My husband always gets mad at me if I don't go to bed at the same time as him

[sandracb4321]

My husband always wants me to go to bed at the same time as him. He never says it directly, but I know it is because he wants sex. I have told him many times that I am exhausted from Monday to Friday and often do not want it. As a result, I sometimes deliberately find excuses to stay up later, but he then becomes angry or annoyed the following morning.

This morning, he complained in front of our son that my staying up late was a reflection of my poor time management. I told him that he could not control when I go to bed and that I am free to use my own time however I choose. He became furious, got into the car with our son, and drove off. We had planned to do the school drop-off together and then collect something elsewhere afterwards.

To be honest, I felt relieved that he decided to go alone. However, he did not give me a chance to explain to our son why I was not coming. I felt sorry for my son, who had to sit through his father's constant complaining and criticism in the car.

My husband can be very selfish. He often stays up late watching YouTube videos. I never stop him and let him do whatever he wants. The only time I say anything is when I see him falling asleep in his chair, and even then I simply remind him that he should probably go to bed.

I never question his irresponsible and unhealthy life styles, as long as it does not disrupt the family routine. Unfortunately, his late nights affect everyone because he becomes very irritable when he does not get enough sleep. Even worse, he has woken me up in the middle of the night, sometimes at two or three in the morning (when he went to bed), because he wanted sex.

A few weeks ago, we had a huge argument about this. The night before, I refused his request and told him that waking me up purely to satisfy his own needs was extremely selfish. He responded by saying that my refusal was a form of manipulation. I was speechless. At that moment, I just wanted a divorce.
Shortly afterwards, I had to leave the country to see my family. When I returned, we both acted as though nothing had happened. We managed to have a few peaceful days, but then the same issues resurfaced again this morning.

At this point, I honestly just want to leave him as soon as possible. However, I do not know whether I can afford to rent a property on my own. I do not have a regular income, and with the new rental regulations, I worry that passing the referencing process will be very difficult.

It’s not the bed times that are the issue here. The issue is your husband feels entitled to have sex with you and sees you as an object to satisfy himself. He doesn’t seem to care that you’re not in the mood or that you’re asleep even (given he wakes you up for it), which is pretty grim when you think about it. Can you imagine pursuing someone for sex when they’re blatantly not up for it? So gross. His behaviour suggests he most likely only caters to his own needs sexually too - I doubt he’s setting your world on fire when you do consent to it (in a healthy relationship, it’s mutually satisfying).

Honestly I could not be with someone like this. He’s a selfish sex pest. Maybe have a serious think about what he adds to your life and if it’s not much, I’d consider other options!

You could get your name on the council list and bide some time takes around 8-12 weeks and you’ll be given a bidding number. In the mean time look to see if you could start getting a more regular income, if you do start putting that money away and start planning your escape.
He sounds like a complete selfish pig.

He is using you as a seminal toilet
He is horrible

Honestly I could not be with someone like this. He’s a selfish sex pest. Maybe have a serious think about what he adds to your life and if it’s not much, I’d consider other options!

She is.

She’s worried about renting and affordable housing.

@sandracb4321 Are you in the UK? What’s your residency status?

The best places to seek information and help will likely be your local council’s Housing Options service and Women’s Aid. Look for both online.

I am in the UK. We are renting. I have not thought about council housing before. I will have a look. Thank you.

There are 2 sides to every story, it sounds like you have unmatched libido's, does he show you any other signs of affection, does he buy you gifts, take you out, hold your hand, hug you, compliment you, kiss you in a non sexual way and do you do any of those things for him? Do you still fancy him? Does he still fancy you or does he see you as an object? It sounds like his needs for bedroom action are far greater than yours, unless you've always had a low sex drive there is usually a reason why someone stops wanting sex in a relationship, hormonal changes, emotional disconnection, trauma or lack of desire over time due to resentment it could be all sorts of things, and it's one of the most difficult conversation you'll probably ever have as a couple.

He's unlikely to stop wanting sex, i would ask yourself aside from being tired, why you don't want it, you might find it's just life getting in the way or maybe you'll identify another reason i don't know, what i do know is that (assuming he loves you and fancies you and doesn't view you as a sex object) that the rejection will be damaging him emotionally. It goes both ways whether you are male or female, rejection has the same emotional effect. I think the bottom line is that you probably owe it to each other to explore the reasons behind it rather than depart without trying.

If after everything you find you're just not into it anymore then i think you have to have the conversation about how he 'releases his frustration', do you go your separate ways, do you have an open relationship who knows...

He's controlling and sexually coercive and trying to weaponize your child by complaining about you to them.

Just split up. There's no fix for someone so selfish they would wake a sleeping partner to have sex at 2 or 3 am. He wants sex, you're avoiding it because you're turned off, and that could be due to his coerciveness. Whatever it is, he's badgering you and waking you for unwanted sex.

Complaining about you to your kid is a type of parental alienation and that's considered a form of child abuse where I am.

Your husband is abusive and he's not going to change. Just get out.

you posted in 2023 about him. He hasn’t changed. I suggest that having some financial independence and leaving him is the way forward

This man has been treating you badly for years now.
A previous thread is about him locking you out of your own home in the cold. Rude and abusive to your son. Now he’s a controlling sex pest.
You sound like you need some support - speak to your GP as a first port of call.
You can keep going around in circles or you can start to make a plan.

One of the only good bits about being an adult is you can choose your own bedtime!

DP and I don’t always go at the same time and we’re both fine with that because there is no underhand reason why. If you’re deliberately staying up later than you’d like to avoid DH there are much bigger problems at hand

Are you literally unable to read the OP's posts about how badly this man is behaving? Or are you just being difficult and contrarian for the sake of it?

@sandracb4321 Are you still with him?

FWIW I hope you have been able to break free of him. His behaviour around sex is terrible.

You need to get out before your child starts treating you like crap too because he sees his father treating you that way. That’s what happens.

You are married so will be due half of the marital assets or there abouts, in a divorce, if that helps. I would speak to a solicitor asap about what they need to make the process run smoothly and see you get the best outcome.

Do not let him know you are leaving or divorcing until you are fully prepared.
And please inform your family first too.

If he kicks off, don’t be slow to call the police.

Consider options like moving to a cheaper area, caravans, flat shares (this might not be a possibility with a child but perhaps you will find some old lady who has room available and would love the company). Look into what benefits you would be entitled to.

As a matter of urgency, make sure you have your own bank account that he can’t access and your own money only goes in there. Also, try get proof of his income, like his pay stubs or, photocopies of them. Incase he tries to shirk child support.

Step by step.
Well done on deciding to leave the prick.

He has no right to get angry with you if you don't want sex. He can end the relationship if he's not happy.

He is a sex pest and he's controlling and aggressive. You do need to separate.

This has trigger warnings for me. My husband used to do this (wake me up). It used to infuriate me and one day I just yelled at him that if he ever dared do that again, I’d be packing my bags and that is one of the few things that had an immediate impact, as he never did it again.

I do think it’s as simple as they’re horny and trying their luck, but as a sleeping woman, it used to have the reverse effect on me.

I can see references to your other posts on locking you out. This happened to me also, but we were very young and had only been together a few months (red flag!) -it’s very degrading and even though these things happened to me 20-25 years ago, I found it hard to forgive. When resentment builds, it’s very hard to be free and easy sexually with someone.

On a positive note, we worked through most of our stuff. We’ll always be very different and like you, I couldn’t give a monkeys what he does or when he does it, he’s much more highly strung than me. It’s so boring but with a willingness, you can get there (if you want to).