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Original poster

Moving Relationship Forward

14 replies

Fujifan · Yesterday 00:59

Looking for any advice, although think I know the answer.

Background - early 50s, been together just over 2 years, she has 18/22, I have 19/24. Oldest two have fled the nest. Both divorced but no bad past, just normal! Each have around 100k mortgage outstanding so could buy 500-600k house mortgage free. Both get on great with kids and each other.

The issue is that she has been on her own some 12 years (me 5). both have relationships but I want to move things on, she doesnt.

I guess I am a bit of a traditionalist, in that I like/want to settle down/move in. Have a proper LTR. She is more independent and thats not for her. I get that, I love my independence like weekends golfing with friends, being able to go to the pub on a Friday and come back whenever, plus having my house the way I like it. But she doesnt want a man getting in the way, likes her house the way it is and to do what she wants. For me, if I am invited to an event (wedding) and have a plus 1 I think automatically that WE go, when she had a similar this it was SHE goes (had this earlier this year when a friend got married).

It has got to the point when something has to give, I dont want to be with someone 1/3/5/10 years down the line and living apart. I know that some like that and thats great for them but not me. I like the closeness that gives but also likes the freedom too. Like if I want to meet with friends Weds night I dont have to think thats our night etc (and vice-versa).

We both love each other a lot and trust each other - but have reached this point where we are both stuck in our ways. In many ways I dont think things would change much - I would still do my things and she would too.But for her it's something too far. Not liking the 'partner' label, wanting her own space (even though I said that for me, my ex and I had loads of our own space as we were in different rooms often!). Neither of us are clingy or jealous.

But for me I am struggling with what seems a part time relationship. I get that we both have our own views and neither is right/wrong but dont see a compromise. I think she is amazing but what seems like living day to day is just not for me. Has anyone else been in a similar position?

OP posts:
SlightlyAjar · Yesterday 01:06

It sounds as if you’ve answered your own question — it’s not for you. She doesn’t want to cohabit, she doesn’t want a partner. You do.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Yesterday 01:12

I think you know the answer too, @Fujifan .

You said it yourself - living together is not something she wants to do.
She is happy with how things are - you enjoy spending time together, and apart.
She doesn't want to change that.

"In many ways I don't think things would change much" - so why is it so important to you? Although I do think you are being quite disingenuous here - buying a house together and living together full time would be a massive change. And one she does not want.

If it's a deal-breaker for you, then you need to end the relationship.

Endofyear · Yesterday 02:04

It sounds like she's been very clear about what she wants and it doesn't align with what you're looking for from the relationship. So you have a choice to make - carry on as you are or walk away and find someone more compatible. Neither of you are wrong, you just want different things.

PrincessOfPreschool · Yesterday 02:07

I didn't really understand your post. I read it again and didn't understand! It seems like you enjoy the freedom of living apart and don't really want that to change. But you want to live together?

You've mentioned the older kids have left home but there's still younger ones to think about. It's a very odd age to start moving in with different people or to move house. I think you should wait till the younger ones have left home and reassess.

Sounds like it's working right now and what you're really upset about is the plus one at the wedding (I would be too) so maybe just address those actual issues and not something as massive at living together.

AnOldCynic · Yesterday 07:46

She’s happy in a relationship with you at arms distance. There’s nothing wrong in that in itself but when it doesn’t align with your hopes for the future then it’s just not going to work out. I suspect that while everything seems ok in the relationship she’s actually not that into you.

Two years isn’t that long. If someone was pressuring me to move in together after that amount of time I’d be pushing back for even more distance. You say things wouldn’t change that much living together, in fact they would be VASTLY different. Either you accept this or move on.

moderate · Yesterday 11:15

Fujifan · Yesterday 00:59

Looking for any advice, although think I know the answer.

Background - early 50s, been together just over 2 years, she has 18/22, I have 19/24. Oldest two have fled the nest. Both divorced but no bad past, just normal! Each have around 100k mortgage outstanding so could buy 500-600k house mortgage free. Both get on great with kids and each other.

The issue is that she has been on her own some 12 years (me 5). both have relationships but I want to move things on, she doesnt.

I guess I am a bit of a traditionalist, in that I like/want to settle down/move in. Have a proper LTR. She is more independent and thats not for her. I get that, I love my independence like weekends golfing with friends, being able to go to the pub on a Friday and come back whenever, plus having my house the way I like it. But she doesnt want a man getting in the way, likes her house the way it is and to do what she wants. For me, if I am invited to an event (wedding) and have a plus 1 I think automatically that WE go, when she had a similar this it was SHE goes (had this earlier this year when a friend got married).

It has got to the point when something has to give, I dont want to be with someone 1/3/5/10 years down the line and living apart. I know that some like that and thats great for them but not me. I like the closeness that gives but also likes the freedom too. Like if I want to meet with friends Weds night I dont have to think thats our night etc (and vice-versa).

We both love each other a lot and trust each other - but have reached this point where we are both stuck in our ways. In many ways I dont think things would change much - I would still do my things and she would too.But for her it's something too far. Not liking the 'partner' label, wanting her own space (even though I said that for me, my ex and I had loads of our own space as we were in different rooms often!). Neither of us are clingy or jealous.

But for me I am struggling with what seems a part time relationship. I get that we both have our own views and neither is right/wrong but dont see a compromise. I think she is amazing but what seems like living day to day is just not for me. Has anyone else been in a similar position?

For me, it wouldn’t so much be the living apart, as the not thinking of you as her +1.

It sounds as though you’re her FWB. Are you the only one?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · Yesterday 11:19

It sounds like the relationship has run it's course then. You can't force her to want more than she currently does. If that's not enough for you, then you need to make the decision to end it.

shuffleofftobuffalo · Yesterday 11:30

The thing that stands out to me is the wedding invite thing. YOU think of inviting her, SHE doesn’t think of inviting you. Tells you all you need to know really.

Your goals are expectations of a relationship don’t align. I’m please for her she has been so clear. It’s increasingly common for women a her stage of life (me included) to prioritise their peace and their space - most women find themselves trapped in household drudgery when they move in with a man, no matter how much the man insists they will pull their weight.

ScorpionLioness79 · Yesterday 15:08

There are things that should be dealbreakers since they are major. Such as different views on marrying or not, having kids or not, open to moving to another town/country, or not, and in your case, cohabiting or not.

No matter how wonderful the person is otherwise, when there are opposing views on such things of importance, one will always be miserable.

SlightlyAjar · Yesterday 15:16

shuffleofftobuffalo · Yesterday 11:30

The thing that stands out to me is the wedding invite thing. YOU think of inviting her, SHE doesn’t think of inviting you. Tells you all you need to know really.

Your goals are expectations of a relationship don’t align. I’m please for her she has been so clear. It’s increasingly common for women a her stage of life (me included) to prioritise their peace and their space - most women find themselves trapped in household drudgery when they move in with a man, no matter how much the man insists they will pull their weight.

I assume that the OP’s partner thought ‘Will I enjoy this wedding more if I attend by myself and have a good time with my friends, or if I bring @Fujifan and have to spend the day checking he’s ok and introducing him to people and making sure he’s not feeling left out?’ And chose the former as better for her own enjoyment. She’s been very clear about what she wants, and it’s very much ‘I want the things a relationship will add to my life, not the drudge of someone else living in my space and being my default mode’. I don’t think she’s in the least unreasonable, but the OP seems quite aggrieved she doesn’t want to override her own wishes for his sake. It’s doomed.

ETA It reminds me a bit of the days when I had ONS and would say ‘Thanks — that was fun — bye!’ in the morning, and a significant minority of men were aggrieved I wasn’t giving them my phone number and visibly hoping for another date. They didn’t want another date either, but they wanted me to want it.

It’s like the OP wanting to go on golfing trips as it suits him, and not have to make plans around his partner, but he feels she should want to live together, even though he’s actually enjoying not doing so in practice.

Credittocress · Yesterday 15:22

sounds like you want her to buy in on a nice house with you, and you can come and go as you please- whereas she likes to know what days of the week are “your time” for you to do something special.

To be honest I’d be spooked by someone who liked his weekends away with friends, doing their own thing, and wanted us to live together so he didn’t have to think of certain time a special to us, but I was there to come home to.

I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting to live together, but I don’t think you’ve framed it as an attractive proposition.

Sassylovesbooks · Yesterday 15:44

Your partner wants you in her life, enjoys your company but wants to keep the relationship at arms length. She's not interested in living with you, marriage or anything beyond your current set up.

I don't think it's so much living together you want, because you state that you like to do your own thing, like your own space and home as you like it. It's to do with the fact, that your partner doesn't automatically think of you, when it comes to a plus one invitation, for example. To me, that suggests that your partner isn't so invested in your relationship as you are. She's happy with a casual arrangement, where she sees you as an when it suits her.

You need to figure out if that type of arrangement is something you want or can live with. If you can't then, your relationship has run its course.

UpDownAllAround1 · Yesterday 16:50

Sounds like a FWB situation from her side. Have you done holidays together and met her friends?

moderate · Yesterday 18:33

SlightlyAjar · Yesterday 15:16

I assume that the OP’s partner thought ‘Will I enjoy this wedding more if I attend by myself and have a good time with my friends, or if I bring @Fujifan and have to spend the day checking he’s ok and introducing him to people and making sure he’s not feeling left out?’ And chose the former as better for her own enjoyment. She’s been very clear about what she wants, and it’s very much ‘I want the things a relationship will add to my life, not the drudge of someone else living in my space and being my default mode’. I don’t think she’s in the least unreasonable, but the OP seems quite aggrieved she doesn’t want to override her own wishes for his sake. It’s doomed.

ETA It reminds me a bit of the days when I had ONS and would say ‘Thanks — that was fun — bye!’ in the morning, and a significant minority of men were aggrieved I wasn’t giving them my phone number and visibly hoping for another date. They didn’t want another date either, but they wanted me to want it.

It’s like the OP wanting to go on golfing trips as it suits him, and not have to make plans around his partner, but he feels she should want to live together, even though he’s actually enjoying not doing so in practice.

Edited
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They didn’t want another date either, but they wanted me to want it.

Interesting. How did you know this?

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