Struggling with new information about my father's abuse of my mother

[twolemons]

My mother has recently disclosed that my father physically abused her when I was a child. I knew that he was volatile, controlling, domineering, aggressive and verbally condescending and I have lots of memories of this behaviour, lots of shouting and crying in the family.

I've had therapy on and off over the years as suffer with very low self esteem. I've spent periods in my life wanting to go nc with both parents. I am now in a place where I can understand why my mother would have felt unable to leave back then, however am grappling with lots of conflicting feelings. I have lost all respect for father who is a classic narcissist, and ruined my early years and beyond.

Not really sure what I am hoping for but need to get this out, not sure how I move forward. They are still together and very enmeshed, but with this new information how can I look him in the eye?

It’s really difficult. What was your mums reason for telling you now? She’s still with him and must have known her disclosure would have affected your feelings about him, and possibly her. In saying that it sounds like you’ve maintained some kind of relationship with him despite his behaviour and its impact on you, are you able to articulate why this feels like the final straw?

How old are your parents? Would your mum have been able to leave your dad but chose not to?

You don't have to see either of them if you don't want to. It sounds as though you had a pretty horrible childhood and your mum's revelation has obviously brought up some pretty disturbing memories.

This is very similar to me. I’d say I have a strained relationship with my mum.
I went no contact with my dad for 14 years before he died. I felt sooooo much better
for it. I used to meet my mum out instead without him present. I barely stepped foot in the house again.

@MrsPerfect12 I'm sorry to hear that you have gone through similar but glad that you felt better for making that decision about your dad. How was your mum about it if you don't mind disclosing? And did you just never discuss your dad with her after that? It's all so confusing.

Yes my mum would have been able to leave him when I was older definitely as she was self sufficient by then. But I don't think he was physically abusive at this point, "just" the usual horrendous bullying and dominance. They are now both elderly.

I've maintained a relationship of sorts as I'm coming to realise that I have been gaslit. He is also very good at turning on the charm and making you question your instincts.

I think this feels like the final straw as I find physical violence against women utterly inexcusable.

Don't think she had a particular reason for telling me now, more that she just came out with it. His behaviour has been the subject of wider family drama which we were discussing.

The thing is your Dad might have ground her down souch with his abusive behaviour that she didn't have the energy left to leave him. I know a lady very well who lived in a similar relationship and I asked her outright why she put up with it especially after her DC grew up and left home. She told me she had no energy or fight left within her. Her h died and within a year she seemed so much happier and in charge of her own life. It was only then she revealed how badly he had abused her almost throughout her whole marriage. She said when her DC were small she had nowhere to take them and later she had been ground down so much she had no energy left. I'd tell your Mum it's never too late to leave an abuser.

My grandparents, by the time they were elderly, the dynamic had shifted. He was bad tempered and rude and grumpy but ill health meant she became the more powerful one. I think she enjoyed being able to choose to stay and choose to listen to his opinions and complaints. Choose being the operative word. She had to stay all those years, but was choosing to stay even though he didn’t deserve her.

@Jellycatspyjamas @thepariscrimefiles sorry I didn't tag you in replies. Thank you for your posts x

Yes @caringcarer I think this is true of my Mum but he has mellowed in old age and I can't see her leaving him. As @PrizedPickledPopcorn says she has more authority and agency now. But I struggle with her acceptance of it all and feel grief at what myself and siblings were subjected to, and how much it has cast shadows on our entire lives. Meanwhile they 'happily' get on with their life.

I would say that some parents in previous generations didn’t see their DCs happiness as theirs to promote.
So, dc were supposed to thrive and do well and make their parents proud, but parents didn’t actively work at helping their children emotionally. There was a ‘it will toughen them up’, ‘what have they got to complain about,’ kind of attitude.

My parents and grandparents seemed to be following a ‘tell them what they should and shouldn’t do, slap them if they misbehave’ parenting approach.