Feeling very vulnerable and needing some kindness about my relationship

[Seriphiacandytotz]

Don't know where to start apologies if not clear or to long. Sometimes I don't know which way is up. Have since a child had depression plus anxiety am late 50s now. Been with Dp 18yrs no kids together but 2 grown up each from previous r.ships.
He has always been difficult and a bit moody. I've learnt to sweep it under the carpet, pretend it's not happening etc to cope..ignore it wait till it blows over, we have split 2 times before had counselling thi gs improved but go back to way before We've just arrived on holiday with my family and had a enormous argument after plane delays stress from travelling. Overwhelmed and stressed as not speaking to each other. Very awkward. I told him he's ruining holiday not the first time as he doesn't like going away. So upset as needed this break desperately and he knew this. Daughter wants us all to go out for the day he's now moody as doesn't want to go. Exhausting. My question is do all men do this.make things difficult. So tired of it all and again crying my heart out.

He didn’t want to go on holiday, and now is moody, no shock.
Get rid of him.

Oh op your replies have made me really sad.

I’ll echo what others have said,no not all men are like this. Not all relationships are like this.

I think you might find that without him in your life, no second guessing, walking on eggshells, doubting yourself, managing his moods, that you might start to feel better mentally.

I think you should split up for good when you get home. I think your DC will thank you for it too. They see what is happening to their mom.

Your replies have made me well up thanks all for being kind. It's not easy I question myself over and over and over again . I've made so may mistakes in my life and scared by splitting im making another. Im very scared, alone and frightened in my thoughts xx

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

I would readily assume your childhood was not at all a happy one.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are also not some rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

Given what you have also written about your father it appears that you have gone from this abusive male to another in the shape of this man you are with now. These men have taught you to be depressed and otherwise walk on eggshells aka living in fear.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You absolutely deserve a life free from abuse from any man. These men are absolutely not worthy of you.

joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship so it’s no coincidence the abuse restarted. You were never safe enough to ever undergo any joint sessions with him.
Do contact Womens aid as they can and will
help you.

You need to be very brave here and make the break . It can take several attempts for a person to leave their abuser so I am not surprised you have gone back to him before now. You are in a bad place but with support you can find a way out of the hole you find yourself in.

Take a deep breath and make the most of your holiday. Go out with the family and if he doesn't want to go that's absolutely fine. Just take one day at a time. When you get back take time to think about what you want out of life. I doubt he'll get any easier as age catches up with him. You hold all the cards. You have a house and family. You can be a strong, independent woman. Find a good book if time allows and immerse yourself. Browse the shops or whatever floats your boat. Make the most of today.

I am sorry to say that this is a pattern - his pattern - and he is showing no signs of interrupting it.

If you stay on this ride, this is how it will be.

Being single will be MUCH easier and happier, and you can relearn who you are, away from his shadow.

You sound incompatible to me, and he is making you miserable. Life is too short.

Manage the holiday and then make plans to leave, that is what I would do, and journal TONS during that time, to get it all off my chest.

We have all been there, time to start making changes!

Please know your not alone.
Plenty of people on MN to listen, empathise and chat. I appreciate it s a scary time contemplatingl eaving a long term partner.
Think about what gives you joy in your life and focus on that for now to help you get through today.
One day at a time.
Give him a clear message your not standing for his moods and the way he makes you feel for now.

Nothing lonelier than an awful relationship.
XH was like this. Not in the early days, of course. Also in cycles. It got to the point where it was constant though. Our last holiday together (few months before we split) was awful. He was miserable and seemed determined to make it crap for everyone.
I honestly think towards the end that he deliberately acted out to push me to end it so he didn’t end up being the ‘bad guy’.
4 and a bit years later, I’m so much happier. The first few months were tough, I’ll be honest. Financially it was tough, DD was junior school age so it was a lot for her to process and accept. Now she can honestly say we are all happier. I would suggest ‘grey rock’ while you’re away. He doesn’t want to go out? Say okay and leave him to it. Keep your cool until you get home then ask to split.

Abusers can be “nice” sometimes but this is really the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

It's not easy to leave when you're the type of person who questions everything you do in life.

I understand that. This is where personal accountability comes in.

Recognising that you are someone who is more disposed to questioning everything you do in life isn't where you throw your hands up and go, "Oh well, that's it for me. That's just who I am!' and continue to accept less.

It's the point where you address that aspect of yourself. The point where you practice self talk and start to change things because, putting it bluntly, no one else can do it for you.

Read up on neuroplasticity. The more you do something or think something, the more you reinforce it, the stronger that aspect of yourself becomes. The stronger that belief becomes. Challenge yourself.

What advice would you give to someone else in your position? Both in terms of being in the relationship and leaving it? What do you imagine a different life to look like?

Being lonely by yourself is not nice. I know about that.
Being lonely and sharing a house with someone who is also lonely but determined to change NOTHING in his life is much much worse.
Organise the exit from this bully as soon as you practically can. You will find support, others will have seen you.

Trouble is when you have depression anxiety for years you can't always trust your own judgement. Only if u have this do you u derstand what i mean.Not making excuses here. Ppl say he can be a pain and moaning arse at times but ppl say same about myself. Others think he's lovely kind and loads of good points