How do begin to leave

everybodiesdeaddave · 2026-05-30T20:23:32+00:00

I need to leave my relationship but how do I get the courage? Theirs 2 children involved and i cant have them growing up thinking that this is how relationships are supposed to be, Ive got somewhere I can go but the thought of leaving is absolutely terrifying

NotAWurstToIt · 30/05/2026 21:32

You’ve done a lot of the difficult parts OP - you’ve recognised the relationship isn’t healthy, understood the impact it has on your DC and found somewhere to go.

Practicalities to think about - is he violent or volatile? If so, speak to Women’s Aid about how to leave safely. If he’s not violent, is it still easier to leave when he’s out? Is there a friend or family member that can be there with you?

Have you got your finances in an account that only you can access? Get all your important paperwork somewhere safe.
What’s the current housing situation? Do you rent or own?
Are you married? Are they his children?
Can you / have you had legal advice?

Sorry, lots of questions there - trying to list out dimensions things to consider.

Original poster

everybodiesdeaddave · 30/05/2026 22:16

So we are married, mortgage in his name as hes lived in this house for years and years and i moved in, hes not violent, just says really nasty things which hurt

The children are his, we have separate bank accounts already and i work,

I have family who can help me move but I still think it will be easier to leave when hes not here, ive told him today I want to leave and he said im not taking the kids,

Sorry the answers are a bit all over the place, heads a bit wrecked

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NotAWurstToIt · 30/05/2026 22:31

Ok @everybodiesdeaddave
I get this is daunting and scary. I’d suggest getting some legal advice, particularly reference shared custody and the financial situation regarding maintenance and the house.
I think you’re right about leaving when he’s not there. Can you find a family law solicitor next week?
Its important to note that verbal abuse is domestic abuse in UK law, so you need to tell your solicitor this, so they can help you get a protection order in place - this is really important, because it will prevent him from collecting the children from school and taking them.
Tell the school what’s happening and, once you leave and have the order, what it says so they know. Also speak to Women’s Aid.
I’m not, by any means an expert, so please do seek legal advice.

NotAWurstToIt · 30/05/2026 22:33

Also - can you document instances of the verbal abuse - as in make a note on your phone when it’s happened, as this will also be helpful for your solicitor.

Zanatdy · 30/05/2026 22:35

Leaving is not easy. I left when mine were 2 and 5. They are 21 and 18 now and i’ve never regretted leaving. I didn’t want them growing up thinking that’s a good relationship, and I grew up with parents who hated each other and constantly argued and no way I was putting my kids through that. My ex and I have maintained a friendship and have always been on the same page with parenting, no playing us off against the other. Even now we do family days out sometimes. I was the one to leave, as I hated the house and couldn’t afford it myself anyway.

UpDownAllAround1 · 30/05/2026 22:37

I would try to get a HR1 form signed to get Home Rights if you are not on the title deeds - see gov.uk website

aWeeCornishPastie · 30/05/2026 22:49

Get a family member preferably a big burly bloke to be there then you leave incase of any trouble. Or do it when he is out even then I would have someone with you

Original poster

everybodiesdeaddave · 30/05/2026 23:03

Thank you for everyone's comments, I cant reply to everyone individually,

Ive been texting a friend when hes been saying things, hope that's evidence,
Ive got a lot to think about, I didnt even think of him taking them from school, I just no I cant stay here anymore

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NotAWurstToIt · 30/05/2026 23:09

First step - legal advice and your safe plan to leave.
Great that your friend can back you up, but when if she couldn’t still tell your solicitor about the verbal abuse.
I’m not saying he would take them from school, but his comment about not letting you take them is a bit concerning, so that’s why you need to get advice.
Good luck to you and your DCs - wishing you happiness.

Endofyear · 30/05/2026 23:37

Get some legal advice and plan this carefully. I have a friend who's husband got an emergency court order to stop her removing the children from the family home. He eventually got her to agree to 50/50 shared care and said if she didn't he'd take her to court for full custody. She was so afraid of him humiliating her in court and making her out to be an unfit mother that she agreed. Please look after yourself and don't let him bully you, get as much support as you can from family and friends.

Original poster

everybodiesdeaddave · 30/05/2026 23:39

NotAWurstToIt · 30/05/2026 23:09

First step - legal advice and your safe plan to leave.
Great that your friend can back you up, but when if she couldn’t still tell your solicitor about the verbal abuse.
I’m not saying he would take them from school, but his comment about not letting you take them is a bit concerning, so that’s why you need to get advice.
Good luck to you and your DCs - wishing you happiness.

Thank you for your kind words
I dont think he would take them from school, he's just said things before like if I leave with these kids ill destroy him, but I cant stay for the kids anymore, they are not stupid, they know things are going on,
Ive just been worn down so much this past month with hurtful words because ive had a bit of a night time social life

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Original poster

everybodiesdeaddave · 31/05/2026 00:25

Endofyear · 30/05/2026 23:37

Get some legal advice and plan this carefully. I have a friend who's husband got an emergency court order to stop her removing the children from the family home. He eventually got her to agree to 50/50 shared care and said if she didn't he'd take her to court for full custody. She was so afraid of him humiliating her in court and making her out to be an unfit mother that she agreed. Please look after yourself and don't let him bully you, get as much support as you can from family and friends.

I need to leave ASAP before the legal advice, i think im going to have to go tomorrow, im safe he wouldnt physically hurt me but I need to get out

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alexdgr8 · 31/05/2026 05:02

Night time social life ?

TheAvidWriter · 31/05/2026 06:15

Get all relevant paperwork such as passports, marriage certificate, any other document and hide them outside the house, with a friend for example. If he is emotionally abusive, and you fear for your safety, and he is telling you the kids will stay behind if you leave, I would log it with the police. Tell them you are leaving an unsafe marriage. Logging this is vital. Then you need to stop telling him you are leaving him as any abusive behaviour may escalate, so try and be as normal as possible, then get things for the kids such as clothing packed away, some things they cannot be without, and some clothes for you too and take to your friend prior to leaving. Then when you get the change to leave, when he is not at home and does not suspect anything, leave. But do not tell him again that you are for your own safety. Also make sure there is no way for him to check your phone, or what you are posting on here if he has tendency to check up on you, bug your phone? Woman's aid is also a good start.

Original poster

everybodiesdeaddave · 31/05/2026 12:14

alexdgr8 · 31/05/2026 05:02

Night time social life ?

Going out with friends and then getting the silent treatment afterwards

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Original poster

everybodiesdeaddave · 31/05/2026 12:15

alexdgr8 · 31/05/2026 05:02

Night time social life ?

And then calling me selfish and that I only ever think about myself

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Original poster

everybodiesdeaddave · 31/05/2026 12:16

TheAvidWriter · 31/05/2026 06:15

Get all relevant paperwork such as passports, marriage certificate, any other document and hide them outside the house, with a friend for example. If he is emotionally abusive, and you fear for your safety, and he is telling you the kids will stay behind if you leave, I would log it with the police. Tell them you are leaving an unsafe marriage. Logging this is vital. Then you need to stop telling him you are leaving him as any abusive behaviour may escalate, so try and be as normal as possible, then get things for the kids such as clothing packed away, some things they cannot be without, and some clothes for you too and take to your friend prior to leaving. Then when you get the change to leave, when he is not at home and does not suspect anything, leave. But do not tell him again that you are for your own safety. Also make sure there is no way for him to check your phone, or what you are posting on here if he has tendency to check up on you, bug your phone? Woman's aid is also a good start.

Thank you for this
Theres no way for him to check my phone im not worried about that

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catgirl1976 · 31/05/2026 12:20

I know how hard it is.

i left my husband of 28 years in January. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It felt impossible. But it wasn’t. And now I am happy, calm and peaceful.

My only wish is that I’d done it earlier. DS is 14 and a great kid but now I’ve got distance I can see how much of Ex husbands behaviour has affected him and rubbed off on him. I’ve got work to do to I do that if I even can and I wish so much I’d done it years ago. Don’t be me.

Is IS hard. Emotionally, practically and financially but I promise you it’s worth it. For you and your children