Logistics of new partner and kids

[RMN80]

Sorry, this might be long.......
I have 3 kids, an 18 year old who does his own thing and 14 year old twins. Their father and I seperated 2.5 years ago, divorce finalised 6 months ago.
The twins have now reached the stage of not wanting to visit their father, he doesn't make an effort with them, and on the one day a fortnight they spend with him he is either working or indulging in his own hobby, leaving them to their own devices.
I am just wondering how others in the same situation have navigated a new relationship? I am not ready to introduce him to the kids (although they know about him), and I don't have any family that can take care of them if they are not at their dads. So how on earth do we get to spend time together?
I am happy to leave them alone for a few hours to go out for a drink, but wouldn't leave them alone overnight.

Its tricky. If 18yr old home, then fine, but otherwise I think you have to make most of the evenings together and no overnights.

You don’t, it’s not your time. A new relationship isn’t important right now. You’ve only got a few years before you can get into the next stage of your life but it’s not now.

It’s hard for sure. Is there any chance your 18 year old could be persuaded to babysit for a small amount of money? Or family to have them overnight occasionally?

You’re always going to get this kind of view on here. Mums should be martyrs and put their life on hold until the kids leave home while the dad does nothing to help and lives their life. Unless you’re in that situation you’ve no idea how challenging single parenting is. You can have a life but it’s a balance.

I have a 14 years old and they can be fairly independent so as you say you can leave them for a few hours and mine wouldn’t look up from her phone/ipad. If your 18 year old wants to support and be around to supervise you could spend weekend days together or book annual leave to spend weekday time together and go out for the day. As they get more independent you can build up that time together. It’s going to be fairly limited without overnight but if it’s the right relationship you should be able to see each other. Best of luck.

So single mothers doing their utmost to raise their children and not do the unsafe thing of introducing them to new partners super early on don’t deserve relationships? 🙄

Get real. My ex left when my daughter was a few days old and I also had a 4 year old. So I’m meant to be single for 18+ years when they move out because it’s “not my time”? Meanwhile my ex and the OW are shacked up living their lives because they’re the ones who DIDN’T stay??

What a load of horseshit.

OP your kids are 14 and 18. What's stopping you leaving them at home of an evening and going out on dates?

How incredibly condescending

Is ‘spending time together’ a euphemism for having sex? Because for everything else you do together, you could do just as you would if you were meeting a friend. Surely you get to go out and meet friends without your teenagers in tow?

What an outdated view - why should women (or any parent for that matter) be a martyr to their kids. Life is for living, not living like a nun till the kids have left home.

Especially at that age. 18yo can babysit for them. I certainly left my 14.5 yr old on his own till midnight when I went out, he was happy with it and no issues.

Personally, me and gf met each others kids within a few weeks which I know is frowned upon by most on here (should be 2 years and a full MI5 check), but we live close so was always going to happen with kids (late teens) going back and forth as they please!

Thanks for all the support with the rather outdated view of being a nun until the kids have grown up! My kids always have, and always will come first. I'm not sure why that means that I can't have a life as well?
Some great tips though, thank you! We have considered booking annual leave etc. to spend more time together. I am just not comfortable leaving them on their own for longer than a few hours. It's fine if their brother is around, but at 18 with a car, he is out and about a fair bit, and I wouldn't ask him not to.
I will introduce him to the kids in the next few months, he is keen to meet them, but I am not in a rush 😊

I mean my mum was leaving me and my sister with a babysitter to go out to parties, on dates, etc.
This was the 90s and we were both under 10.
She was and is a great mum and she ended up meeting my stepdad who raised us as his own.

How backwards are attitudes to women going!