When men cite insecurity in relationships, is it usually about control?

[WhenTheDustSettles]

Is it always or usually that men are actually not insecure at all but just controlling creeps when they say this? And even if not, why do they think women are there to fix their "insecurity" instead of getting a grip on their lives?

I’ve never in my life had a man use insecurity as an excuse for anything. 🤷🏻‍♀️ If by this you mean, I’m so insecure that you can’t possibly have a night out with your girlfriends, well, yes of course. No one who is truly insecure would be confident enough to discuss this sort of emotional vulnerability with anyone. The very nature of someone saying they’re insecure and clearly stating a need means they can’t possibly be all that insecure. 🙄

I think it can be genuine insecurity. I think in fact this is the sometimes hidden, sometimes overt root of many controlling behaviours in both men and women (particularly of the "you can't have friends of the opposite sex" type).

But it is absolutely the insecure person's issue to deal with, not the partner's issue to appease them and ease their unreasonable insecurity. And pandering to it only ever makes it worse, as with most things which give way to & accommodate unreasonable "fears".

I've been a man who felt insecure in a relationship. It wasn't about control, or being a creep. It was about being young, stupid, and it having taken me until 19 to find my first girlfriend, and having a deep abiding fear that I wasn't good enough for her and that she'd leave me for someone else and I'd never find another girlfriend.

In the end it was the insecurity itself that did the relationship in. She decided she wasn't dealing with that needyness, and swiftly dumped me. Which, good on her for that. I got a good bollocking from my Dad when I whinged at him (one of the few times he displayed any sort of decent parenting) and then sorted my head out before I got another girlfriend.

Not every bit of bad behaviour in a relationship comes from a place of malice. The intent behind it doesn't really matter though, it's crappy behaviour either way.

It's A + B sometimes = C

Insecurity + patriarchy/male fragility/the manosphere/socialisation = control

I've seen it with OCD in men more than once. They have genuine OCD but because they were also socialised to think women have to solve problems and care and fix them and they have power, it turns into the whole house being run as an OCD centre for them.

I can see that the insecurity can be the same. I'm a man, I'm insecure, I've watched too many influencers online, I think my girlfriend needs to fix the situation and she shouldn't go out.

Insecurity is just insecurity and can manifest in many ways including control.

Flip it around though, and the desire for control is almost always about insecurity. And it's not gendered.

I think it is usually wrapped up with a lack of trust. They feel insecure in themselves, and don't trust you to not go off with someone else, so they try to prevent you from going out or seeing other people without them. "I just want you to be safe" they say, or they want to protect you from the attentions of other men.

No. That would be a sweeping generalisation. Insecurity is not gender specific and can be just that. Not a cover for anything.