Living separately under one roof after husband's drinking got worse

[Tandn0811]

Im a 30 something female with two beautiful boys 18 and 15.
My and my husband have been together 20 years and its never been perfect.
Im now getting to the point where I want to live my life. The children are getting older and less dependent on me for little things but the elephant in the room is the husband. Little back story...last year I left with my kids and moved into a rented property while he was at work. He has always had a problem with drinking and I had enough so I left. This sent him into a full spiral to which he decided he would sell the house I hated and we could move into something else. 14 months later we brought our beautiful house in the area that I wanted and I stupidly thought this was it our forever home but no his drinking has escalated to he says only 5 nights a week but its more like 6 or 7. And now im so angry that im stuck with a huge mortgage and nether of us has the capacity to move out until it's sold. Luckily the house is big enough that I can have my own bedroom and living space so thats what we are doing. He isnt happy about and says im being dramatic and it isnt that bad ( famous last words I know) the children are so much happier here now as its closer to school/collage and all thier friends and im trying just to forget about the drinking and live a little. But im kicking myself for ever trusting him 😔 if I had been stronger I would of been over a year out of it by now but because im in idiot I believed he wanted me more than he did. I know deep down he doesn't love me or like me really he just doesnt want to let go of the comfort I provide as he has no siblings and both his parents are passed. What a fool I am 🤦‍♀️

Sounds really hard @Tandn0811
Does he recognise he has an addiction?
Would he see a Dr?
Your situation doesn't sound sustainable. I would be looking for a way out, it may take a while to sort out

He doesnt think he has a problem so no he wont go to the Dr's.
Its not sustainable at all and the only option is to sell and as we know this can be really fast or really long.
We manage paying the bills but neither one can afford to do it alone as the mortgage alone is a third of our incomes. Its just a wating game now. Im just so angry at myself for being so stupid 🤦‍♀️ and believing that he wanted me.

The issue wasn’t that he would sell the house and move. The issue was his drinking and no where did he say he would stop.

I have seen it a few times, whether it was drink, other women or staying at work till very late when there was really no need

It’s the same problem different scenery.

I am unsure what to advise.
If dc are happy where you live then to hang on in living this separate life for the next few years till children have launched or pull the plaster off now

Could you end up losing the house if dh’s drinking started affecting his work.

Is his drinking using up all the money ? Or would you be struggling with the mortgage etc anyway ?

This part you wrote : "We manage paying the bills but neither one can afford to do it alone as the mortgage alone is a third of our incomes."

Why do you say "afford to do it alone" ?

Was it your plan to move to the house you wanted and stop working or something ?

It seems you wanted a certain sort of house in a certain area, you got that but now can't afford a different lifestyle that you wanted. So I am wondering if it is his spending on drink that is preventing that.

how will it work when you both get new partners? Will you bring new partners back to the house?

Oh he made all the promises to stop and never do this again 🥴 I still have all the messages about how he regretted talking me for granted etc messages upon messages.

What are the kids opinions on this? Are they affected by the drinking? For example is he is he abusive etc? My DH's DF was a functioning alcoholic in that he held down a senior job but he was cruel and verbally abusive at home. His DM ran around making excuses for him. It's affected him long term, and his sister has a very strained relationship with her DM as a result. You have your own living space, and, if your boys are anything like mine (the same age) they are doing their own thing, but still spend time in the home quite a lot)

No we are comfortable despite the drinking out income is 4k a month between us. I work full time and always have and this wont change unless I have to stop work on medical grounds or retire, our mortgage is just sort of 1200 a month which together is easy but its not doable for one of us to do alone with all the other bills on top council tax is 250 alone. The move was for the children as well as where we were was out of town and a hours bus ride for them. I would of happily lived in a house that was quote unquote normal but he wanted certain things ie still a detached with garage and only in certain areas so I had to compromise. Hence the larger mortgage.

At the moment and probably for a long time i don't want a new partner 😕 I want to heal first. As for him well im sure we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

Yes they are very much at home. They see it and are not blind at all. He isnt abusive physically or verbally when he is drunk he is a lot more loving infact. My oldest says im being too harsh and dad only tipsy 🤦‍♀️ and doesnt shout at me. It will affect them and I know this and it breaks me every single day 💔 the guilt eats me up

My DH drinks a bottle of wine every day, and occasionally a can too. Don’t waste your life staying, split now. It will be uncomfortable for a while, but the sooner it’s done the sooner you are past it.
I did the whole ‘wait until the kids have done their GCSE’s/A levels/degrees’ and before you know it your life has gone.

You need to focus. Stop with all the I'm so stupid/ what a fool I am/ I'm kicking myself etc etc. It's unhelpful and irrelevant. Stop with all the Whose fault is it that we moved to a more expensive house etc etc and start making some decisions about your future. Either you change your situation or you accept it.

Are you willing to accept the trade off of a horrible life and relationship in a nicer house? .... Is the house even on the market? You need to take some action.

Is your eldest planning on going to university? Are you going to live in the same house when / if they both leave? If they both go to uni it will potentially only be 3 years away. Can you stick it out with just you and him living separately in the same house?

Yes it is on the market. I have taken as much action as I can for now. Im not sure what im supposed to do in the mean time. I cant afford rent as well as the mortgage. I was happy to be in a terraced house in the town I wanted not expensive would of happily paid less than 100k and be where I wanted to be. there was only certain areas he would go for and houses he would accept so when we found the area I was happy with with a house that we both liked we went for it. If we had divorced and spilt the equity of the last house believe me I wouldnt be paying anywhere near as much as I am now in a mortgage.

He is going abroad to backpack shortly, so he isnt really an issue and my youngest is about to go into y11 in September and then wants an apprenticeship.

Its hard isnt it. You do what you think is the best thing at the time and hindsight is a wonderfull thing. I will do better in the future and be happy it might take a while but ill get there thank you

I would be able to pay the bills but would have very little left for food or other things. So it would have to be sold thats the only thing there is to do. Im praying for a quick sale but as we all know these things take as long as they take.

I would also look into starting divorce proceedings if you have not already done so. Your kids as well as you need to be well away from this current toxic environment.

Alcoholism is also calked the family disease for good reason because you are all affected by the alcoholic in your midst. Your dc could contact Alateen re their dad’s drinking and you could also attend Al-anon meetings. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are apart.