Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on separation

20 replies

Millie2008 · 28/05/2026 15:42

Just looking for some practical advice around separation.

Partner and I have been together over 10 years and have 2 primary school aged DD’s. One DD has significant additional needs (she’s non-verbal autistic).

Partner and I are jointly named on the mortgage. The house has been adapted to suit our dd’s needs so I feel really stressed about the idea of living somewhere different. However, I absolutely cannot afford to buy my partner out.

I have significantly reduced my hours due to caring responsibilities (dd). My take home salary is therefore low.

I can’t decide how to proceed. Things have been difficult between us for a long time now, despite trying to work on things. I’m therefore confident that separation is now the right decision (despite feeling lots of trepidation).
The ultimate solution I think will need to be selling the current house and both buying smaller houses. There’s no other way of me staying in the family home with the children is there? Am I missing something? I’m not very financially savvy. I’m not worried at all about myself - I’d happily live anywhere at the moment to end the relationship as it’s become quite toxic. However, I’m just thinking of how difficult the transition is going to be for my older dd.

If I’m completely honest, I’m also quite stressed about the thought of staying living together until we’ve sold the house. I think getting it into a condition to sell could take a while - and don’t think partner will be rushing anything. But I can’t see an affordable way of living separately before we’ve sold the house.
Any advice very welcome.

We’ve not had the conversation about officially separating yet, but don’t think it’ll come as a shock. However, all the above practicalities are leading to me putting it off.

Help!

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 28/05/2026 17:20

You need to agree on the co-parenting split after seperation as this will drive how much he should pay you for Child maintenance. That may help decide whether you can move out or a house sale is needed

Endofyear · 28/05/2026 18:18

I think you need to get some legal advice. I did have a friend who stayed in the family home until her youngest went to secondary school and she could up her work hours but I suspect that's not the norm. A solicitor should be able to advise how having a child with significant additional needs would affect the split of assets. I think it's worth trying to find out. Would your partner want 50/50 shared custody do you think?

UpDownAllAround1 · 28/05/2026 18:35

Endofyear · 28/05/2026 18:18

I think you need to get some legal advice. I did have a friend who stayed in the family home until her youngest went to secondary school and she could up her work hours but I suspect that's not the norm. A solicitor should be able to advise how having a child with significant additional needs would affect the split of assets. I think it's worth trying to find out. Would your partner want 50/50 shared custody do you think?

A lot of this is only relevant if they were married and divorcing imo

Millie2008 · 28/05/2026 18:35

Ok thanks both. I imagine legal advice is probably quite expensive - but I’ll certainly look into it. I think he would say he wants 50/50 shared custody - but our current life set up means this would never be the case. Because I work such reduced hours this enables me to take our older dc to therapy/hospital/educational appointments. So the 3 days I’m not working I am typically doing stuff relating to caring responsibilities. If that makes sense. Plus my younger dd, although too young to legally have a say, would always choose to be with me over her dad

OP posts:
Millie2008 · 28/05/2026 18:36

UpDownAllAround1 · 28/05/2026 18:35

A lot of this is only relevant if they were married and divorcing imo

Ah, I probably should have said. We are not married. But the mortgage is in both our names

OP posts:
Sunset6 · 28/05/2026 18:49

A couple I know with 3 kids have separated and live alternate weeks in their house. The other week they go off and stay with family/friends or other accommodation they have sorted.

Millie2008 · 28/05/2026 19:02

Sunset6 · 28/05/2026 18:49

A couple I know with 3 kids have separated and live alternate weeks in their house. The other week they go off and stay with family/friends or other accommodation they have sorted.

Yea i quite like this idea. Partner wouldn’t do it though

OP posts:
Millie2008 · 29/05/2026 09:32

Any other thoughts v welcome

OP posts:
Millie2008 · 30/05/2026 20:26

Bumping for traffic

OP posts:
Bibby98 · 31/05/2026 09:59

I could have written this post. I have just came looking for the same advice! I feel like such an idiot for not protecting things better. I now feel stuck with what to do for best and how to do it. No advice to give but I do wish you well 💐

category12 · 31/05/2026 10:13

Maybe try CAB for some advice? They could probably talk you through your options and signpost you.

Are you getting any support/benefits due to your dd's needs? Have you looked into your entitlements as a solo parent?

herbetta · 31/05/2026 10:19

Millie2008 · 28/05/2026 19:02

Yea i quite like this idea. Partner wouldn’t do it though

But this might be best for your children.

herbetta · 31/05/2026 10:21

Are you claiming DLA / PIP for your daughter, and PIP for yourself?

You can separate and still be living together but can put in a UC claim for yourself.

Millie2008 · Yesterday 01:42

herbetta · 31/05/2026 10:21

Are you claiming DLA / PIP for your daughter, and PIP for yourself?

You can separate and still be living together but can put in a UC claim for yourself.

we are claiming DLA for our daughter yes. I do not claim PIP- I don’t think I’d be entitled.
thats interesting about being able to claim UC for myself if separated and living together. Is this still the case if you jointly own the house etc?

OP posts:
Millie2008 · Yesterday 01:43

herbetta · 31/05/2026 10:19

But this might be best for your children.

Yes couldn’t agree more. I think it probably would be. Which is why I’d be willing to do it. I guess I can’t force partner to though. Sadly.

OP posts:
Millie2008 · Yesterday 01:45

category12 · 31/05/2026 10:13

Maybe try CAB for some advice? They could probably talk you through your options and signpost you.

Are you getting any support/benefits due to your dd's needs? Have you looked into your entitlements as a solo parent?

oh ok thanks hadnt thoight of CAB.
yes, we claim DLA for our dd. I feel very confused about entitlements as a solo parent tbh- any advice welcome

OP posts:
Millie2008 · Yesterday 01:46

Bibby98 · 31/05/2026 09:59

I could have written this post. I have just came looking for the same advice! I feel like such an idiot for not protecting things better. I now feel stuck with what to do for best and how to do it. No advice to give but I do wish you well 💐

Aw thank you 🌺 I wish you well too. It’s so hard isn’t it. I’m holding onto the fact it’s going to be short term pain for long term peace

OP posts:
herbetta · Yesterday 08:05

Millie2008 · Yesterday 01:42

we are claiming DLA for our daughter yes. I do not claim PIP- I don’t think I’d be entitled.
thats interesting about being able to claim UC for myself if separated and living together. Is this still the case if you jointly own the house etc?

Sorry, I meant are you claiming carers allowance for yourself if you earn under the threshold?

herbetta · Yesterday 08:06

Millie2008 · Yesterday 01:42

we are claiming DLA for our daughter yes. I do not claim PIP- I don’t think I’d be entitled.
thats interesting about being able to claim UC for myself if separated and living together. Is this still the case if you jointly own the house etc?

Def speak to CAB and also check your entitlement using the turn2us website.

Millie2008 · Yesterday 23:17

herbetta · Yesterday 08:05

Sorry, I meant are you claiming carers allowance for yourself if you earn under the threshold?

I claimed it when I was out of work for 6 years caring for her. But as I now work (albeit v part time) I earn over the threshold

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread