Could this arrangement work?

[TeddyBearss]

I have already posted this but it was on quite a quiet board and I still haven’t decided what to do so if you have already read this please feel free to ignore, im just looking for more advice as I haven’t decided and have had mixed opinions, a lot of people on a single parents group I posted think I should go for it

No judgement please just looking for thoughts.
Im a lone parent to 4 kids, all kids are autistic to varying degrees, oldest being most severe and also just been diagnosed with severe adhd, to say life is rough is an understatement. I haven’t had a single night to myself in 10 years she doesn’t sleep and is up all night and I still have to look after 3 younger kids in the morning after having zero sleep. Ex hasn’t been around or involved for years so I’ve been doing it all alone. I can’t manage days out as quite frankly it’s too hard (to give more context the local authority provided 2 support workers to come and take her out to give me a break and they quit after 2 days!!) anyway to get to the point, ex has got back in contact and wants to see them again… the reason he stopped seeing them is because he only wanted to see them in my house he wouldn’t take them to his and wouldn’t take them out, people told me he was taking the P and I should basically stop the arrangement as it isn’t fair on me him coming round playing happy families then leaving and me never getting a break, I put a stop to him coming here but now I’m starting to think that was a mistake, he has been gone for 3 years but wants contact again so maybe I should actually just go along with this “family” thing, so at least I would have an extra pair of hands here helping
Out and he could help me take the children out, and I really want to take them on holiday but I could never manage that alone but with my ex it might actually be a possibility with an extra person for support, my other children are missing out not being able to ever go abroad, thats one of my biggest wishes is to be able to take them abroad on their first holiday and I will not be able to do this alone. he use to stay over and I use to find it uncomfortable as it was like we was acting like a couple still (nothing happened and he slept on the sofa) but people told me it was weird and it shouldn’t be happening and tbh it was quite hard having my ex here after we split and acting like a family, I just wanted a normal co parenting situation where the ex comes to take his kids and I get a break but that’s never going to happen and I have to accept that but now im starting to think I could actually use this as a positive? What would you do if you were me? Im not planning on leaving him here to look after them so I can have a break thats not the reason I want to do this it’s more for some extra help so I can take them on days so my kids don’t miss out on doing things. Does anyone have this set up?

(as said i have already posted this but still not sure what to do so feel free to ignore if you’ve read it rather than tell me as I am aware but still undecided so looking for more views)

It sounds like you’re in the trenches at the moment so any help could prove to be a lifeline. You say you’re not planning on leaving him with the children - why is that? Is he unsafe in some way or just unwilling? Would it work for him to come to your house (if that’s really the only way he will show up for his kids 🙄) and for you to go out for a short break? You could start by a quick trip for a coffee and slowly extend it…

I agree that it’s highly unsatisfactory that you are looking after all four all the time and he’s doing nothing but at the moment any help might be better than no help, especially given the situation with the support workers leaving so quickly.

Ignore what other people think and do what works for you. Now that a few years have passed, hopefully it won't feel so weird having him stay over.
I separated from my DH but we still had to live together for several years, due to finances. I lost count of the amount of times people commented on how odd it was. Truth is, it's no one's else's business. With respect, it sounds like you need all the help you can get and he is their DF, so who better. Give it a try at least.

Yes I’d do it.

Because people have told me to leave them with him at mine to get a break but I’m not considering it so I can get a break it’s for help taking them out

I should add he won’t have them at his house despite having a 3 bed flat because he would rather rent out the rooms in his flat so he told me he is unable to have them there. He has no plans to change this.

OP, if you’re desperate to take your DC on holiday, could you not suggest that to him, and if it goes well, then consider whether another pair of hands would be worth it for the strangeness of having him at yours? I would suggest maybe just going away for a weekend to start with, and somewhere not too far away, so if it’s a disaster you can simply draw a line and come home. What have you got to lose? As a PP has said, it doesn’t matter a jot what anyone else thinks, it’s what works for you, and what might make your life easier.

Will this not be rather confusing for the children?

Weve been away in the uk thats not a holiday for me i want to take them abroad done uk stuff and that was hard work would definitely need a pair of extra hands to help out abroad, obviously thats just a future thing if things go well with him coming here, it’s more a future aim. Would have to see how him spending time here with them goes first but he use to stay for a few days etc

No more confusing than why he doesn't see them at all?

Their father, or indeed anyone else, coming in and out of their lives at random - you said they were all autistic? Children need consistency, stability and routine regardless.

Yes we’d only do it if he was willing to stick to it and be consistent and he will need to show that first

Someone said to me if I can’t manage them outside then it was unfair to expect him to be able to, was I wrong for not letting him have them in my home? He didn’t have to take them out he chose to make his living situation so he couldn’t have them at his house, that wasnt my decision, he could have had them at his house, if he hadn’t chosen to rent out all the rooms instead, he could have taken the to family (he has family and friends i dont) he chose to walk away, I still try all the time to take them out even though it’s hard I haven’t just gone you know what it’s too hard i will give them up, now im questioning everything and thinking I was wrong for not allowing him to have them here? Was that the expectation? 😔

you need to stop listening to what people think you should do and do what you want to do

Forget other people's opinions OP, do whatever suits you best. If you want help taking them out then begin with that and suggest a joint trip with him and the children to a place or activity that they'd all enjoy.
2 pairs of hands would indeed make things easier and sounds preferable to having him in your home, at least to begin with. Forget joint holidays for now, see how it goes and keep things simple to start with.

I don’t know now it’s really giving me second thoughts, the entitlement of it. He would have a place to take them if he didn’t make a choice so that he couldn’t have them there that was his choice not mine, he would have realised it would be difficult to maintain a relationship with the kids. I may just stick to days out with him and the kids then rather than actually letting him come to my house?