How can I accept emotionally distant parents and finally move on

[jennifergarnier]

How do I move on? All my life I have wished and willed my parents to change, to be more emotionally available, to help financially. But they will not. All the while believing us to be a close family, when the entire thing is one big act and a colossal dysfunctional mess. At 45 years old I have had enough of the pretence, the pandering, the faux acceptance, the charade and ridiculousness of it all.

I am disabled, my husband's job is at risk, our house is falling down around our ears and needs urgent work, I lay awake at night fretting about our retirement, and about the wellbeing of our young adult dc. We have not been on holiday for 5 years.

They go on lavish holidays for 3 months of the year, they have had no mortgage for 25 years, they have thousands in ISAs, final salary pensions. My sister is still renting at nearly age 50 with a family to support.

I question why they ever had children if they were never going to be there for us. I recall my mother once saying that once children were 18, they were on their own. Neither myself or my sister would dream of abandoning our children from 18 onwards! My mother in particular is so mean, so stingy. Why have I allowed the wool to be pulled over my eyes for so long? I am so so angry and upset.

I need to work up the courage to finally cut them off but a lifetime of being gaslit (surely they're not that bad! they are lovely people!) and people pleasing tendencies has meant I keep hanging on, praying and hoping they will become different characters.

As children they did the bare minimum that is expected of parents. As adults they just leave us to get on with it. And then when they've been out for dinner or are preparing for another holiday or renovating their garden, we are expected to coo and appease and show interest. My father did not even know what my career was before I became disabled. It is frankly ridiculous when it is all written down. How can they be so uncaring?

I am done with being sad, I need to find a way to come to terms with all this. Can anyone help me please.

I know, it's ridiculous isn't it. But if you wanted to educate yourself on nuance, you could have a read of MyThreeWords post upthread.

You could try reading this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=asc_df_1626251703?mcid=ed487be431cf394c9137f970c337609e&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697292848274&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7731663132400148431&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9195814&hvtargid=pla-347358731227&psc=1&hvocijid=7731663132400148431-1626251703-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1. But I really think you need to stop thinking they are giving you money. It’s their money.

Matching their energy is a good idea.

@Holdonforsummer I'm not thinking they are giving me money. I know it's their money. Thank you for the book recommendation. @JacknDiane yes I'm starting to do this now with them, I do it in other relationships and it works well.

I think you need to separate out emotional and financial unavailability, OP.

Also, have you actually asked them for financial help?

That was my reaction too. I'm the same age as you OP, and my parents are lovely and supportive, but I haven't relied on them financially since I graduated. They have a nicer house than me and are able to go on more holidays - it makes me happy to see them enjoying their retirement as they both worked very hard for decades.

That's not fair. You can hear the hurt and puzzlement coming through
OP's words. The money aspects are an aside i imagine for OP - just another side to the main point which is that they are not good enough parents because they don't care enough. I really feel your pain OP and appreciate your wish to deal with this without becoming embittered. Separate yourself from them, not in anger but to protect yourself from the see-saw emotions, and time will make it easier to come to terms with them not being the parents you needed. This works if you no longer have them in your life. It is like a kind of death and bereavement, but before the person(s) actually die. It will free you up to not have to deal with them.

@UndertheBeard yes I definitely do, I hate how they have become so intertwined in my mind! I would never ask them for financial help as they've made it very clear they won't help.

If mine were lovely and supportive then I would probably feel the same as you...also I don't think I have ever said anything about relying on them financially?

Thanks @GreenCandleWax , I appreciate your kind words I really do. I didn't think @AutisticLass2026 really understood my experience one bit! But, she's kind of right as they don't want anything to do with me so...

I think you should ask.

You just have to come to realisation that they are who they are and you take control of your life so that what they do or don’t do doesn’t affect you. It’s your expectation of what they should be that you’re still clinging to. Have zero expectations and you won’t be disappointed.

I find your post very entitled. You are responsible for your own financial wellbeing. If you’re in a mess it’s the result of your own choices in life. It’s their money and you are not entitled to any of it. My parents have never helped me financially at all. Despite being very well off. I never expected it .

I would never expect my parents to be frugal to help me as an adult! Most parents have gone without when their kids were small to benefit them … when they’re grown and independent that’s the time to focus a bit more on themselves.

Obv providing support and maintaining a good relationship with their kids but nobody should expect money. If any is forthcoming then great! Not an expectation though.

Absolutely this!

I didnt say my parents are frugal to help out their adult children. They're naturally frugal but not in a way that causes them to go out without or struggle. Trust me! They are extremely wealthy and ran a very successful business for many years. I have never expected money but they have certainly given it to help with things like property and if we were in a crisis like Op, I just know they'd help. I'm extremely lucky to have parents like them, I am aware. I have a lovely relationship with them. They've raised successful financially secure adult kids who also respect the value of money (in part due to their natural frugality so v much a positive cycle). But if my adult kids were struggling, and I was spending lots of money on non essential things then Id absolutely go without to a certain degree to help them providing they were doing their absolute best to save etc. No one can expect money of course, but to see your adult kids struggling while you're extremely comfortable is not something I could ever do to my children. It makes absolutely no sense to me as a parent.

If the adult children are successful and financially secure why do they need to take money from their retired frugal parents? Or is this just IHT planning?

@Marmaladeaddict fair enough, you are of course welcome to your opinion. But I don't think you have really grasped my experience at all. Which is fine. If you wanted to try to understand however, you could read some of the other very well written posts on this thread, which explain more about conflation of the emotional and financial.

Also I find your post extremely ableist. Are you really suggesting that I have made the choice to become disabled? FFS.

They gifted significant amounts of money for each of their kids to buy properties when we all graduated from university. There's no way we could have afforded properties of that kind of value as graduates. They also provided money for university so that we didnt have to get student loans and then pay a load back with interest. We haven't been gifted nor required any money since but I know they'd help us out if there was a crisis of some kind, or if we were simply struggling (much unlike OP's parents sadly despite their parents being very comfortable). I suspect my parents will want their inheritance to go straight to the grandchildren which is good with me.

It sounds as though OP's parents were indifferent at best during her childhood and they did the vert bare minimum that is expected of a parent. As OP is disabled, I assume that this has had a significant impact on her ability to earn a good income. I'm also pretty sure that OP didn't choose to be disabled, so you telling OP that her financial worries are the result of her own choices is pretty mean and tone deaf.

I am far from wealthy but I still help my adult children financially if I can. I presume that you will follow in your parents' footsteps and refuse to help your children financially, even if they really need it and you can afford it. It really doesn't show you in the best light.

No of course not. But your financial situation isn’t your parents responsibility.

Actually I have helped my children quite a lot. However if they expected it and became bitter because I hadn’t I wouldn’t have done.

You are going to have to let go of your expectations of what you think, or believe, your parents should have done and the reality of who they are and what they actually did. That's it in a nutshell. The only thing standing between you and peace of mind is your unmet expectations of what your relationship with your parents should have looked like.

You are a grown up now. You get to define your life, your boundaries, who you want in your life and who you don't. Your parents are who they are, you can't change them and you can't change what did or did not happen in the past. The only thing you can change here from this moment onwards is your own approach.

Take a deep breath and let go of it all. Just let all of your disappointment and unmet expectations go. Then decide if your parents are people you want to remain connected with in any way shape or form. Very definitely worth considering some counselling or therapy too.

@Marmaladeaddict nowhere have I said that my financial situation is my parents responsibility. But you carry on believing this narrative if it fits your view of my situation. Have you ever heard of nuance? Context? Critical thinking?