Hi all, I’m sorry in advance if some of these questions sound wacky or odd -I promise
i am not a troll or AI!!! I’m waiting for therapy on the nhs for psychosis as I’m autistic and suffering with a psychotic illness, but don’t know who else to talk to about these questions about romance and dating. I was wondering if anyone with more experience than me (I’m 26 female) could help answer some of my questions, as I am too shy to ask my stepdad and don’t have a lot of male friends unfortunately.
I was basically wondering why I’m still single, and am looking for some unbiased opinions on why this could be. I’m not the most beautiful or charming by any standards - but I’m not sure I’m ugly either, I’ve been told I have nice blonde hair, nice eyes, and generally soft features all round. I am a bit overweight so have a bit of a belly though, I don’t even want to say how many lbs I weigh but I don’t look abnormally large or noticeably huge. Im 5’6-7.
Ive also been told I’m nice and kind, even too nice and that I come across very innocent and pure hearted. I’ll be the first to say that I’m not completely innocent at all, I do have my days!! But in general I’m a decent person, never some anything atrocious except maybe one falling out with a girl at sixth form ending with her begin kicked out of the group.’other than that I’ve tried to keep my side of the street clean as I felt very guilty for a while.
so I can’t figure out what could be putting men off. I know I’m not perfect, but I don’t sense any relationships happening to me anytime soon… I have had 3 bad starts to what I would call relationships, but they each only lasted a month
so not a relationship really- they all expressed a desire to have a relationship: one broke up with me when I was 21 because i was apparently making his mental health worse, as I stopped responding to his messages as he hadn’t spoken to me all day and I was getting anxious about it. I know that’s quite bad but I know I need to be honest with myself. Then we broke up and stayed friends, which wasn’t too difficult as we never had sex even though he sent me lots of dirty images :(
then way before this was a guy called M back when I was 17 - it sort of ended badly as I ended it and he said it took him as a surprise, but I ended it as he was sort of creating drama it seemed, like he fancied other girls and liked one on one time with his female best friend, which made me insecure. Again while we fooled around there was no sex.
then when I was 20 I met A on tinder as I just couldn’t wait any longer to lose my virginity - shocker, it went terrible and he said he wanted to see me again and I said yes, and I ended up meeting his family on the second date!! He even said I love you on the first date. It was all going too fast and I ended it. I did end up losing my virginity to him and we had sex.
now I’m 26 and haven’t met anybody since…all these aforementioned people have moved on with new girlfriends, all of them travelling together. It makes me wish I could have the same thing.
all that’s happened recently is in the last two years I had a weird friendship with a colleague that often turned flirty, but he ended up getting a girlfriend so that ended.
sometimes I feel men don’t like me because of something cosmic, like a cosmic punishment or hard lesson. This is where my illness comes in - sometimes I feel God is making it so men never truly fall in love and commit to me how I’d like, the same love I’ve tried to give them. I’ve never cheated or been unfaithful to any man, and I would like the same back but it just seems different what I get from men, and I wonder maybe it’s just not meant for me, which is a hard thought.
because of my psychosis, I hear a voice that says “never” when I think about the ideal relationship, and if I think about why it goes “what you did”, referring to the sixth form squabble. Im on medications so it’s mostly in hand, I’m just waiting for therapy.
i do get some interest from men, but they’re literally hardly ever men I find attractive in turn. I know this may come across as me being shallow, but I have lowered my standards for men in the past, going for humour or wit but that also ended badly.
does god influence a man’s love for a woman, as in a man will only be faithful and true if god permits it? I picture a man desiring me on some level (nature/biology) but only truly loving another woman (God/the universe’s will). God is redirecting the love from within the man I’m interested in, to someone else, just gently altering the direction of the feeling toward another woman because I can’t have it all for myself, if that Makes sense.
im sorry for the weird babble, I do have insight and know it sounds weird to others. I feel
like it would just be nice to know others objective opinions on why im single.
my mum says it’s probably due to my mental health, but I’m recovering slowly and still nothing has happened.
I am willing to post a photo of myself if necessary
so people can give more insight. Thank you so much in advance :)
(also, I just want to add that I am getting matches on online dating, which i go on and off, but if I find them attractive they ghost me/dont reply to messages, don’t match, or we match and it fizzles, or I get a recommendation based on who likes me and they’re attractive in ways but maybe a bit too muscly, really not my type.)