I need some parenting advice for a stressful situation

[itsadifficultone]

I’ve nc’d as I’ve spoke to a few friends about this that I know are on here.

I have 3DC; 1&2 are with my ex and 3 is with my dh. My dc1&2 were very young when ExH and I split. He used to have them EOW but has DC1 every weekend now and DC2 every other (they don’t want to go every weekend).

My DC1 (9yo girl) seemed to be okay with the situation, living with me, dh and DC2&3 and seeing her dad EOW. That was the arrangement for years and then extra in the holidays. However, the past 6 months or so she’s been so upset and stressed by the situation to the point where she’s developed alopecia (partial, not full). She is missing her dad so much that’s all she seems to think about. Unfortunately, due to where he has moved to post split, he’s too far away to see her during the week. He is planning on moving closer towards the end of the year. However he’s not good enough at the practical stuff to even entertain the idea of her staying there midweek if he was closer or even more there than here (I wouldn’t want this but I’m saying hypothetically). It’s only due to him living with family members that I can bear them going at weekends due to his lack of practical parenting. I don’t know what to do. She is honestly seeming to not like me and be very distant towards me which hurts a lot as I adore her and put a lot of effort into making her life nice/fun. Any advice would be so appreciated as I’m at my wits end with it, I want what’s best for DD but even if her dad was willing (he wouldn’t) then he wouldn’t be able to look after her properly full time.

This might be useful for context so I’m just throwing it in there; he seems to absolutely stuff the Dc with junk when they’re there and DD has put on quite a bit of weight since doing every weekend (I’ve not said anything about this to her), but I’m concerned as I think she’d be overweight now if I weighed her. DC2 told me that at the weekend previously, they had (and not limited to): Nutella pancakes for breakfast, pizza for lunch, KFC for dinner, marshmallows and sweets for snacks. In one day. DD1 confirmed that this was true.

I have a calendar for DD1 so she can see visually when she’s going but it’s not seemed to help much. She’s also very emotional in general these days which I’m assuming is from being upset at missing her dad. She told me that she misses him every day and counts down the days until she’s with him again

And just to add, she seems to have separated herself emotionally from our family ie me, her siblings and dh. Honestly I don’t expect her to be as attached to DH as much as me and her siblings but she seems completely switched off from us

It seems to me that she likes seeing her Dad partly because of who he is but more importantly that she's getting a lot of attention and foods that she can have with him.

The whole set up.sounds very confusing. In my experience children thrive on routines that are sustained over time and reinforced. Its hard for you to pass judgement on her time with him because that will win you no friends at all.

Nine is a tough age, and talking is the key. Provide reassurance, routine and hopefully as she grows she will see that a sustained and sensible parent is better. From a behavioural point of view is does point to a phase she's going through.

Thank you for your reply @Thatsthebottomline. I just wanted to clarify that there is a stable routine; she goes every weekend (that started about 4 months ago) and we divide holidays as fairly as possible.

How long has your DH been in her life and what is their relationship like? She sounds insecure and potentially pushed out and from the info you have provided that she feels happier with her Dad.

@Lifesdhe’s been in her life since she was 4.5, they’ve always gotten on but not close, they still get on now but not close in any way.