Coping with betrayal after 19 years together.

[EnjoyThePettyLiar]

Wise ladies, I need some hand-holding right now. 💔

I’m honestly not sure what’s worse anymore—the betrayal, the fake reconciliation, the double betrayal, the rewriting of history, the divorce itself, or the prospect of co-parenting while the other woman is involved in my children's lives.

Some days it just feels so incredibly unfair. People get to make choices that blow up other people’s lives, leave a trail of devastation behind them, and somehow seem to walk away without any consequences.

I know life isn’t always fair, but right now it’s hard not to wonder where the karma is.

Oh op it's brutal.
I'm dealing with this at the moment. Affair in 2024, reconciled and then he got involved with her again in March and we are in the process of divorce.
I've come to terms mostly with the end of the marriage but as we have children knowing ow will be around us going forward is genuinely traumatic.
I'm having regular therapy which is somewhat helpful.
I also found chump ladies book useful, and I'm reading a book called the reality slap which has a lot of good advice.
Sending lots of love

It's horrible OP. I don't speak to him any more unless I absolutely have to.

On the bright side, the relationship with the OW didn't survive. You might be lucky too that way.

It is so hard. I am fearful of ending up dying alone. But I also can't see myself dating. My body tense up even just think of it. Well, at least there is assissted dying.
The bloody cheaters have no guilt, no remorse and no punishment.

I'm not surprised you feel like this now but you may not always. Try not to look into the future and catastrophise in your head (easier said than done, I know!) You've been through an awful trauma and you need time to heal, regroup and reset, one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. You are better off without the lying cheating waste of space 💐

I think it’s true that the cheaters have little remorse, but they do have consequences.
My ex has become like a distant uncle figure to the DC due to his lack of proactivity. He doesn’t share their daily lives, their school progress, friendship ups and downs, exam results day, first crushes, uni visits, birthdays, Christmas, pet amusements, cosy family film nights, fun trips out, meeting their friends. Ultimately what most of the cheaters lose is love.
Yes I know some maintain better family contact than mine, but they still lose out. My ex split up with the OW (once that feeling of reinventing himself wore off) as reality always reappears. Yes he has more time for his hobby and drinking with his one mate, but he leads a very soul less existence.

Sounds incredibly tough OP. If you are feeling alone you can find a great community in your local church, even if you don't believe.

Hi, I'm going through what sounds like a very similar marriage break up and trying to co parent! My ex husband left nearly 4 months ago and still finding it very hard. Feel free to message me :-)

The karma probably comes later down the line, he cheated on you so he will probably cheat on her eventually, the early stages of a breakup are horrible and consume all your thoughts, you will undoubtedly be asking yourself lots of questions, why, how, what did i do, probably nothing so try to just take solace in the fact that you are free of it, you can now do whatever you like without having to answer to anyone else, take some time to start loving yourself again and try not to overthink things too much 😉

Please talk to someone about how you are feeling, you mention assisted dying and it didn't sound like a joke?

A family member of mine killed themselves and I will never, ever, recover from it. There is also a website called Reasons To Stay which you can check out when you are feeling low. Sending all my love to you. ❤️

It may not be how you meant it, but "Well, at least there is assissted dying." sounds like depression and dangerous thinking.

If you're having any thoughts like this, please call 111 or go to 111 online. The NHS has good resources to help you deal with your feelings without being alone. You can also call the Samaritans at 116 123.

You don't deserve what's been done to you, but not everyday will feel as hard as this one. You don't need to worry about dating and not being alone right now. For the moment, just concentrate on getting through one day at a time. Once you feel safe you can think more about the future.

You're not alone- there are so many more people who've been done dirty than I thought possible, and some of their stories might be helpful for you. ((🤝♥️))

This probably isn't the recommended way of thinking about it, but when my marriage broke down due to his betrayal the thing that stopped me from suicidal thoughts was the thought that it would be very convenient for him if I just disappeared. He would be much better off financially, he could move another woman in seamlessly to play happy families with my children, he would get lots of sympathy from everyone.
I was determined that it shouldn't be made easy for him to end the marriage and I was kept from the darkest thoughts by sheer spite.

Hi there.

We're just popping on to let you all know that our Mental Health Webguide has a list of organisations that can offer support to anyone who needs it.

We also wanted to thank those of you who have been so kind and supportive to the OP. Your kindness makes such a difference in this world.

Best wishes
MNHQ 💐

Thanks so much for your heartfelt message ❤️

It has been a very challenging time, but recently it starts to become better.

I still have moments that I burst into tears; moments that I mourn our little family; moments that I wish nothing had happened. But overall I managed to not to feel anything about HIM anymore.

I’ll update more.

same Situation 4 years on. They are getting married now and it still feels like torture at times

i don’t know how I survived discovery day, but I did and so will you!

as shitty as it is, I wouldn’t want to swap with them either. Deep down they must feel like shit

but what I’ve heard is that indifference is what we’re aiming for

There is still that empty numbness feeling, like nothing mattered very much anymore.

I don’t know if it is just numbness for now, or empty emotional tank, or, it’s just a form of freedom in disguise? I feel it is a lot harder to feel happy, to feel stable.

there are things I’d like to do and had no problem planning all myself for the whole family, but somehow, I lack of the strength or decision making skills to do it anymore.

I don’t know if these are transient, or if this is me, damaged goods.

I do have moments of brightness, to be able to think and find more positive side of all these. Everything seems to take much longer, heavier and bigger efforts.

my therapist asked me to contact GP for more days off, as there are triggers now.

Thank you for updating. I'm sorry things are still difficult for you, but the part about wanting to do things but not getting them done sounds very familiar. I blamed ADHD for a long time, but my psychiatrist said it's a form of depression, and that treating it might help me keep moving forward.

See your GP, but please don't let anyone fob you off and say it's "situational depression" and you don't need medication. The pain is real, regardless of whether it's situational or something you already struggle with. Treatment for that has helped. I'm not a doctor but I hope you'll look into that possibility.

💐❤

Also not a doctor. But you've had a horrible traumatic event. It can make even the most mentally strong person feel very lost.

I've had it from a big thing & it was horrible just like being in fog. Can't really see things clearly. Mine passed but it took a while, you may need proper help to overcome your current situation.

Thank you. Each day it gets a little bit better, esp when there is no interaction with ex. huge amount of effort goes into maintaining steadiness, to keep everything going.

"Each day it gets a little bit better"

Write this down and put it where you'll see it when you brush your teeth.♥️