Senior Parents, mum is nasty to dad, what to do

[TheAvidWriter]

Right. So I am currently visiting my elderly parents for 3 days.
They are in their 70´s. Dad is recovering from cancer and had a lengthy treatment a few months back and is not the same anymore. He gets tired easily, his vision is strained, and so is his balance. He is also partly incontinent from the radio therapy he received.

Now mum is on his case all the time, he cannot put a foot wrong, she is constantly yapping at him if he does not take his plate away after eating or similar, and is just finding fault which is not needed. They use to be so loved up back in the day, albeit mum has always been bossy and critical in life, or has the tendency to be abrupt and down right rude to people. But I have only been here 24 hours and I am saddened to see how she is with dad. She is downright bullying him.

I know this behaviour is nothing new, she has always been like this, but now its like she resents him for being ill, not the same man and their plans may be changing. They have live a full filled life with lots of privileges. But I find it so hard to listen to. I have asked her how she is feeling and she sounds like she hates him or just wants him gone. She is so negative towards him. I know that sounds dramatic to everyone, but that is how its coming across and I feel for him. This is clearly emotional abuse and he looks down trodden and unhappy.

My brother who is in his late 30´s and is the golden child, is constantly asking them to babysit both overnight and during the day. Dad is clearly not up it, and I think that may be the reason why mum is resentful. The child is 2.

I live 3 hours drive away and a wheelchair user so unable to help them as much as I would like. I normally would just let them be as its their marriage, but there clearly is abuse going on here so I feel I need to do something but what?

Anyone been in a similar scenario and if so how did you approach things?

This actually sounds similar to when my Dad was recovering from cancer. My Mum has always been a martyr, but I think the constant demand on her just became too much. My Dad isn't easy to live with. Does zero around the house, thoughtless and self-involved, but my mum does everything for him, has done for years and suddenly expected him to be doing 50/50. That sounds like I'm blaming her for him being useless around the house, but she's been enabling him for years so has to take a small amount of responsibility for it.

It did get better as he got better. But its still not good. Cancer has aged my dad so much and its like he's given up on trying to get better, so that frustrates her massively, and I can see why tbh!

@IsThisLifeNow yeah I have wondered if this is the case as mum has done the majority of household matters all their lives, and she really doesn't want to be doing that anymore. I get that. But he provided them with such a good life, and a happy life too. Maybe she is afraid? It just feels so cruel seeing her being so nasty towards him, and he does not even attempt to say anything to her when she is off on one.

Speaking from experience, your Mum may have a very valid reason (historic behaviour etc.) for behaving the way she is

There are valid reasons to be abusive to your partner?

You need to speak to your father directly when your mum is out the house.

Thanks everyone, will see if I can have a natter with him about things and get his view if he feels like talking and take it from there.

I honestly felt the same as the OP a good few years ago but was met with some incredibly surprising home truths and it became clear that actually the older generation female had put up with a lot worse over the years and had reached her limit where caring was concerned. I think many women in their 70’s have had a lot to put up with in life and relationships

If they can afford some praticable help?
Maybe she’s angry her dreams have been shattered

Obviously this may not be the case for OP’s parents. Just offering a perspective

Urgh, this is my parents.
My Dad can't breathe without my Mum rolling her eyes and finding fault. It's horrible & she's relentless. She gives him silent treatment for days & seems fairly proud of it, which I find particularly awful.

I have told him (on his own) that he doesn't have to put up with it, but he's as loyal as the day is long.

Their dreams were shattered when my dad had a stroke 20+ years ago & it left him physically impacted. I think there's a huge amount of resentment on her side (although Dad would never have stopped her pursuing anything she wanted to do) and a huge amount of gratitude that she stood by him on his side.

I have to leave them to it. At the end of the day, my dad is a grown man with autonomy, but he knows I love him & would help him if he wanted to separate.

Also have a chat with her and see what does she need. It's not easy being a carer, does she get time for herself to do what she needs for her own health. Does she feel unable to say no to the babysitting. When does she get a break...it might make things more tolerable for her so she can have more patience with your dad.

Sometimes people need to know how they are being perceived by others. I know in my first marriage, my husband one day mentioned how sarcastic I could be, and that he noticed my mother acted like that as well. It was like I was so used to it and apparently absorbed that bad trait from my mother. So I was more cognizant after that to improve.

I'd probably say something like, "Dad is feeling so poorly and he looks so hurt when you sound harsh with him. I'd like you to think about how you'd like to be treated if you were in the same shape. If you're feeling overwhelmed with all the care you're having to give him, and how you now have more housework, perhaps you should think about hiring a part-time cleaner who can also prepare some meals to take some weight off of your load."

I don't know the financial situation of you and your brother, but maybe you two could chip in for that to happen. He should be willing to do something since they babysit his grandchild. Or it should be suggested to him that he bring a family meal when they babysit so your Mom doesn't have to do the cooking.

Do be alert to your Mom's mental health. Sometimes people get mean when they have dementia/Alzheimers.

Think you could speak to your brother and at the very least tell him you feel your Mum is behaving like this.
It may be that she is overwhelmed with the caring role .
He could maybe cut back on the babysitting requests,but that's for him and his partner to figure out.Do they visit often,are they involved in any caring or giving your Mum respite at all??

My PILs were a bit like this before FIL died. Now MIL talks about him as if they had the perfect relationship and seems to forget how cross she was with him!

At the end of the day OP, your dad can leave the relationship if he's not happy - couples do split up even in their later years. If he chooses to stay there's not much you can do. It does sound as it your mum has a lot on her plate, caring for him and babysitting and getting older herself too - the criticism and nagging may be because she's feeling overwhelmed. Do they have a cleaner? Maybe they should look into getting some paid help to give your mum a break.

@Conchiglie could have written your post myself. In fact about two weeks before my dad died, my mum was screeching at him
for something. Now doesn't remember at all.

Maybe try saying to her that she seems at the end of her patience with him and does she need help or a break?

Maybe they need extra help like a carer coming in for him.

You can also talk to her and say you have noticed that she is not coping well with his illness and recovery, and ask her what is wrong from her pov. You also need to say clearly to her that her behaviour to him is unkind, cruel even, and needs to stop.