My husband and I have been together for nearly 13 years, married for nearly 4. We have a little boy aged 2.
The majority of our relationship has been good, we get on really well and are truly like each others best friend. We have lived together for most of our relationship. Since our little boy was born, my husband's mental health has started to suffer. It began with anxiety and panic attacks and has now become depression as well. He has childhood trauma regarding his birth father and I wonder if it could be linked.
The last few months my husband has been withdrawn, sleeping a lot, and just generally not his usual self. He has taken sick days off work and has low motivation around the house. He also works away a lot and was having frequent panic attacks before going away and whilst away.
He is medicated with propanolol and sertraline but has not been to therapy before. He says the sertraline numbs his emotions.
As he works away a lot, I am left with the brunt of childcare, looking after the house, and our dogs. I also take the mental load of sorting bills/appointments/our child's clothes etc. He has always struggled with day to day tasks, frequently needs to be reminded to clean up after himself and he is generally a chaotic person to live with. I believe some of this is due to undiagnosed ADHD.
It's worth mentioning that throughout our whole relationship he has smoked weed (mainly just in the evenings) and has had an up and down relationship with alcohol. More recently he has become quite dependent on alcohol. He also has taken cocaine in the past, this has calmed down but it is still a problem as he cannot be around others doing it, without doing it himself, and he's always looking for excuses to do it at parties/weddings/stag dos etc.
Obviously I knew all of this when I chose to marry him, as I believed he would grow out of it, he always told me it was his intention to try to reduce his usage.
Recently we have had several big arguments, generally stemming from inappropriate drug/alcohol usage. He smoked weed in the house while caring for our child (he was only in the next room), he was mugged at knifepoint whilst buying cocaine in Portugal, he got blackout drunk at my sister's wedding, and recently I caught him driving stoned with our child in the back. Each time I have made it clear that this is highly inappropriate and I have threatened to leave him a couple of times, each time being met with "please don't leave me I will change".
Fast forward to now, a couple of weeks ago he told me out of the blue that the marriage wasn't working and he was unhappy. After talking about what was making him unhappy he said he was very depressed, had suicidal thoughts, and that he couldn't take the pressure of being my husband anymore as he continuously lets me down. He hates the person he is around me and feels hugely guilty, because he lies and conceals the truth from me about his drug/alcohol usage/finances. But rather than addressing the fact that the things he does makes him become that person, he has decided to end the marriage instead. He says I deserve better and he cant be the man I need. I truly believe he isn't thinking straight due to his mental health. Yes the marriage wasn't perfect and I could be critical of things, but I do feel like the reason the marriage hasn't been good is because he has been depressed and not wanting to do anything in his spare time other than sleep.
We have had several more conversations over the last weeks, and he has decided he wants to divorce. I told him I was willing to fight, to go to counselling, that I would try to stop being so hard on him, but he just kept saying he doesn't see the point as he doesn't think it would work. I am so upset that 13 years of a relationship isn't worth fighting for in his eyes? Is it just because he doesn't want to address his mental health? Or have I been such a bad partner? He says he still loves me and wants us to remain best friends while co parenting.
I don't really know what I want from this post but just felt like I needed to get it out of my system. I suppose I feel quite annoyed that after all I put up with during our relationship and after everything I forgave him for, that him doing this to me and my son is so unfair. Any advice welcome.