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Relationships

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Have we grown too far apart for this marriage to continue?

9 replies

Buttonbean2 · 30/05/2026 20:14

usband is a good man but we have completely grown apart. Completely different interests and desires for life. Have not been intimate for around 3 years (my choice). My husband is very overweight. Always has been but it is probably at its worst now. He has no interest in basic hygiene, sometime doesn’t change his clothes for a couple of days, drinks huge amounts of fizzy juice and spends most of his time outside work gaming. We haven’t shared a bed for years due to his snoring which the GP has said is due to his weight. He is not depressed, he has just always had little interest in his appearance and health.

I like to exercise, try new things, explore new places and socialise. He doesn’t. All we do together is watch tv.

I love him and care about him and he is my best friend, but I am starting to resent him and can’t bear him being near me at times.

I have tried to support him in so many ways (at his request). I have tried to encourage him to eat more healthily, exercise more, weight loss jabs, cook healthier meals, replacing juice with other liquids, etc….nothing changes.

It is affecting our children who are embarrassed at comments other children make and who are now aware that their dad doesn’t do things with them they see other dads doing eg sports, activities. He drives them places, games or watches movies with them.

They have all said that they are scared he is going to have a heart attack or die me and to his face, nothing changes.

I am so stuck. We are having marriage counselling but fundamentally I want to be in a partnership where I feel some form of romantic connection and have intimacy, unfortunately I don’t see this ever coming back. I won’t know what to do. I feel like I have so much life to live and I cannot see a way out.

OP posts:
whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 30/05/2026 20:21

How long have you been together, and how old are your children? And, what was it about him that attracted you to him in the first place? Has he changed?

Buttonbean2 · 30/05/2026 20:27

1 x 12 year old and 2 x 16 year old. He has definitely become more sedentary and disinterested in appearance but was never a major priority. Hygiene was always ok until last few years. I was attracted to his sense of humour, kindness, enjoyment in life. Has always gamed excessively, which has caused huge problems in marriage. I can’t stand it.

OP posts:
TiramisuTastesDreamy · 30/05/2026 20:59

How would you feel if you stayed and there is no real change in the situation another 1-2 years down the line ? It sounds like you have already invested a lot of time and energy trying to help him. Is he realistically ever going to be able to become the kind of partner you would like ?

ScorpionLioness79 · 30/05/2026 21:12

You've done all the right things: Communication and marital counseling. Unfortunately, there's no improvement. He knows you're unhappy and it's why you no longer want to be intimate. What you want is reasonable, and he is making less effort, not more. He doesn't care that you're just buddies and not a SO in every expected way.

At least you know you pulled out all the stops before calling it quits, if you decide to do so.

I think it'd be the right decision. I ended my unhappy marriage for different reasons and had 2 children. I'm glad I gave myself a 2nd chance to build the life I really wanted, which I did. I hope the same for you. Good luck.

Buttonbean2 · 30/05/2026 21:48

We go round in the same circle constantly, he promises to change, it lasts a couple of days, reverts back and gets snappy and defensive. I feel so angry and resentful at him, when I see him gaming, drinking huge quantities of fizzy juice, walking about in old stained clothes ….I want to scream I feel so unhappy and trapped. It is like have another child to manage not an adult who is my equal. I feel guilty for feeling like this. I just want more.

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 30/05/2026 22:56

Think you posted in 2020 about marital issues so you have tried over a long period. Time to leave and kids are old enough now to understand

Turquoisesea · 30/05/2026 23:34

Unfortunately you can’t change him and no amount of pleading or asking will make any difference, the same as any other addiction as it sounds like he is addicted to gaming. People only change when they want to change and at the moment he doesn’t sound like he wants to. Losing weight and changing habits takes a lot of effort and it’s easier just to stay in his comfort zone of what he is used to. Does he realise you may want to end your marriage over this? Maybe that’s the push he needs because then he has to make a decision to either sort himself out or not. Perhaps sit him down and let him know you don’t want to carry on as you are as he’s not showing up as an equal partner. It’s not an easy decision if you love him but you’ve either got to leave him to it and live your life with your children and accept this is who he is or decide if the problems are enough to end your marriage over.

moderate · 31/05/2026 11:09

He cannot possibly claim to be surprised when you eventually tell him you are divorcing him. Especially if PP is correct that you first posted about this in 2020.

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 31/05/2026 14:54

Buttonbean2 · 30/05/2026 21:48

We go round in the same circle constantly, he promises to change, it lasts a couple of days, reverts back and gets snappy and defensive. I feel so angry and resentful at him, when I see him gaming, drinking huge quantities of fizzy juice, walking about in old stained clothes ….I want to scream I feel so unhappy and trapped. It is like have another child to manage not an adult who is my equal. I feel guilty for feeling like this. I just want more.

It is really really okay to want more!

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