenting decision you made. What is your DH like as a dad?

Other posters think that you are being unreasonable to expect phone transparency. He has betrayed your trust and, if he wants your marriage to work, he needs to take positive action to re-gain your trust. He doesn't sound willing to do this so I think that you should make plans to end the marriage.

This is so toxic for both of you. You come across as someone who is in a position of power and dominant. Is he younger/ depends on you financially? What are you getting out of this relationship?

YES. as a retired couple therapist total transparency is part of the healing process after an affair.

it helps to begin building trust again.

He sounds like he's still moaning that relationship OP. He felt ego injured and he's likely to be missing her. That's why he's been behaving like the guys in 'the script', telling others about their spouse etc, magnifying any of your issues.

we both have access to each others phone,but in a, I’ve left mine at home can I use yours ….kind of way. We know each other’s passwords as one will have said t9 the other, can you just look up x on the nearest phone.

would I routinely scroll his messages or show him my messages, no, it would be so dull!

I think you either trust him or you don’t.

You’ve seen every single message so you already have access? Or has he changed his password?

If you need to see his phone for peace of mind, I think the trust has gone and would question whether it’s reparable.

If he really wants to message someone he could get a 2nd phone.

What a shit show! You need to separate.

Letting OP look at his phone is not the same as "transparency" though.

He would just get another phone or delete messages that he didn't want her to see. Or have them via a medium that didn't involve the messages being saved e.g. OP can look at his phone to see what messages he's sent his mum, but she won't know what he's said to his mum in a verbal conversation unless she insists on recording all conversations as well. Where does it end?

If he wants to hide stuff he will hide stuff. OP needs to trust him and, if she can't then she needs to decide whether she's still prepared to have a relationship.

I just think it will be a constant cycle! If the trust is broken and you can’t get over it, would it not be easier to seperate? The toxicity that can arise from this cycle will be intense and will not necessary be helpful to either of you

Where does that end? Does she follow him whenever he goes to his mothers to make sure he isn’t saying something? Does she go with him to the pub to make sure he isn’t talking to women? Transparency is one thing but how does that build trust? Does she have access for the rest of his life or just 6 months? What happens when that period is up?

This is how you deal with a misbehaving child, not an adult. If you can’t find a way to build trust without acting like a prison warden, the relationship is doomed.

I think I'd try couples counselling, OP, if you haven't already. Emotional affairs are awful and you have my sympathy.

If you can’t trust him and need access to his phone then what’s the point in being with him? Life’s too short for this type of misery and you both sound unhappy.

If he is clever he can give you his phone and delete anything inappropriate which is why asking to see his phone is pointless. You either trust him or you don't.
The relationship sounds unhealthy tbh. I'm sorry.

Not really, OP. You can look at his phone but he may have another phone. If you can't trust him, then what is the point?

If you need to go through his phone to trust him, your relationship is dead already.

I'm wondering if you feel you shouldn't be permitted to talk to your own mother about your relationship? And that your husband should be allowed to monitor any conversations you have with her?

He had the EA, they then sued eachother (?!) and you now either trust him or you don't?

But people are allowed to talk about their own lives and feelings to their family without having their phones scrutinised.

If you don't trust him you should chuck him anyway.