Advice please

[UKLOVINGMARRIEDCOUPLE]

Can a wife that totally loves her hubby get tempted to talk to a male online in another country you think ? Even tho she and her hubby have been together since they met at fifteen years old and she knows the chat could maybe head in a sexual chat kind of direction? Is it like having time out from being a mum or a wife maybe ? I am the hubby of the wife that I am talking about by the way
I just wanted some advice that’s all .. and I can’t ask anyone that knows me

What sort of advice are you looking for OP?
Is it normal escapism? No.
Is it behaviour outside of your marriage? Yes.

First of all , Thank you so so much for just being normal. Ok im gonna try and give you some background . . I dropped my laptop a few months ago so I had no choice but to use my wife’s laptop to do invoices and he messaged her whilst I was doing so. He was sending her a picture of his new dog. I wasnt snooping at all and I saw the message on her laptop on Skype so I opened it and all the messages were there.

They have met again online on LinkedIn Bcas they used to work together 22 years ago when he was also in the UK they then added each other to Skype .. they’ve started off as friends but things have kinda got to a kind of regular messaging stage but the messages aren’t loving ones either or “I miss you” type ..

So…what you’re talking about, is a friend.

She has a friend…who lives in a different country… and you’re being weird about it.

I mean benefit of the doubt I guess you could argue if they were talking every day and she was sharing intimate information with him that it was potentially emotional affair Territory…but …dog pictures don’t count there dude.

Is there something else that’s making you uncomfortable?
You say they aren’t flirting…. So… are you perhaps worried because she has cheated in the past? Or has she changed a lot lately and you don’t know why?

Sometimes we have instincts about things. But on the surface op…I don’t see the problem. She’s chatting to a pal.

It’s more than that

New information thanks OP. On the face of it I wouldn’t be alarmed actually.

What do you mean?

Ok … This guy lives in Vancouver Canada and we live in the UK and I know that they message every few days but not everyday. my wife and him are both professionals in accounting.
last week tho he asked my wife to show herself in her bra to him He also asked my wife if she wanted him to undress but she typed a clear NO .
but she did type “but what if I changed my mind and I did just want you to look” .. so what you say to that ?

Slightly off topic but I thought Skype didn’t exist anymore?

I think it’s called teams now .. we still call it Skype

Firstly, you say you weren't snooping but you have obviously read a lot more than the one message that popped up while you were using her laptop. However, your wife is definitely veering into dangerous territory. Perhaps she is simply enjoying the attention but she is being disrespectful to you and your marriage. Have you asked her about these messages?

Not yet no .. hence why I just wanted some advice first

I live in Vancouver! 🕵️

Listen, if you can honestly say you are a good man, husband and father; that you give your wife attention that doesn't involve parenting or just sex, then you need to talk to her.

-are you/us she bored
-have you done something wrong
-what do you/does she need
-counselling

Are you all in on the marriage? Be honest with yourself.

Mumtobaby havoc … those are real hard hitting questions.. please can I message you ?

I'd prefer not. But you could ask some general q's openly here.

I think since they knew each other in person then at first they just reconnected as friends but now there’s been a shift in conversation. There could be a range of reasons for this, she may be seeking attention/ validation if she is not getting it in real life. She may also be wanting to experience some excitement and something different from feeling like she is being the standard wife and mum.
Your wife may be feeling some resentment and wants to have some freedom with her time which sadly isn’t okay to be flirting online with someone else.
This is obviously very upsetting to find, is it something you’re going to discuss with her?

Personally, I think it’s time to speak to her, be honest with what you have read and chat through how it’s made you feel.
There are a lot of reasons why she is doing this but it’s up to you how you want to move on from it . You can try counselling and working through the problems in your marriage or you could take some time apart to decide what you both want in life.

Solid advice @Lostworlds
I'd advocate for some serious soul searching and self reflection first, though. You have to be really honest with yourself and be prepared for the relationship to blow up.

Thank you so so much for your time and your mind for taking time out to type on here but some things I cant type on here Bcas I don’t want people laughing at me.. some people can be really cruel and I don’t want to read that .. and yes there are some reasons why she might be doing what she’s doing if I’m truly honest with myself .. I love her so much and in a way I don’t doubt her love for me and our family either.
She never even walks around with revealing clothes on when we are out and about together and I also wonder can it be a little to do with her being her own boss too? Bcas she’s the director of her own accountancy company and that she hates it that every one kinda is sucking up to her all the time .. even tho she knows she has to carry out her role in a professional manner ? She’s always dressed smart in a suit and never swears or jokes with her Employees . Maybe she wants to rebel maybe ? .. she has 22 employees. Can it be a factor maybe ? Or am I just guessing ?

Again thank you for being normal decent people . There’s not many people like that about nowadays

I say to that: what a massive drip feed and quite the turn from what you previously described their messages to contain.

Did you feel the need to spice the thread up a bit?

OP she is at the point of moving beyond a pen pal friendship as she is now flirting with this guy. He has initiated it by the sound of things but she's obviously reciprocating.
Whatever her intentions are you can't know by guessing, you need to have a conversation with her. If you know yourself there are reasons why she might be seeking attention elsewhere then start with this and talk to her.

Can a wife that totally loves her hubby get tempted

Short answer: yes.
”Love” is a broad brush word for something complex and multifaceted.
How old are you?
If you can’t tell us (anonymously) what the problems in your relationship might be, I think this conversation may have run its useful course.

Ok so that completely changes things though doesn’t it?

Are we supposed to be psychic lol

So from her response my guess would be that she isn’t interested in cheating, because otherwise she wouldn’t have been like “NO”. But it sounds like she isn’t happy in your marriage (and perhaps, in herself) if she wants another man to look at her and presumably, complement her on her body.

Perhaps after having the kids she feels like “mummy” and like she’s lost her sexiness. Now I’m not saying there’s an excuse for her behaviour but I do wonder if you take the time out to be romantic with her, to tell her she is beautiful etc.. to go on dates, to make her feel loved and cherished.

Maybe you do though and she has checked out anyway.

But you need to sit down and have a frank conversation with her and ask her what she feels is missing in the marriage and if you can work on it to make it good again. Or if she feels it might have ran it’s course because you noticed she clearly had a wobble and is heading in emotional affair direction so you two either both need to come together now and fix this or, separate.

And if it’s the former, she of course does need to stop talking with the online bloke.

Maybe your right.. thank you