Will the guilt pass after leaving an abusive relationship with my child's father?

[TK220440]

I’m struggling to level out my emotions. I’ve been in a relationship with DP for 6 years (although he moved out in September last year) and we have one DD (18 months)

He has always had issues with his temper, drinking and aggression. We drank together and it was often a volatile relationship of highs and lows. When I became pregnant I no longer drank, and since having DD I rarely drink and do not want a volatile environment for her. Since she has been born, his anger has escalated to spitting in my face, slapping me, threatening to take my daughter away, telling me he’ll punch my face in etc.

I put the house that we lived in together (near his family/friends) up for sale in December and now expecting to move next week. He is a narcissist without taking any accountability. I told him back in September when I asked him to leave that there is still a chance for us to be a family if he seeks anger management and there is a long term substantial change. He hasn’t gone to anger management, but felt that relationship counselling was the way forward, which I disagreed.

Now he’s crying on the phone daily, saying he’s never been so low etc as the move is now imminent and I feel incredibly guilty, as though I’ve ruined his life, even though I feel he tried so hard to ruin me.

Will this feeling of guilt pass?

Yes it will and the more you limit how much you're talking to him the quicker you will reach a place of peace. The only things you need to discuss with him are your DD and any lingering financial/legal/logistical ramifications from the house sale.

You are under no obligation whatsoever to listen to his self-pitying whining about his life. I'm sure there's a near-infinite number of things you could be doing that would be more fun, productive and/or fulfilling than listening to his guilt trips. So... don't. If he starts just say "I need to go" and put the phone down. You have that choice.

Yes, it will pass, but IME at some point you should get some sort of talking therapy to really convince yourself that you weren't to blame for his actions. Which you weren't. Aren't. Well done, and stay strong! Xx

I would.highly recommend some therapy for.you. you are doing well to understand and articulate that he is the problem, and to identify and recognise that he is not taking accountability. Thats really impressive because a lot od relationships like this, the victim struggles to really understand this. So well done.

But talking therapy will help help you to properly internalise it.

In the meantime, remind.yourself every time of what you have said here :

He was violent and aggressive but has not accepted or addressed that.

I find it can also be helpful to try to get yourself into the mindset of understanding that he IS probably genuinely unhappy. But that is not your fault, its his.

One warning- it will get worse before it gets better. Right now hes telling you how unhappy he is and teying to pull on your heart strings. The next step will be to blame you, accuse you of things, threatening you etc. This is designed to both scare you and guilt you.

He will also use your dc against you. Ounish them to punish you so be very clear on what your boundaries are and what you will do when that happens. You cannot expect him to respect your boundaries so you need to be clear in your own head about what YOUR responses will be.

It’s a classic narcissistic tactic to start playing the victim to get you back , he is hoovering you now or trying to. If you go back the abuse will start again no doubt. It’s a cycle of lovebombing, devalue and discard that just repeats. Be proud of yourself for leaving and saving yourself and your DD from this abuse as he will likely turn on your child eventually as she grows up. You can’t trust him, he’s threatened to take your daughter away. I wouldn’t be feeling guilty about leaving someone who spat in my face, slapped me and threatened to punch me. You might need some therapy to help you see you did the right thing and work on your self esteem.

It will pass because it is completely irrational. YOU are not doing anything to him. HE is to himself. He is a grown ass man who cannot take responsibility for his actions. You are not the cause of his unhappiness, he is. I would suggest you limit your contact with him. As long as you are talking to him and absorbing his angst you will be stuck. I had exactly this with my narcissistic/abusive ex. It helped to have firm boundaries in place. Get some therapy if you can afford it, and well done on making the best decision for you and your child.

Yes

Classic behaviour, from this type!! You arw not responsible for his actions. This is what they do honey. Run, Do not look back!!
If you feel yourself caving, think of your child and their future wellbeing

Stop taking his calls. He can use a parenting app
to communicate with you. He has not changed and he will continue to abuse both you and your child.He needs to leave you alone and you may well need to employ legal means to keep him away like a non Molestation order. You are likely to be trauma bonded to him and you need therapy to break that. Do contact Womens aid here as they can and will help you.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you have called him out on his abusive behaviour. Am courses as well are NO answer to domestic abuse which is what you have described. Joint counselling also is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

There is absolutely no reason why you should feel guilty for leaving your despicable violent abuser. His assault of you is a criminal offence. I strongly suggest that if you haven't already done so, you really need to report that to the police.

He is 100% to blame for you making him leave. You ruined nothing. He's entirely responsible for his abuse of you, and he refuses to accept it. He won't go to anger management. You were absolutely right in refusing to have relationship counselling with him. You should never go to counselling with the person who abuses you.

So now he is in tears, is he, and saying he's never been so low? Good. It serves him fucking well right, the unspeakable bastard.

Please don't even think about taking him back. His next step will be telling you he feels like ending it all. Total manipulation on his part. Call his bluff and phone the police if he ever says that, and they'll go round to do a welfare check.

If he was at all bothered about his child he would never have abused you as her mother. Move away and let him make the effort to contact you. Any contact between he and his child should be at a contact centre, no informal arrangement should happen .

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat my parents didn’t see eye to eye and my dad had a temper, but nothing on this scale. He would never have spat at my mom, or called her a slag etc.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. You were taught a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and you got together with a man like your father who is also volatile.

You were conditioned from an early age that the man in a relationship has a temper, and that parents don't get on with one another. So it is hardly surprising then, that you have unconsciously ended up in a relationship like that yourself.