Is it unreasonable to question late night FaceTimes with ex?

[Intothewildwest]

I'm looking for some clarity here please. I've been dating a man for three months, who has a DD that lives with him full time. His ex lives about 30 miles away and has severe mental health problems, which is why their daughter lives with him.
When we started dating, he would occasionally mention that his ex would sometimes call him and speak on the phone for a while. I didn't question it as it's none of my business, and also because I suppose I just assumed she called to speak with their DD, 6. As time has gone on, he's mentioned these calls more and more, again I just assumed she talked to DD.
For context, they were only together for around 7 months before she fell pregnant, then they broke up when DD was 18 months old. DD has lived with her dad for the past couple of years. She visits her mums house during the holidays, recently visiting over half term and this is where more information has come to light.
Over the last week since DD has been home, the man in question has said multiple times that his ex has FaceTimed nearly every night. I said perhaps she's missing DD, as she had her most of the week; maybe the house is quiet without her and she's feeling lonely. We were on the phone at 10.30pm the other night, when he said his ex was FaceTiming him and he'd call me back. I thought it was an odd time to be calling to speak, as DD was in bed. He didn't call back, just messaged saying goodnight.
Yesterday, during a phone call at around 8.30pm, after DD was in bed and settled, he again said he had to go, as she was again FaceTiming him. He said he'd call me back and did so at nearly 11pm, after they ended their call. When I asked why she had called when DD had gone to bed, he said she often does and just talks for hours.
Am I being unreasonable to think it's odd to FaceTime your ex partner for hours, multiple times a week, once your child has gone to bed? I obviously have no issues with co-parenting, as I do so with my ex husband however, I don't sit on the phone to him for hours, once our DD is in bed. Nor would he want to, especially if he was seeing someone.
To me, it feels like some kind of warning bells are ringing, telling me there's perhaps no boundaries here. At the same time however, I'm aware it's new to us and I don't feel I can address it, without being seen as being too confrontational. What would you do in this situation?

She might still be relying on him for emotional support. I wouldn't say it is odd, but it doesn't sound compatible with a new relationship. He will need to have healthier boundaries, and she will need to find an emotional crutch elsewhere.

@whyohwhyisitalwayswet yes I as thinking the same thing. They actually FaceTime for up to three hours at a time sometimes. I just assumed she was speaking to their little one. I have no issue with them being supportive of one another however, it doesn't feel right to be on the phone for hours at a time, almost every day.

You have only been dating 3 months. It is really to early to try to stop this. They have a DD6 together. Leave it a little while and do not make it confrontational.

I have had this. It is difficult. I was never this type of ex but my DP‘s ex has been this way in the past.

I don’t understand women that won’t let go and also men that say „she is the mother of my children, so I have be there“. However I let it go.

It took some time for my DP to realise that he wasn’t setting proper boundaries in place. I nudged a little, because at first he was the NRP and he was scared she would withdraw contact. Now he has them full time mainly because of her mental health, it took a while for him to understand boundaries were being crossed, but she doesn’t call him anymore.

I think if you could find a way for him to open up over these conversations it might help you. He might be struggling with the stress but don’t push it. A little tiptoeing is sometimes needed but show you are there for him, because it must be stressful but he has the feeling he „owes“ her that.

My DP often put speaker phone on if we were together so nothing was hidden. But that was when he did not have DC full time and we were together more.

I hope your BF has not yet introduced you to his DD.

That doesn't leave much room for you in his life. I assume he is feeling guilty for leaving and feels like he needs to atleast be an emotional crutch for her. I wouldn't be pleased also with him hanging up on you to talk to her. He clearly feels like he needs to be 'available' for her when she needs. I guess see how this develops...

@Usernc66776 I have not said I am trying to stop it. I also understand we are only a few months in.

He has only just said that it's him she FaceTimes, not their DD. She only actually speaks to DD maybe twice a week. She FaceTimed him last week when he was with me however, he didn't answer the call. Come to think of it, that was about 9pm also. I just feel a bit alarmed by the hours on end FaceTiming, at what seems nearly every day.

You've said what you think, no point in repeating yourself, just show by your actions that you don't think it's acceptable when he's in a relationship with you.
If he accept a call from her while he's on the phone to you, don't be available to chat at 11pm when he calls back. If he sends a message, ignore it if its not at a reasonable time.
I don't understand why he is interrupting calls with you to speak to her, it demonstrates who his priority is. I'm wondering why he isn't just saying to HER "Sorry can't pick up now, I'm on the phone to my GF, I'll call you tomorrow".
You might decide that you'd prefer a boyfriend who prioritises you.

@whyohwhyisitalwayswet Yes I think he does. She doesn't pay maintenance and also claims UC, as he said he doesn't want to add any extra stress to her mental load, which I completely support and don't pass comment on, simply not my place. I've actually just had a message off him now saying he's on the phone to his ex, and he'll call me later. His DD isn't there, as she's at her nan's house this evening.

@DelphiniumBlue Now I understand the extent of their calls, and who she actually spends time speaking with, it has most certainly shone a new light on the situation.

I have been through it. If he is a good man, which it seems his is from spending some time with her because he is worried about her well being, he will get through it. Small nudges, no major confrontation.
It could be red flags if he was completely cold. However, if you have emotional needs and they are ignored then this is a total red flag.
Appreciate he is trying to juggle a bit.

It's early days so this isn't necessarily a huge thing, but the thing that worries me more is that he's cancelling calls with you in order to spea with her for hours. Totally different if he prioritises taking a call to clarify some important child-related point and then calls you back 10 minutes later, but overall, I'd be concerned that the man I'm seeing is dropping me every time his ex calls.

As I said, there's an argument that says you're still very early in so perhaps even that isn't a huge issue currently. But it's a concern.

Thank you all for these responses. I just needed someone to clarify that some of my worries are valid. I suppose I'm afraid that later down the line, this will still be happening and it will become a bigger problem. I appreciate she has her issues and he wants to support her, as it's DD's mum however, it does make me question if he's really in the right place to be starting something new.

It's risky business giving your time to someone and letting them become apart of your life, especially when your free time is precious outside of children. Perhaps I'm a little anxious of getting so far in, only for this to become a real issue in regards to time and priorities etc.

Personally, I wouldn't be hanging up on him to have hours long FaceTimes with my ex husband. My ex husband also doesn't have mental health problems though.

Thank you once again.

Hmmm I think I’d be backing quietly out of this one. They are still obviously quite enmeshed and I don’t think I’d want to get involved in that.

All valid concerns. Yes, he must be a good guy to offer his DD's mother support, however it is also not his cross to bear. And, will definitely make it harder for him to find place and time for you in his life, and if he does prioritize you, it might lead her to further anxiety. He will need to taper off the late night calls to his ex gradually, so she has time to find an alternate support system. Just keep a watch on it for now...

This would not be remotely acceptable to me. There's no way he is available for a relationship with you while spending 3 hours a day face timing her. He's ending your calls for her, she is his priority.

It does sound like he is trying to be a friend to her and offer her emotional support. Unfortunately, if you're in a relationship and he's hanging up on you to take her calls, he is showing you very clearly where his priorities lie. I'd think carefully about whether he can offer you the time and energy that you deserve, with all else that he has going on.

This would be too much drama for me. He may be unhealthily enmeshed or he may be trying to do the best thing by his daughter to keep her mum alive and okay. Who knows? I wouldn’t want it to be a drama I have to deal with in my life though. It sounds like he doesn’t have room for a relationship right now and I’d be clear with him why you feel that way when you end it.

There's been times where we've been messaging and he's gone radio silent for hours, abruptly during the messages. From having a full blown, hilarious conversation, to silence for 4/5 hours. Then comes back and says he was busy with DD. I'm now beginning to wonder if he's actually FaceTiming her instead. I didn't think much of it, as I don't need to be in constant contact with someone like that however, maybe the pieces of the puzzle are becoming clearer and falling into place. I can be pretty easy-going but sometimes this is used against me. I'd never be the type to compete with someone, maybe I need to reconsider my options before I'm in too deep. X