Advice needed please...

[stuckinthecorner]

Long and complicated Im afraid but I could really do with some sane advice. I have two dcs eldest dd is 8yo and ds 6months. My sister has 3 dcs all older then mine, she lives near my mum I live about 4hrs away. Dd was a difficult chid, had allergies was very clingy and poor sleeper... described by my mum (to a close friend)as a difficult baby, who doesnt like me`. She has never made any attempt to form a relationship with dd, she rarely visits and when she does visit she doesnt play with dd (or interact) at all.

When she visits she is always very difficult, she never helps, sits around all day reading her book, fusses about the food I cook (not what she likes, served too late,too hot, too cold!!),trys to stop dds normal sfter school activities because she does too much` etc. When we visit her (or my sister) all I hear about is how much help she is, how great she is with the kids,how my sister couldnt manage without her blah blah...(so I know she can do it)

Things have come to a head after the birth of ds. She came to help but whenever I asked her to do something.. nothing unreasonable - make a cup of tea, peel some spuds, she came up with a reason why she couldnt and she ended up with the lo and I ended up doing the job. Final straw came when I asked her to play with dd, as she was feeling a little left out. I was upstairs feeding and after no more then 10 mins dd comes up in tears cos gran had shouted at her, I finished feeding and went to find out what had happened. This must have been a good half hour later and she had made no attempt to find dd, I was told that dd wasnt playing fairly` and she wasnt going to play with her - ffs shes 8.5 new bro etc etc, Mum couldnt see why I was cross with her. Turns out dd had wanted to colour Cinderellas dress green!!!

Anyhow now dd refers to her as grumpy gran, refuses to speak to her on the phone, talk about her etc.

DH says we are best of without her - I`ve never been close to her and wouldnt miss her from my life.
Sister refuses to get involved

I dont want my dcs to miss out on a relationship with their gran but I dont want to force dd to see her/ talk to her, and I really dont know how to approach it without sounding like a brat cos she does for my sister and not for me.

Sorry so long and boring but what do I do?

I don't really know that I understand the problem though. She comes over and doesn't do your chores? She helps your sister more than you? Remember that your sister has 3 children, and until very recently, you had one. Maybe she feels your sister needs more help?

Oh stuck how awful for you and dd. I really sympathise.

Don't really know what to suggest though? I had a bit of a toxic grandmother.

I'm off to bed but have you ever had a full discussion with your mother? Is it possible that if you tell her that DD has been hurt, and that she holds their future of their relationship in her own hands, (what with dd being a child and all) she might come to her senses (suspect not?)

Will check in again tomorrow.

I don't think you can force the relationship, tbh. Does she have another gran, or a granpa? Maybe your mum feels she hasn't really developed a relationship with your dd due to the distance- did you move away, could she maybe resent that? Are you closer (distance-wise) to your MIL? Kids are pretty intuitive about who is on their side and wavelength, and tbh it doesn't really sound like your dd and your mum are destined for a close relationship. Sorry.

I know what you mean, I sound like a brat dont I? I think the problem is that she is not easy to have as a house guest, so my motivation to invite her was always poor but I always did invite her so she could spend time with dd... but now dd is getting upset when I even mention her, the motivation is gone completely....but i dont want all of them to miss out on the relationship and we need to maintain some contact because when we visit my sister she lives nearby so we will see her then.
I guess I`m asking how I get over my problems with my Mum and help dd get over hers...
BTW have tried to speak to Mum about it but she just says that dd is difficult and spoilt.She wont accept even a little bit of responsibility

Is your DD spoilt and difficult? Or are her feelings completely unfounded?

Don't try and force a relationship though. Maybe they are not going to get on. Why force it? Just try not to make it into an issue, you can still maintain yours and your DSs relationship with your mother.

Do you expect her to help when she visits? You say she is not an easy house guest - what do you mean by that?

I don't think you sound like a brat. Tbh I think your mum sounds like she is being a bit immature- she is the adult, your dd is 8! Sadly, not all grannies are nice, or even fair. My gran was nice to me (my dad was her favourite) and nice to my male cousins, but horrid to my female cousin, it was really noticeable. In an ideal world we would all have that special relationship with our granny, but sometimes personalities just don't gel, and it doesn't happen. Try not to feel bad about it- it's not your fault. I think you are right to keep the lines of communication open (if not very busy!!) but you might need to accept that this is the way it is, and allow your dd to focus on relationships with others which do make her happy.

Jooly -dd does have other gp`s, lovely ones,but unfortunately Gma is early alzeimers so that is quite hard for dd to deal with, but dd is lovely with her, she has spontaneously said how Gma getting confused so we need to talk more slowly and say things twice. My dd is lovely - I can honestly say she is no bother to anyone.
I think maybe you are right - she has picked up on the vibes my Mum is sending out and is now old enough to understand and react to them...
I think I might just do an ostrich impression and hope time will heal...

You don't sound like a brat at all stuck.

I do understand where you are coming from MIL had all the time in the world for dd, until ds came along, now when she visits, her attention is always 90% on ds. Poor Dd feels pushed out, and has now almost given up on her nan and generally ignores her, which fuels the problem.

Luckily we only have to deal with this every few weeks, and we don't have the added sister in the background.

Although my Mother undoutably paid more attention/babysitted more for my child than my sisters. I have no idea why this is, maybe other than I offered her more opportunity/wasn't quite so pfb. My sister is obviously hurt by this but it isn't my fault.
Don't blame your sister, it's your mothers decision not hers, and I'm sure she is glad of any help that is offered.

DSM - I dont expect anything when she visits, she lives alone and does help my sis so I always tried to make her trips to me feel like a break, but she is almost obstructive to even that..in that she will make a negative comment about something rather then say nothing at all or see the up side of something. Pre ds I worked full time so sometimes it was hard not to expect her to help but I always tried not too.
When she visited post ds she said she was coming to help...

DD isnt spoilt but did have 8yrs of being an only child so initially did have some problems adjusting to ds, but nothing naughty, just wanting more cuddles and things like that.

Do you know Jooly I think you are right - just because we are family we dont have to like each other, maybe I should encourage dd not to br rude by not talking and to respect Gran and hopoe something moves on from that.
Hopefuul once ds older that will help- hes the most happy cheery fellow you could imagine

Its funny how families work isnt it? (or dont work to be more accurate!)Do you think we are all cursed to follow in our parents footprints or do think we`ll do ANY better....

I know how you feel a bit. MIL was always very helpful adn great with our kids - till dh's nephew was born... since then she talks about him incessantly, visits them loads and has even been heard to say (in my dc's hearing) that Baby R is the cutest baby ever born!

Cue my dd1 (8) asking if she was cute when she was a baby, didn't Granny think she was nice etc ....

I have tended to ignore. We dont see her that often. But it gets me when I think about it, even now.

Shared genes don't ensure a good relationship! You know each other through an accident of birth - what makes you feel you even owe her anything?

You say you want your daughters to have a relationship with her. Why? Doesn't sound like that would do them any favours!

I'm sure you must wish she was a different type of person, that she would be a doting gran, and are hanging on in there in that hope. I have to tell you, I wouldn't put money on that ever happening!

Thanks everyone for your advice.I think I knew deep down that there wasn`t a whole lot I could do. Just need to get my head around it now...

Thanks everyone for your advice.I think I knew deep down that there wasn`t a whole lot I could do. Just need to get my head around it now...