Need to sell our renovated home after partner became physical again

[Lizzieg2]

My partner has worked really hard to renovate what was supposed to be our dream home. It was a major challenge and he put so much into it, to get it how we wanted. We spent more on things because we were going to have them for a long time. Because it has been such a challenge he has really conflicted feelings about it. We have been together for two decades. I feel awful that we need to sell it now because he lost his temper at me and grabbed me in an argument. The problem is this is not the first time. He has been to counselling and a domestic abusers programme. Not for consistent abuse but for being intimidating in arguments and a couple of other physical instances, including throwing a chair at me. These instances were spaced really far apart. There have been so many ways in which our day to day has improved relationally and I really love him, I love where we live and there are ways in which he can be a wonderful partner. But I don't know how I can feel safe anymore. No children (not by choice)

Sorry you’re going through this, but however beautiful the house is; your safety is way more important

Difficult situation for you. Do you feel the abuse is happening more often than it used to? Thats what normally happens.

I know I shouldn't care but I feel guilty after all the work he put in, it meant so much for him to do it well and he did. I know that sounds stupid

@Blodyneighbour no, but he has been in a funk for a few weeks. Physically it's not been much over the years. But often getting to a point where he vents anger on me, after weeks or months of no issues

I'd.love is both to have the pay off of.living here after all the work

In the end OP, if he loses the house he has put so much work into, it will be his fault. Down to him being a nasty aggressive person who thinks it is OK to throw a chair at someone (wtf!) and grab them physically. He will have only himself to blame.

At least you should get a good price for the house, so each of you can start afresh in comfort.

He has ruined it for himself and you op, this isn't on you.

Your safety is a million times more important than a pretty home. You are in an abusive and dangerous relationship and you shouldn’t minimise that.

Thats tough OP. But yeah I agree with you that leaving is probably best. He knows when he is abusive, and to reach this level of anger is scary where he one day may go too far, and he knows this. Wonder if he would loose it to this level at co workers, and the reason I say that is he can probably control his outbursts, but chooses to be abusive and threatening to you. Its a choice.

The house should be a home, a comfort zone, free of fear. Whatever he fills it with decoration wise will never make up for any abuse. You need to feel safe within your relationship. I am positive if he didnt feel safe with you he would leave, he would not want to live in fear of you. Its just a house. Its worth very little if something was to happen to you. Sorry to be blunt.

People do up houses for the fun of the process, for the joy of living in them afterwards, and/or for the cash benefit when it sells. You probably placed more emphasis on the deferred benefit of living in it afterwards, but he will have enjoyed/got a kick out of the process too, else he wouldn’t have done it, and now you’ll both have the cash benefit of when it sells. So don’t think of it as wasted effort - for either of you, as you’ve suffered his outbursts- just accept that you’re substituting one gain for another. When you tell him, make it very clear that you’ve been suffering a lot and you can’t take it anymore, you need your space, otherwise he might try and paint you as a gold digger who only stayed with him till you could sell - been there done that and had the blame thrown at me but stay strong there’s light and peace at the other end of the tunnel.

But often getting to a point where he vents anger on me

So the physical episodes have been few and far spaced, but it sounds as though he often gets verbally abusive? You deserve to live a peaceful life OP. If he has anger problems then you're better off away from him as any time he could get physical again. It's a shame after all his hard work, but this is on him, not you.

What about the effort you put in? Did he solely fund it and do all the labour, make all the decisions and buy all the materials?

YANBU to want to live in the home you have created but he has created this situation. Do you have children at home? We are doing a big ish reno and it is a huge amount of love energy and effort on both our parts. Would you happier and safer living apart. Do what is best for you.

@redboxerclub no but he was there for all the really bad days, when everything was dust and contractors were all over the place, and did some of the really tough jobs. Labour wise probably 75% finances and decisions more 50/50. No children sadly/or maybe not in some ways

@Userxyd I'm getting valuations done this week. Keeping my fingers crossed we at least don't loose money, we've had to spend a lot! He is super resentful about the process unfortunately, but I think got some satisfaction at times!

The house is kind of beside the point, if you're not safe in it.

The responsibility for ruining the dream is on him. He's the one who chose to lay hands on you.

it meant so much for him to do it well and he did

So he got satisfaction from the journey and then he made the destination untenable. You should feel no guilt whatsoever.

He only has himself to blame. There are consequences to being a nasty human being and having to leave a home is one of them.

Stop taking on his guilt.