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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice, am I being the arse

11 replies

Whenlifeishard · 05/06/2026 22:07

Need advice before I go loopy. Hubby and I have been together 20 + years, last year or so has been full on health stuff. Anyway I broke my arm a few weeks ago, he had the cold (we've all had it). The day after i broke my arm which is my writing, everything arm he went to bed as he was ill with a cold. Spent all day in bed. I was left with 3 young children unable to drive, in a lot of pain with no other help. He point blank refused to help the last few weeks have been pretty much the same. He has managed his hobbies this week in between this despite being too ill to do much. I've been blamed for starting arguments and having too many hospital appointments. Honestly I cannot do anything more. I said I needed to sleep so he then decided to go do hobby stuff yet again leaving me with house stuff and children. I feel punished and paranoid that I'm asking too much from him. Some advice please, am I pushing it by expecting too much. He is my carer as well due to disability.

OP posts:
TheEagerDuck · 05/06/2026 22:11

My mum broke her right wrist this week and she has needed help with zips, cutting food and lots of little things. She is retired. So can't imagine someone having 3 children and dominant hand/arm out of action. Your hubby is been unreasonable

TheAvidWriter · 05/06/2026 22:11

Has this doolie got any qualities other than being selfish?

He is acting unreasonable and really selfish, and in the process teaching his own children how a man should behave.

Is there a reason why you are sticking to this partnership?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2026 22:14

Does he always get sick when you're sick. And it's always worse than you. And it's always requiring of more rest and more care...

Ask me how I know. I've trained DH out of it but at least he wasn't pissy like yours.

Velvian · 05/06/2026 22:17

I think that is very difficult to get past @Whenlifeishard . Are you considering ending things?

He is not much of a carer if he is leaving you alone with the children, especially with a broken arm!

What does he actually do for you?

AbzMoz · 05/06/2026 22:19

What are his normal caring duties (like full time?), and are his hobbies his only me-time?
Sounds like he’s using the cold as a reason to be selfish (and is really pushing it), but I’m wondering what alternative help you have in place or access to. I guess what I’m asking is this a selfish episode or is he ultimately neglectful?

gamerchick · 05/06/2026 22:24

You're seeing the real him. You can tell a person how they behave when their partner is out of action.

You might struggle to come back from it. Is there anyone who you could call to come and help you?

TheWildZebra · 05/06/2026 22:25

I’d find this unacceptable. Anyone in a relationship needs to feel secure and safe in the knowledge that their partner will step up if they’re ill. Honestly it would worry me that if he can’t pull his finger out for this, how would he deal with it if you eg. Had a stroke or were diagnosed with some awful disease (sorry these are extreme but they do happen unfortunately).

Whenlifeishard · 05/06/2026 23:22

To add, I've had some pretty serious health issues and unfortunately my health will deteriorate. He knows this and has for our entire relationship. I'm in menopause as well which isn't helping.

OP posts:
Whenlifeishard · 05/06/2026 23:25

I've spoken to him about getting some carer support but honestly I feel like I'm the only one doing all the important things while he just plods on..

OP posts:
Pansykavalier · 05/06/2026 23:27

You say he is your carer. What does this actually entail - what does he do for you on a daily basis? Does he also work or is he a full time carer?

Whenlifeishard · 05/06/2026 23:43

Full time carer, i need someone around as I fall a lot. Also help with medication taking. One of our children is disabled aswell

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